I just feel like i have no chance..
A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.
Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.
As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.
If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..
I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...
Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.
You've been very quiet thought I'd come by and check how you're doing. So uni is back? How are you finding it? Have you been pushing yourself to talk to people in your classes?
How did you go with finding more tutoring work? That sounds like a good plan.
I hope you're quiet because you are busy and feeling well. Thinking of you.
nice to hear from you
I think I've been okay lately. Uni is back yes. Started last week in fact. The two classes I'm doing are great. I knew they would be as I have had the tutor/coordinator before. This means I only have 2 tutorials. They always make you introduce yourself in class so it's somewhat awkward for everyone involved. The good thing is I know someone already in my tutorial from last semester - but wasn't near them on the day. Nevermind though because I made smalltalk with those around me. I find that applying my cynical yet approachable sense of humour really does help.
Last week I ended up catching up with 3 people all in one day. That was different. But it was good. Had a graduate info evening and managed to speak to the graduates there with no trouble. My social anxiety is deep seated so I can fake it til i make it but still question everything I said and dwell on it - sometimes even while I'm talking to the person... I'm trying hard to work on that.
I have a second interview on thursday for tutoring. Over skype. Pretty nervous actually because I'm not used to people watching me tutor. But then that's life I guess. I can do it. I just need to act as if the person watching me is not there.
I also went to a political part meeting on friday night. Was a good change to meet likeminded people. I sort of wish I did it sooner because it is my last semester but I don't think it mattered tbh. I feel like that is a potential avenue I could take - not being in the spotlight but certainly being behind the scenes. I do like debates about politics, so long as they don't become personal - which they often do these days. But that's the glory of free speech I suppose.
Today I filled out an application for a job at uni. I've also got tutoring this afternoon followed by Spanish. Really don't want to go to Spanish because I feel stupid there. Don't know anything and it's hard to learn when I get tired at night. But I'm not being tested on it so that's okay.
Off to gym now.
Hope you are well! Thanks for dropping by too. Was meaning to post on here soon anyway.
That is really lovely to hear actually (that you're busy and active and getting out there doing things for yourself). I'm happy for you. Good for you going to political meetings and talking to people 😊. It doesn't matter if you are awkward and faking it... At least you can finish off your time at uni saying you tried to push yourself and try new things.
My first few years at uni were very isolated and controlled and my last few I tried to push myself. Maybe not enough in other's eyes but enough for me to be able to say yes I did have fun at uni. I think given what happened it was a good thing for me to not allow him to have taken that experience from me. It doesn't matter how long you have left there. Just keep trying.
I made good friends. Attended an exam after doing shots (and passed it haha). Made a fool of myself. Tried flirting. Dyed my hair and did the experimental fashion thing. Considered kissing a woman and decided it wasn't something I wanted. Went dancing. Considered going home with a bloke and decided casual wasn't something I wanted. Joined a club (also not my thing). Volunteered at a sporting event for a sport I knew nothing about. The list goes on. They weren't major things but for me uni was supposed to be a chance to get to know myself a little and I did do that eventually. I hope you have this opportunity too.
Sorry I hadn't messaged you to see how you were going, I am glad Quercus reached out to you and you responded. I was very happy to read how well things seem to be going for you, that really is showing that everything is starting to work for you, I know there are little things still playing on you like the social anxiety but you seem to be in a much better spot than you were and you have so much going on which is great. Being busy is a great way to keep the negative thoughts of mental health issues away.
I like the politics avenue you said, I enjoy discussing politics as well, can get heated of course as it can get personal but if it doesn't and its a mutual discussion then it can be very beneficial and good on the mind too.
hey quercus and jay
this morning i feel pretty average
im filled with regret and self pity over my mental health.. i keep thinking and feeling that its held me back for this long and will continue to do so..
It doesn't help when i see people around me hooking up all the time and people being happy. The psychologist i spoke to at the hospital way back when i ended up there was helpful as much as she was unhelpful. It sucks because i can agree with her - my anxiety has held me back.
I also saw some photos of me recently when i did that fun run and i really did not like the way I looked. I felt like I looked like a freak. A tall freak. I hate feeling like this. It just undermines my already small amount of confidence. Constantly being picked out for it in life does my head in. I basically learned to ignore it. But I always feel like people think I'm a freak.
I've pretty much resolved i will be single for my life now. People will start thinking all sorts of horrible things about me (they probs do anyway) and i just hate myself for letting me pushed around for this long. It really feels like I've wasted all this time. No right minded girl would want to be with me anyway. All this potential for love and intimacy is gone. I had my chance when I was younger and now it's all over. I know a defeatest attitude like that can breed problems but can you really blame me? I'm 23 for goodness sake. I haven't got any money and I probably never will. I'm just gonna be sad my whole life.
I am trying. I really am. But I just keep finding myself back where i was - the middle of the storm again. I mean I thought I was getting better and it turns out that I'm just going in circles. It's making me dizzy.
Is there seriously any point to this stuff?
Sorry to read your day has been average, I can 100% relate that sometimes it just feels like we go around in circles, my mental health issues seem to have come full 360 degrees at me recently, especially when I thought I had got through most of them they have snuck back on me and each day is hard so trust me I understand where you are coming from.... I and we just need to keep reminding ourselves that we deserve better in our life and we can only make that happen ourselves. The psychologists and GP's will give us the tools to help but we need to use them on our own to make it happen.
Remember, you have come around like this when you have a bad day and the next or so day you generally will look at the bigger picture again and remember you are getting better. We want our mental health recoveries to be a straight line from point A to point B but in reality that straight line looks more like a figure 8.
