I just feel like i have no chance..
A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.
Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.
As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.
If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..
I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...
Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.
life goes on and it's not over yet
All I can do at this point in my life is gain some experience (Whatever it might be) before i graduate. I believe that this will slowly form a new sense of direction in my life. therefore self worth
the relationships thing can be solved rather easily - i just need to be happy with my life. Central to that is finding stable work somewhere. It may mean having to settle for odd jobs here and there but so what.. The point is that I can't expect to share unhappiness with someone else. It's funny because this morning i woke up feeling VERY panicy and upset and it dawned on me that i didn't have a gf i could share this stuff with. BUT then i caught myself out and thought about it and wondered what sort of things i would say to my gf if she ever had a similar feeling. I was able to realise from that, that I did indeed know what to say. Re-affirmation basically. In the end I felt better for it - i gave myself a pep talk. I simply asked myself what i would say to my gf if she expressed the same anxieties... and it got me thinking on a positive level of self improvement. It was proof that I can indeed do it. It doesn't need to come from anywhere else. It just has to be real.
I have group support tonight too so that'll be cool. first time I'm going so idk what to expect but they said it has been successful for people in the past so i guess that is promising.
i went to the movies yesterday and one of my friends was stuffing about and missed out but i didnt really think too much of it. Can't be bothered. His own stupidity lol. Just saw it with one friend. Saw Dunkirk - you should see it. Was incredibly realistic. Really uplifting too to think that it did happen in the past. True story of grit. Something I needed to see.
I've accepted my mental health but i just need to endure it.
Off to the gym now - got a new podcast my psych told me about that focuses on ACT. Really interesting stuff. I guess I have a mind like that so it helps to understand the background to the stuff the psychs get me to do to combat negative moods and negative thought patterns. I'm not only able to stop them but I'm able to originate them and deal with at a root level. A lot of it comes from early childhood and then also my negative experience with religion. That's not a scapegoat. But it's an explanation.
I'll post some more this arvo
Wow, what a turn around from the last day... I knew you would come out of the bad day... once you start thinking and almost take a step back from your emotions, you are very powerful in the way of thinking through things and realising what you are worried about, can and will be fixed with time.
I really agree with you about the girlfriend thing... the old saying goes you can't love someone unless you love yourself first... or is that a song? either way I think it is true... you have to be totally happy with yourself so you can give 100% of yourself to someone else. I really like what your psych said as well about the need to be doing things or have done things at only age 23, I think that is a good thing to put into perspective that you are still very young and so much life ahead of you and so much more things to experience. You are most definitely on the right track for recovery.
How did the group therapy sessions go? would be keen to hear your feedback on it.
Thanks for sharing that.
You said something about your psychiatrist pointing out that you felt like you needed to do things, and you feel like your self worth is tied to what you do.
Being a similar age and having identity issues, I think I get that. I always tell myself I'm "wasting time" or being "unproductive". There's a real fear of getting older and looking back having not achieved anything.
But like you say, it says nothing about your self worth. We can keep chasing achievements and accomplishments, but they will never satisfy us if we don't just try to be us.
My happiest moments were not when I got a HD or gave a good speech or got my job or even got into a relationship. My happiest moments are where I've literally just sat down and seen the world - the stars, Uluru, a ferry across Sydney Harbour. There was no achievement - I did nothing - but that was what made those moments great. It was me experiencing life.
Have you ever had any similar moments where you just forgot about the need to achieve, and did something just because? How did that turn out for you?
Just wondering how you are? What was your group session like? How have you been feeling?
Sorry I seem to have overreacted a bit in my last posts. Hindsight is great huh I found your posts worrying but the joys of misinterpretation hey.
Hope between these forums, the SANE ones, group therapy and your ACT podcasts you've been feeling a bit better.
Take care of yourself ok.
hey quercus its nice to hear from you (did you change your pic?) So did i lol. Still kept the star wars theme though
Bit of an update for you:
- I didn't take that ESL job because it was too closely related to a religious group. I found out that religion triggers a lot of my depression and anxiety. Even just being near it and listening to it. I found this out the hard way because the group therapy i went to was actually a religious thing - not overtly, but it did incorporate religion into the therapy model. I had to excuse myself from the group (there were only 3) and I was annoyed/upset that i had travelled to the city for it. I got really depressed afterwards as well. I lashed out. Came home though and it turned out okay. Parents understood
- I went to another one I had found out about the next day (Thursday night) which was 1000 times better. Had a good amount of people too. Was able to share my experience too. Really insightful and helpful.
- Uni goes back this week. Last ever. This time I mean that. I guess I am in a bit of a better headspace than I was at the start of the year too. So that might work.
- Spanish is going okay. I'm really really tempted to give up. I feel like I'm just slipping behind. Even just committing to 10mins a day is hard - even though I have nothing planned.
