I just feel like i have no chance..
A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.
Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.
As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.
If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..
I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...
Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.
Sorry that it's taken so long for a reply. That must have made you feel even worse.
Deep breaths and head up, and keep on trying my friend. Crap advice but the best I have I suppose.
Every single person trying to support another has this experience at some point. It makes you feel absolutely awful. Physically ill even.
I find the worst part is how it can shatter your self esteem. For people like us who experience depression and anxiety this criticism can feel devestating and so deeply personal. It sounds like you're right there too?
How can we reassure and lift you?
Do you remember a long time ago I upset you with my post? It sounds like you've had the same experience and I'm sorry you're hurting. It's a horrible feeling.
At that time someone told me to remember I was trying to help and my heart was in the right place. To just keep on doing what I always do and try again, and again.
I hope you can find a way through this without it eroding your confidence. You wanted to help and meant well, that's what matters most of all.
If you feel up to posting I hope you can let us know how you're holding up.
It's good to hear from you. Long time no speak hey?
Yeah I'm not too sure. There was some "action" taken and I no longer have my role I once did. I can't/won't go in to it all that much. But at that time I was not happy. I guess I just swept it under the rug. I guess I came back here to see who was about - it's good to see you.
It's a been testing time for me this year. On the job front I am currently stuck in a role I don't really like and find tedious and dull. It's crushing me a bit tbh. I've been struggling A LOT with depressive episodes and anxiousness. I feel sorry for myself, angry and bitter towards myself a lot of the time too. It's hard. Very hard.
I recently got told at work that I should apply for a new position that was advertised because two of my managers said I fit the criteria. Well I didn't even make it to the interview stage. Failed at the first hurdle in other words. I was very annoyed by that. I thought "well I will never apply for a job here again". I actually felt the most stupid I have ever felt in my whole life - that is really saying something
I nearly went back to hospital last week as I had some SI issues (suicidal ideation) at the time at work. I was really tired and fed up as well. My health has been average I guess - Don't really go regurlay to the gym anymore as I don't care about it. I see marginal benefit coming out of it and nothing more - it's not a priority perhaps?
A priority at the moment is to both find a job that doesn't crush me with boredom and angst and also move out. I feel like a complete loser still being stuck at home. Indeed, I think people must think this about me too...
The dating game has been a joke this year - back in March i had a facebook video chat date type thing which was nice because the girl I spoke to - felt like we got along. she had to move up the coast though and we spoke a bit since then.. but the other day she just ignores me completely. IT was a long time coming I think. There was another in the same boat but without any facebook video chat. I get matches and stuff... but it never eventuates.. maybe i give off a vibe I don't actually have.. who knows.. It's stupid really.
Then today I get to work and I am sick of it by 9:30 - I tell myself that I have managed 90mins so far..
I am hoping they grant my leave request for 1 week early. I am really over the place and the whole year and all of this crap tbh
We're so sorry to hear about what you have been going through lately, it sounds like a truly difficult experience. Please know that you do not have to endure these difficult moments alone. If you feel like it could be helpful, there are a number of support services that can offer comfort, kindness and compassion during intense and distressing times like the one you've described, such as Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
These services may also be able to help you stay safe, especially during times when you might experience thoughts of suicide. It sounds like you have been proactive in managing these thoughts already, so we just thought that we would link you some services for extra support.
If you ever did want to talk these feelings or experiences through with someone, we hope that you feel welcome to talk with the kind and understanding counsellors at our Support Service, who are always here for you on 1300 22 4636, or also through Webchat (1pm-midnight AEST) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Please keep reaching out here whenever you feel up to it.
It sounds like there's a lot that's happened this year and a lot of it has been really tough for you, across your work life to dating and your general physical and mental health. I certainly don't want to make you feel like I'm sweeping this year's challenges under the rug at all, so I really want to say that we're here if you wanted to talk about any of those things in particular. Still, I can't help but also notice that it's been a while since we spoke and I am glad to hear from you again. If nothing else, it sounds like you've been trying your best to keep putting one foot forward at a time and that's all anyone can really expect, especially given the year you've had.
