I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Well.

I first posted here long long ago. 

Tomorrow I move in to a house share

I have a job in my industry after completing my degree 

I have a relationship

I have a loving family to support me 

Amazing how time and experience changes us.

I barely recognise who I once was 

Eyes really are useless when the mind is blind.

But my mind has changed as has my soul. 

As Nietzche says:

But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself; you lie in wait for yourself in caverns and forests. 

On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow.

So here to staying in the mountains of truth 

And self surpassing 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Ham Solo,

I have only read the start of your thread so don't know the whole of your story, but I wanted to say how beautiful and encouraging your words are. It is wonderful to see you have found your way through the darkness and have a life now that seemed unreachable in the past. It is evidence that the mind, heart and soul can heal.

I love the words from Nietzsche. They are very helpful to me in my own life right now.

All the very best and so happy for you,

ER

[mmMekitty]

Goodness me, HanSolo you have come such a long way, grown as a person so much as well.  I am pleased & proud of your achievements.

There really is a stark difference from your early posts to the recent posts I've read, especially this latest post of yours.

(& I never even saw the thread 'New start and new approach to this year' - which, admittedly, you posted some months before I joined BB. You really have come a long way from where you were. You realy did seem lost & alone, but look at you now!

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[HamSolo01]

cheers @Eagle Ray

It really should be enough - I think it is but sometimes it doesn't feel it - or vice versa

we are strange creatures aren't we 

[HamSolo01]

thank you mmMekitty 

You're a legend and never forget it 

[HamSolo01]

good afternoon all

Howdy all. Been a bit of a while since I last dropped by. Think I was going through the disgusting experience that is tonsillitis the last time I paid a visit. Well I'm well and truly past that fortunately. 

Have been quite busy with work which has been good. Booked travel in December to Turkey with my partner so it'll be nice to visit her family. 

Headed off to church tonight for the first time in say 10 years.... See what guidance and counsel is offered there. Never hurts to try and seek out that sort of advice I think 

I am currently trying to navigate the possibility of doing a masters course at uni again. I'm headed back to my old uni. I really liked the quality of the course. So i applied to a masters program and got into it with government support. Whetehr I can manourve my classes around remains to be seen. But it is worth a shot I think. Maybe it'll be really easy to do, maybe it'll be too hard, maybe it'll be right in the middle. Who knows? Only one way to find out methinks. 

On tops of that I am also learning how to be a better partner, not because i am a bad one, but because i want to be. Beacuse I want to strive to improve in this area, again not because there is anything wrong with my current approach, but just because i am so uniquely human and can only learn how to do things. My partner and I are happy with where it is  at, but there are always challenges. I guess this is what it is to be in love - to want to navigate the storms of life together and see the other person successful. 

I think I have moved past what I call the "Careerist" narrative - by this i mean the belief that the best thing I can do for myself is have a career. I think this is one type of success. I think it's healthy to want to do better, and healthy to have a good job you enjoy. But I think it is unhealthy to obsess over it like it was the most important thing you could contribute to the world. A far better thing to strive for is self improvement. But at times I need to accept that this takes time to implement and it really isn't up to anyone else in my life to tell me what that is - It is solely up to me . 

see you around 

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

Long time no see. I thought I would jump on here and offer my congratulations to you. I am really happy to hear where you are in your life currently. Sounds like you have come a long way since we first started talking (and since you first came on this platform). I genuinely hope this is only the beginning for you and a new exciting journey is on the cards. It will have its challenges but I have no doubt you will be able to overcome them with all the resources you have developed for yourself over the years.

On a personal note, it gives me hope too knowing that it is possible even when it seems completely out of reach at the moment.

Take care my friend and I hope to hear from you at some point in the future.

Aaron