I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

it was okay yeh
today will be a bad day
ive just got on the train and forgotten to bring my stuff for uni i had to hand in... and my tablet to take notes...
but i remember my stupid hair product...
everything is on an equal footing because im useless and pathetic...
im sick of tricking myself into thinking otherwise..
im sick of me...
i hate being so tall and i hate having social anxiety...
im on a knifes edge because i feel like im about start crying at how hopeless my situation is and no one gives 2 shits...
everyone thinks im fine and im not..

[HamSolo01]

hate this

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Please breathe. Time for some creative writing. Anything to keep your mind busy and yourself safe.

Today I sat on the phone with my friend who is in shock sitting in hospital waiting to hear if the hospital will keep her husband safe. He tried to commit suicide for the third time. She is a mess. I am a mess having heard about her fear and panic and devestation and her normally bright voice dulled with pain and guilt. This is what depression and suicide does. The pain just moves to someone else.

I spent the afternoon thinking about what would happen if I gave up. And the thought was horrible. The same applies for you.... Your friends and family those that you love would rather hear you ask for help endlessly than be like my friend with her shaky voice on the phone. So please ask for help.

Ask your sister to come for a walk with you. Ask your Dad to go for a drive. Ask your Mum to teach you to cook something you have no idea how to cook. Ask your friend to come sit outside and have a beer with you. Ask! Talk. Please.

I'm sorry. I read your post and it upset me to think you are going through this and not wanting to bother anyone to help you. Please ask. And ask. And ask. As a mum and a wife and a friend and a daughter and a sister I know how frightened I am of ever being in my friend's shoes now I have heard what true pain sounds like.

[Pysis]

Hey mate

I'm sorry your having bad day but I'm sure your not useless and pathetic even though you might feel like it right now. I can get hating being tall I'm 6 foot 2 and I'm suposed to grow to 6,6 or 6,8 not looking forward to that. But yeah understand that today has been rough but we all make mistakes believe me I make plenty. I know what it's like to have to put on the act of being fine but inside your just dying and falling apart it's not easy far from it.

i know I'm new so I don't really know your story but if you need to talk at all I'm here.

nath

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry you had a bad day, we care about you on these forums, I know it doesn't mean a whole lot as it isn't real life interaction but you continually have support on these forums from genuine people who care about you and your well being.

We all have days where we forget stuff, it's just human nature, it doesn't happen every day, just a one off. Your situation isn't hopeless either, you just are in the middle of a battle and you just need to keep fighting to come through it.

Have you got much plans for the rest of the week and weekend?

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

I replied earlier and it's still in moderation probably righty so. If my post upsets you even more I apologise. I'm a bit of a mess today too. Please take care of yourself.

[HamSolo01]

@quercus No your post did not upset me, the post had the opposite effect actually. It helped me.

@pysis Welcome to my thread, it's great to have a new friend on here. You are most welcome to contribute. I have found the forums are a great way to vent things and seek advice. So welcome to you!

@Jay My plans are basically survival for the rest of the week. Might try to go to the gym on saturday morning again because I need to get back into a routine. This time I might not have to help a lady who fell over again lol

I went to my psych last night and it was a bit of a pitstop for me to check in to..

I think I just have to take a bit of a break from things for now.. stop trying to manage EVERYTHING.

Just do whatever needs doing.

Today I made a phone call for a job opportunity that my dad created because he knows people. It's with an MP so if i got that it'd be a cool experience. I was nervous af but i pressed on before I stopped myself from stopping myself.

Thought about applying for more jobs today but i think ill save the energy for my uni work. Get a chunk of that done first.

I went over a lot of strategy with ny psych which helped.

i made the point that i have to be the one to implement all the strategies and things that i have learned... doesnt matter how many appointments i make because this is still the case..

i am still a little depressed at the moment and ive only just gotten up but i just accept that and get on with whats gotta be done...
it' exhausting
i was able to narrow down all the areas that give me grief in life which i did the other day..
whats happening next year is a big part of it
money is too
and so is my social life..
this is why i want a grad offer badly but i have to act as if i wont be... im really anxious about it
but i need to try and focus on the negative thinking and defuse it from emotion.. by challenging it..
none of this is new to me but i just need to do nore of it
its really hard atm because im just about convinced my life is pointless.. then i end up in suicidal ideation.. defusion will help with that i think..
gotta take it easy both physically and emotionally
also spoke about how meaning in life doesnt mean you are happy all the time.. an important distinction..

[james1]

Hello mitch,

I noticed you said that meaning in life doesn't mean you are happy all the time. That's a great point.

I think I mentioned that to someone else on the forums as well.

Even 'normal' people go through ups and downs. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human or we wouldn't be living.

The thing that makes depression so hard is it makes your life about depression. You can't get up because of depression. You get sick because of depression. You can't make friends because of depression.

But notice how even your friends will have days where they can't get up? Days where they get sick? And some struggle to make friends too.

Depression is a real struggle because it changes your way of thinking about things. It makes normal, coloured ups and downs of life all grey. It flattens it all.

So when you talked about feeling convinced that your life is pointless and needing to challenge that, you're doing all you need to bring colour back. Challenge the bleakness.

Not getting a job offer is not depression; that is the normal course of life. Telling yourself that therefore you'll never get a job offer, however, is depression.

Keep it up. You're doing well.

James

[Pysis]

Hey mate

thanks for the welcome it means a lot thank you.

im sure your life has meaning just the fact that your doing uni as hard it might be is some meaning in your life.

thats great that you rang up about the job opportunity. I think it's a good thing to that you are pacing your self and only doing what you can.

good on you mate.

nath

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm relived that the post didn't upset you. And I'm glad to hear you planned with the Psych and have taken control and are taking care of yourself.

Good luck with the job and James is spot on if you don't get it that's just bad luck not depression. I've had so many knock backs lately but meh at least I am trying. Same goes for you. You're trying and that is a great thing.

Take care of yourself and just breathe and take things slowly. There is no hurry.