You are still only 23 and so young, I know to you, it doesn't feel young but in scheme of things, it is very young and you have so much ahead of you. Remember, every day is chance to get better even if it doesn't feel like it.
I owe you an apology. I was so busy being happy that you were taking control and trying new things I didn't consider that my last post would have been difficult for you until I saw today's post.
Jay is right this low will pass. You know this too. In a few days you'll be back taking those strong steps forward. But I'm sorry if I played any part in triggering the return of the self doubt.
Doubting your ability to attract someone is a pretty normal feeling I believe. Fearing being alone forever or everyone leaving you is another. I'm very familiar with these even though I'm happily married. The way I deal with these thoughts is to ask for feedback if the thoughts are upsetting me. I'm my worst critic. So I ask. Are you happy in our marriage? What isn't so good? What's great? Hearing from people I love and trust helps me fight these feelings.
So...You have girl friends... Ask them for an honest opinion. What's good? What needs work? Or if you can work through the anxiety... have you ever asked a girl out on a date? You mention you don't feel you have anything to offer but have you even put the offer out there?
It will pass HamSolo01 you know this. Just let the shit feelings wash over you and focus instead on these three things...
1. This is the depression and anxiety magnifying every little self doubt you have. It is not fact.
2. You are worthwhile and have skills and features which are desirable to a workplace, to friends and to a partner. See #1 again.
3. You have your whole life ahead of you. There will be ups and downs even without a MI. There's no hurry. Would you judge a friend if they hadn't had an intimate relationship by 23? So why are you being so hard on yourself? See #1 again!
Please take care of yourself.
thanks for the help
today started off okay but then i got annoyed at my mum and sister. They just expect me to chaffeur them around everywhere.. i dont have to be reminded i have no life.. i do that enough..
as for relationships? i really dont care.. like i would love if it happened but its not going to. Its a good idea quercus but i wont believe any of it. I'll just criticise it and take it to heart. The problem is that i dont expose myself to enough of the world and i cant do it because of my anxiety and anger. I just get angry with myself because i should've done all this sooner.
I know 23 is still young but it feels like you still gotta grow up a bit. I feel like i havent. I just picture myself as this sad lonesome, skinny freak who cries too much and wants nothing other than the world to accept him.. god its awful.. im just there cowering in the corner.
Im sick of being told to be positiv and all this rubbish. It gets nowhere.
Im really annoyed this morning. Im not going back on meds because they just ruin everything. None of it helps.
Now im really upset on my way to uni and im not gonna be taking things in... god sakes
Reading your post one thing really stands out. Anger. Have you thought about this?
I struggle with anger. Sometimes rage. Resentment often. Through therapy I now understand that it is mostly self directed and coming from frustration for my lack of action and control and feelings of helplessness.
But it doesn't show like that. I lash out at people. I throw out things I wouldn't usually say to get a reaction (to offend and hurt). Sometimes I'll lash out with things I know aren't true or that I don't even agree with just to upset people. Because it's easier than accepting that I'm doing this to myself. That by changing nothing I end up in the same position where I'm so angry that it's either bury it and end up hurting myself or lash out wildly to get it out of my system for a while. Neither work. I sabotage myself by pushing people away and then stew in a pity party of one.
The hard thing is I kind of notice similar in your threads. Either everything is great or it's awful. I'm like this too. I don't want to upset you but I wonder if you're aware you're sabotaging yourself?
When you are upset and angry like this part of me wants to back off completely. Not because you're not worthwhile but because I find the level of anger intimidating and unpredictable. I'm aware I'm a complete hypocrite seeing as I'm the same. But it makes me realise what I do to my husband. Repel him purposefully. Will you think about this? You say friends leave you. Women aren't attracted. Do you think you might be unconsiously pushing people away? Sabotaging?
I apologise in advance. This is probably not the right thing to say.
No need to apologise.
I see where you are coming from.
You are right about anger. I hate it. I hate myself and everything around me because I'm always reminded of how I keep screwing things up for myself. I keep remembering the dumb things I have said or done. I keep remembering all the stupid bad things I do to myself. I keep hating EVERYTHING about me. I really do not like myself.
I have moments where I can accept it. I have done this lately and it seems to be working a bit.
I feel like I've just a hit wall. Almost everything I do to improve myself is hit with the "should've done this sooner because things could be SO MUCH BETTER now" attitude. It's the worst. I just have to drop it. Tbh I think I'm in the process of doing it.
I don't think I do anything unattractive - I'm just awkward to be around maybe. I hate that. I can understand how people work yet I can't seem to be able to do it myself. I get thrown too easy. It's awkward. I just feel like crying because it's not getting easier.
I'm beginning to see how you find the level of anger and frustration intimidating. I might raise it with my psych next time I see him. Mum said it was 'unfair' what i did this morning - but i mean I still stand by it. No one seems to be caring enough. I'm really over having to clamour for people's attention. People have left me in droves... I'm losing friends quicker than I gain them and even then I feel like they really just don't like me.
I've kind of gotten to a point now where I simply do not care enough about anything. I'm just going to do whatever I have to do. I'm sick of people telling me that I have to 'have fun' and 'enjoy myself'. Why should I? In all honesty I'm done with that crap. At this rate I'm going to get nowhere in life.
The rational side of me know this is all crap but then the emotional side of me knows that it's bloody difficult in life just generally so why bother...
Feels like I just progressively shoot myself in the foot all the damn time... I'm sick of fake it til you make it because I've been doing that for years and its gets nowhere..