I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Well.

I first posted here long long ago. 

Tomorrow I move in to a house share

I have a job in my industry after completing my degree 

I have a relationship

I have a loving family to support me 

Amazing how time and experience changes us.

I barely recognise who I once was 

Eyes really are useless when the mind is blind.

But my mind has changed as has my soul. 

As Nietzche says:

But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself; you lie in wait for yourself in caverns and forests. 

On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow.

So here to staying in the mountains of truth 

And self surpassing 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Ham Solo,

I have only read the start of your thread so don't know the whole of your story, but I wanted to say how beautiful and encouraging your words are. It is wonderful to see you have found your way through the darkness and have a life now that seemed unreachable in the past. It is evidence that the mind, heart and soul can heal.

I love the words from Nietzsche. They are very helpful to me in my own life right now.

All the very best and so happy for you,

ER

[mmMekitty]

Goodness me, HanSolo you have come such a long way, grown as a person so much as well.  I am pleased & proud of your achievements.

There really is a stark difference from your early posts to the recent posts I've read, especially this latest post of yours.

(& I never even saw the thread 'New start and new approach to this year' - which, admittedly, you posted some months before I joined BB. You really have come a long way from where you were. You realy did seem lost & alone, but look at you now!

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[HamSolo01]

cheers @Eagle Ray

It really should be enough - I think it is but sometimes it doesn't feel it - or vice versa

we are strange creatures aren't we 

[HamSolo01]

thank you mmMekitty 

You're a legend and never forget it 

[HamSolo01]

good afternoon all

Howdy all. Been a bit of a while since I last dropped by. Think I was going through the disgusting experience that is tonsillitis the last time I paid a visit. Well I'm well and truly past that fortunately. 

Have been quite busy with work which has been good. Booked travel in December to Turkey with my partner so it'll be nice to visit her family. 

Headed off to church tonight for the first time in say 10 years.... See what guidance and counsel is offered there. Never hurts to try and seek out that sort of advice I think 

I am currently trying to navigate the possibility of doing a masters course at uni again. I'm headed back to my old uni. I really liked the quality of the course. So i applied to a masters program and got into it with government support. Whetehr I can manourve my classes around remains to be seen. But it is worth a shot I think. Maybe it'll be really easy to do, maybe it'll be too hard, maybe it'll be right in the middle. Who knows? Only one way to find out methinks. 

On tops of that I am also learning how to be a better partner, not because i am a bad one, but because i want to be. Beacuse I want to strive to improve in this area, again not because there is anything wrong with my current approach, but just because i am so uniquely human and can only learn how to do things. My partner and I are happy with where it is  at, but there are always challenges. I guess this is what it is to be in love - to want to navigate the storms of life together and see the other person successful. 

I think I have moved past what I call the "Careerist" narrative - by this i mean the belief that the best thing I can do for myself is have a career. I think this is one type of success. I think it's healthy to want to do better, and healthy to have a good job you enjoy. But I think it is unhealthy to obsess over it like it was the most important thing you could contribute to the world. A far better thing to strive for is self improvement. But at times I need to accept that this takes time to implement and it really isn't up to anyone else in my life to tell me what that is - It is solely up to me . 

see you around 

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

Long time no see. I thought I would jump on here and offer my congratulations to you. I am really happy to hear where you are in your life currently. Sounds like you have come a long way since we first started talking (and since you first came on this platform). I genuinely hope this is only the beginning for you and a new exciting journey is on the cards. It will have its challenges but I have no doubt you will be able to overcome them with all the resources you have developed for yourself over the years.

On a personal note, it gives me hope too knowing that it is possible even when it seems completely out of reach at the moment.

Take care my friend and I hope to hear from you at some point in the future.

Aaron

[HamSolo01]

Hey Azzdog

It has been some time hasn't it ?

I recently remembered these posts. Much has happened since then but perhaps it would be beneficial to hear from others first. 

I'll leave this message here and come back every so often to see if you're back. 

A few updates my end:

- Got engaged and visited Capadocia to propose to my partner. Her family are great. 

- moved to a new location in the end of 2023 and then moved upstairs last week. Much more room. We don't keep our relationship a secret anymore too as we are engaged now so we can share our life with partners family who are quite traditional  but still love us heaps. 

- I reconnected with an old friend whom I unfairly ghosted back in 2016. What I did was uncalled for. I apologised. We caught up last month and it was good to share memories. My friend now has a son too. 

- I'm still in my job from 2022 and I had to put up with a lot of bs from toxic managers. But j held my own and many of those toxic colleagues have left. Maturity is the most important thing in that case. Hard though it may be, it is key. 

- lost my grandfather of 94 years in the middle of 2024. I dreamed about him a couple of times since. He was a profoundly important man for all of us. During the last days of his life I wanted to find a photograph of hin teaching my golf swing in the backyard of our old house. During the search I found a few other photos which were even better including me sitting on his knee. Our last moment together was great because I got to shake his hand and say goodbye. We didn't know it was goodbye and maybe that's easier? I gave him a piece of vanilla slice like we'd used to do whenever I visited. Whether he ate it or not doesn't bother me. Because as my partner said, in the last days of his life seeing that slice would remind him of how things were still unchanged. A constant. We mis him dearly. My dad (his son), aunt and nan (wife) are all in Wales atm and my nan will sprinkle some of his ashes on his grand father's grave in Swansea. A fitting touch. 

- I've been looking for a new job since 2024 started but to no avail. Rather than get angry at myself I've learned that it's just how the market works in my industry but also how capitalism works (so my gripe is really with capitalism). But in the end I have an easy job now which originally wasn't easy at all. I don't mind it. I'm a bit bored but I consider that lucky as many aren't in roles like that. The toxic manager left, and like I always say had I met him in another context then maybe we could been mates. Life aye? Either way, that era is over. There was an administration shake up too which means our new line of command at work is now run by a good person and good analyst. It was a blessing. As my partners great uncle says - the right people will win in the end. 

Right now, it's about 30 degrees. The sun is out. Trains are going past. Cars are stopping at red lights. My oat flat white is good. I dropped my partner at work and will get a haircut when he opens soon. I'm waiting for Christmas leave and new years leave to be approved so I can look forward to a mini trip away again. 

I'm reminded of my youth and my 20s. Making that decision to leave my old course and study elsewhere near here.... at the time I didn't know fully what I was doing.... but I guess I did know hey? 

See y'all