- Still haven't done that airport volunteering thing yet. Really upset at myself actually. Tbh I think it's because it's volunteering. If I was paid for it I would do it. I need money more than anything else and work experience.
- Tutoring is finishing soon because my students will be done with HSC. I applied to a new place and got an email back this morning and expecting one back soon. Also need to apply for a phone job with uni. I have a good phone manner according to my mum.
The next few weeks will be trying... getting back into uni but it's part time so that's good. I've grown too attached to the place to finish up straight away so doing part time will be a great way to finish i think.
I still need to finish that book/story I'm planning. I can really only do it at uni because of the mood i get when I'm there. I'm sentimental about things normally so I guess it's just a way of processing what happens.
Anyway. Thanks for dropping by 🙂
Hope you are okay
I just wanted to say well done on the group therapy sessions, you were in one you didn't like due to your personal reasons which is fine and instead of giving up on them completely you went to a different one the next day and it turned out great for you. I must say you have a lot of courage and strength to do group sessions, I doubt I could do that, speak in front of people about how I am feeling but that is a great thing you are able to do and it shows how far along in your recovery you have actually came. Good stuff mate and I do hope you can keep them up. May I ask, what it is that you found so good about them?
I think going back to Uni will be good for you as well, a good distraction and something to keep you focused on, it will be a little trying just adjusting to it all but you can do it. Hopefully you are able to apply for the phone job at the Uni as well.
I can't recall you saying you were writing a story, I apologise if I missed it when you wrote it, may I ask what it is about?
I have a confession to make... I had no idea those pics were Star Wars related (shame shame!) 😊. I remember as a kid my Mum and her friend always called Chewbacca "Julie" (long story) so that's what I always thought his name was. Yeah you can imagine the looks I used to get until some kind soul decided to correct me 😊.
The group therapy sounds great (the second one not the religious one). Did you feel comfortable there? That must have taken guts to speak up. Good for you.
Volunteering vs work. Yeah sometimes I feel guilty for not volunteering. Think it would truly make me feel good but my reality is we need the income too. Maybe you could do once a month just to try something different? Good luck with the phone job though.
It does feel good to take action and follow them through... That's where I'm at right now too. Wrote out my goals, plan of attack and what I need to achieve day by day. I think that's what I needed. I have ideas but I struggle with following them through. The small achievable steps are good so I don't get anxious and give up. What do you think? Do you do this too?
Sounds like you have your plate so full though. Did you think about what James wrote about meaningful goals and achievements? I keep wondering who are you trying to impress? You are very hard on yourself I'm not sure if you see that? Its ok to be 23 and be where you are at in life. Noone is perfect and that is absolutely ok.
I'm 32 and I'm right back at the start again job wise. With less respect than at your age because "I should have my life sorted by now".
It's taken me a very long time to work out the only person whose opinion matters about where I'm at in life is me. Not my husband, family, friends, society in general... Just me. Yes I value some people's opinions. But this is my life and only I choose what matters to me and what doesn't.
What are your thoughts on this?
thought i would drop by just for abit of an update
uni tomorrow (off to bed after i punch this out) and then a phone interview in the arvo for tutoring again.. i think i am beginning to feel like tutoring will be a good idea to pursue.. in the coming months. Just good money and it's easy work.
The meaningful goals and achievements that you speak of james are good - they don't even need to be goals. Just moments in time even. I've found that they can help. One example is looking to the west when the sun set each day.. there is always a really nice sunset over the hills (live in a hilly area) and it's cool. Early morning is also good too. If I can manage to get up that is.Now that uni is back again I think I might be getting up earlier out of habit, in which case I should try to meet up with my dad at the coffee shop before the day starts.Walking down the main street near uni is also good at night time (brings back all these memories of times I've had on that street so i get nostalgic.. it's really free i find)
It's true though. The only person whose opinion matters about me is me. Simple.
Had a seminar online today for a networking group helping people with disabilities. Might get in with it. Have to wait til September
Anyways. Hope you are well.
I agree with you, I think the tutoring is something you should be doing, you do seem to enjoy it and helping people is always a good thing too. Good luck with the phone interview as well.
That networking group sounds interesting, what exactly does it entail you to be doing? Not a bad thing that it doesn't start until September, allows you to get the tutoring going and then hopefully can start the group networking.
Thanks for the update. Good luck with the tutoring - it definitely is good money.
I love your moments. Sunsets are amazing. I went to Bath, UK and there's a hill where the YHA is and you can walk up this grassy section rather than the road. From there, there's a lovely vantage point over Bath with its orange stone buildings. So beautiful when the sun sets over the city. And yeah, I love that nostalgic feeling when walking down streets 🙂 I'm now living back in the suburb I grew up in and it's awesome.
Sounds like you're really trying to put yourself out there a bit and find what you're interested in. That's great 🙂