I hope you get your leave request - an early break sounds like it is very welcome!
Merry christmas and happy new year
Tonight i hit a rock again and i feel really depressed and over it
Maybe i will start writing out stuff here more often. I have been on other help sites which have helped. Maybe a fresh approach here could help too i dunno.
i feel like a loser and i am tired of it.
I bought some model today which i plan on making. It is of Slave 1 from Star Wars. It is made of metal and i may decide to paint it afterwards if i think it needs it. I am thinking of geting a ugears model car too. But i need to finish off the mosaic my sister got me or else i wont finish it
i am reading the social leap by william von hippel in the hope that it reaps some psychological rewards.
I have also started to play planet coaster on pc as i like simulator games
i am looking at going back to study and maybe in business as i believe i could pick up some skills to help me in the workplace
My cureent workplace is a challenge and this was made clear in my previous post
i am sad more often than not but i have been able to suppress it more. This holiday season since the 22nd of sdecember has been alright. I just wanted our christmas break to go a bit longer when we were away but i guess just going away was better than nothing.
I have struggled with friendships this year.
Dating life is non existant and i am embarrassed or ashamed of my work
I feel like a loser
Good night for now
A few developments:
I have resolved that having ANY job that is stable and secure and pays reasonably well for the work I do BEFORE the age of 30 is a GOOD thing. This means I have time and piece of mind to focus in on other things. This was made clear to me recently when a friend said that to me.
I spoke to a friend in New Jersey yesterday and we more or less agreed that the 20s are all about figuring out what you want to do. There is some pressure at some level, but perhaps that is leveled out by time that we have.
I have saved a few think tanks and companies that are running internships online this year and I have the time to undertake them. I will start looking into how I can apply and what I can say in the applications.
I write with one online publication and they have a huge swathe of "unpublished" articles because their editting team have not done anything. Maybe I will send an email to see what is happenin and maybe offer my help (?)
The phrase "is it what is it" is quite reassuring.
I thought I would check in here to see how you are going.
I am really sorry to hear that you have been feeling like a loser and that you had hit rock bottom. I really feel you when you say how friendships have been difficult this year. I have found it really hard to stay connected with others. I have tried, often, to connect with others but a lot of them would take ages to respond. It would end up deflating me and make me not want to try.
I like the idea of doing more study to build up more skills in the workplace. I don't think you can ever have enough skills and having an edge in an overly competitive market can boost self esteem and confidence.
I used to build models as well. Well, they were lego models but I do have a lego star destroyer that took me a couple of days to finish. I would like to get another model but they are incredibly expensive.
About the job, I get that too. I hate my job as well as it makes me feel unproductive and like a robot. I don't want to sound too cheesy or anything but what keeps me going is knowing that this won't be forever. As long as I know that I am still moving forward eventually I will find a job that is more suited to my personality and interests.
Being in your 20s is a challenging experience and I don't think anyone has anything figured out. If they think they have then they must be lying haha.
I hope the internships works out for you my dude. It is great to see how proactive you are being on this stuff.
I like the quote from Dory in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming. Just keep swimming".
Sometimes, when we feel down and out, we just have to find something that just keeps us moving forward in the right direction. I do feel that is what you are doing right now.
Whenever I feel lost I just say to myself to keep swimming.
Talk soon man, just know that I am here and listening
I hope you have been feeling a bit better recently than before. I'm glad you were able to talk to a friend which helped put some peace back into your mind. For me, I try not to think too hard about milestones and "by x age". Some people go their whole lives without finding a job, while others get a checkout job in their teens and stay forever. The same could be said of so many other milestones and 'achievements' that none of it really makes any objective sense to me. I can understand having them as motivating forces, but they don't really motivate me so I don't really try to set those kinds of goals for myself.
How is model building going? I bought myself a paint by numbers thing which I hoped to have finished by the end of my 3 week holiday, but I got nowhere near!