I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

hey quercus

thanks again

you are helping 🙂

i came to uni early today as i had to

i ended up trying to do some work but wrote all that instead

it was 100% genuine

i got annoyed again and went and sat in the quad at uni. Its the really old part. I started writing more of that book/story im making. It was a way of processing the sadness. It was escapism.

What im writing is fiction but its based on real events both good and bad. Im trying to explore my own depression and anxiety in the context of university and transitioning into early adulthood.

Each friday ill be getting to uni early just because its easier. Im going to sit in the same place and write this story. I hope to have a draft done by the end of semester.

A core part of it is a young romance. I put myself in it but every character is fictitious based on real peoples' character traits. I feel like doing this will ground me better. It'll serve as a reminder of all the experiences i have over the past five years at uni. I realise uni has changed me for the good. Its allowed me to grow and change.

Today they are setting up for open day. On sunday. That same open day is the one i came to back year 12 during 2011. I remembered going to info lectures about what uni was like and what you did.

Capturing all this experience in a story will be awesome. I also believe itll be really therapuetic. Itll challenge the notion that ive 'wasted' 5 years of my life. On the contrary they have been filled with all sorts of memories and experiences. I think ill throw tragedy in there as well, just to make it real. Its a creative outlet.

Ive had a big week.

I need to rest.

Going home now to do nothing.

[HamSolo01]

I also booked in to see the psychologist and psychiatrist next week

had an appointment up and coming with the psychiatrist anyway

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Good to come back online and see you are calmer, more focused.

Creative writing sounds like an excellent outlet. Hmm combines well with political studies too. Have you ever thought of doing study in that field? I love the idea of writing as a way to remind you of your experiences.

This week in therapy I was raging at the Psychiatrist about how I'm so angry to have wasted my time doing a degree I have zero interest in and will never use because I was too weak to stand up to my family and say no. His reply... was is it really a waste? There are so many skills to learn at uni and experiences that have nothing to do with the actual course. No matter what you have had worthwhile experiences. He has a point.

Anyway less waffling from me. Keep taking care of yourself HamSolo01 😊

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

It does sound like from your last post that your Friday was a lot better for you and you made a little of a progress back to being happy which is great. The book sounds fascinating... the best stories I think come from one's own experiences, it can give it a very realistic approach. May I ask, are you writing it just for your own self or do you plan on one day maybe getting it published and releasing it? People find solace in stories like one you are trying to tell.

I know you have had a big week and I was glad to read you have booked in the psychologist and the psychiatrist as well, make sure you let them know everything that has been happening and don't hold back.

Have you got much plans on for the rest of the week?

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hey

today i feel crap

upset and annoyed

sick of faking it til i make it...

im not happy..

no wonder im single..

why do i have to be such a wet blanket..

no wonder no one likes me

im sick of being told im great because it clearly counts for nothing

i give up

[james1]

Hello Hamsolo,

Sorry about the delay in my response. It wasn't letting me post for some reason.

How are you today? It sounds like yesterday went pretty badly. Have you had much time to process stuff?

James

[HamSolo01]

hey james

ive had a bit of time yeh

today i took it easy and then did some tutoring this arvo followed by my pschiatrist appt

was gonna go to the gym but decided against it because i was too angsty and depressed.. saved my energy for tutoring

im still upset but im coping a bit better

in waiting room for psych now

im just so sick of this

[james1]

hello mitch,

That's okay if you want to save energy for tutoring. It can be exhausting having to battle your mental demons constantly.

Let us know how your psych session goes. Sounds like it could be a useful one to have.

James

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry about the delay inbetween my posts, like james1 it wouldn't let me reply last night.

It's good you were coping a bit better today and took some time off gym to just unwind and focus on the tutoring. How did all the appointments go with your psych's? Hopefully they were able to shed some light on how you have been feeling the past few days.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

How did you go with the psych? Im glad you gave it another go even if you aren't feeling like its helping.

I couldn't reply either but for some reason the BB cafe thread worked so I left you a shout out there. I hope that didn't embarrass you doing that though.

Hope to hear your appointment has helped.