What’s the point.

[BrightEyes-1234]

Mkay.  I’m 42.  I’ve spent most of my life going through the motions.  My therapist has said I likely have c-ptsd from childhood trauma.  I’m having marriage issues that I’m trying to fix.  Sometimes I feel like what’s the point.  I’m midlife.  I’ve already spent most of my life going through the motions.   What’s another 20 or so years.  But a part of me wants to feel alive.  And live.  But another part thinks why bother.  And I am constantly torn between the two.  And wanting to ‘fix’ myself so I can be truly happy?   If that makes sense.  Has anyone else, older, ‘healed’ and found ‘joy’?  Is it ever too late?

[Sophie_M]

Hi BrightEyes,

Thank you for sharing so honestly. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of pain and uncertainty for a long time, and that it’s left you feeling tired and unsure about how to move forward. It takes courage to express that so openly, especially when you’ve been through trauma and are still doing your best to make things work in your marriage and life.

You mentioned that part of you still wants to feel alive and find happiness, and that part of you is so important. Healing from complex trauma can be slow and messy, but it is absolutely possible, people do find meaning and even joy again, sometimes in small steps and unexpected moments. You deserve that too.

If things start to feel especially heavy, you can talk to someone anytime. Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (13 11 14) both have counsellors available 24/7 who can listen and help you find some calm and perspective. It might also help to keep talking with your therapist about these feelings of being “stuck”  sometimes just saying them out loud helps you start to see a way forward.

You’re not alone in feeling like this, and your words will resonate with many here. It’s never too late to rediscover moments of peace and purpose.

Take gentle care,
Sophie M

[Eagle Ray]

Hey BrightEyes - 1234,

I just wanted to say that I am 50 and have c-ptsd too, and I wanted to let you know that things can get better, and it is certainly never too late. One of my favourite quotes is by Peter Levine, which is:

It is never too late to have a happy childhood.

I started to suspect I had c-ptsd when I was 41 and it was the psychologist that I started seeing at 47 who diagnosed it. I have even discovered now that I have a dissociative disorder as well (DID). I have found somatic approaches to past trauma to be helpful and I've done a few modalities, with Somatic Experiencing being one that has been particularly helpful for me. But different things suit different people, so it's often the case of exploring and researching to find out what connects with you. But probably the most critical thing of all in any trauma processing is having a good, trusting relationship with the therapist or practitioner you work with. It's at that interface of co-regulation, with someone who is validating and understanding you, where a lot of the healing takes place or gets initiated, because sometimes that's the first place those of us with c-ptsd start to feel safe enough to open up and begin to heal past trauma.

Anyway, even though it has been a very rocky journey, I'm definitely on a healing path and I am getting bits of joy coming through. One thing I have learned is that there is a joyful, untouched spirit in us, even after the most horrendous circumstances we may have grown up with, and then the spirit can come back through, even if it has been repressed and marginalised by all that we have been through.

I completely hear you when you write about both wanting to live and having another part that doesn't know if you can keep on going. I've definitely been through that pretty intensely, but I can feel more of the life energy coming through now, and that I'm wanting to be here more rather than less. As Sophie says below, it's never too late to find moments of peace and purpose, and as that part of us grows we expand the good feelings which increasingly outweigh the difficult and painful ones. It's not a straight line, and sometimes we go backwards for a bit, but healing is totally possible and it is definitely never too late.

Take good care and we are happy to chat and support you here,

Eagle Ray