I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

James is so right! Good on you for reaching out when you need support. It's easy to just curl up within yourself and brood and so bloody hard to admit you feel low.

Is there anything you want to talk about? We're here. We are listening and yes we do care.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Like james1 and Quercus said... we are here and care about your well being. We hope you can let us know how you are feeling.

A small post is better than no post so that is great.

Hopefully tutoring went well.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hey all

there are a couple of things plaguing my mind atm

1) the funrun i did last weekend. It annoyed me because hardly anyone donated. I know it's not about how much you make etc. But I was hoping some of my 'closer' friends would've donated something. It's really beginning to make me feel upset that I seem to be losing friends. I hate the fact I was involved with a friend's work crowd to the extent that I was. There was absolutely no convincing connection. I didn't have the ability to do it then and as a result I have very few friends left. It frustrates me because I feel like I wasted my time on people that don't care. Either that I made no proper effort. Today I've organised to go to the movies and 2 people aren't even going to go. I still hate the fact it takes so much guts for me to organise things like this. I get people are busy and have commitments but then at the same time it hurts when you see them on social media. Busy my ass.

2) I have kind of just accepted that I will be alone forever. I'm 23 and struggle with the core basics of friends. I can relate to people but it just feels fake and hollow. It honestly feels like I will just be alone for my entire life now. Most people at this age have their friendship circles sorted. It gives them a sense of value and confidence and from there can make new friends. I'm just here struggling to even do things on a basic level with people I've known for ages.

3) filling up my time has done nothing. I've been trying to fill my days with things but it's a useless thing to do when nothing seems to be changing in terms of my moods.

4) I feel entrapped by my moods. Like deep down I want to be free and socialise with new people but I just freeze at the thought of doing anything. I feel more free to post things on the internet and all this but not in real life. Like people are going to judge me.

Today I am going to this damn movie even if I'm on my own. I don't care anymore tbh. I'm sick of feeling like this. I do all this stuff to fix my life and no one seems to give two sh*ts about it. People are in relationships around me. I'm sick of being told I'm a great guy and all that. That I'm worthwhile. Clearly I'm not. If I was then people wouldn't be leaving me so fast.

I want to leave this country and go to the USA and study postgrad. But I don't like my chances. If I don't get into that then I might as well give up on life. I can't be bothered with suicide. I have to live for others or else they will cry.

[HamSolo01]

to hell with it

i don't care about this anymore

I'm going nowhere in life and I have had all these dreams and aspirations and all i get is told off or shut down...

I don't even know why I'm doing anything in my life atm...

[james1]

Hey mitch,

How are you feeling right now?

It sounds like you've been really frustrated and feeling hopeless in the last day at least, if not longer.

I hope you don't mind if I just focus on one thing you said: "I feel entrapped by my moods."

This sounds so familiar to me, and probably a few others here too. When our emotions take control, it can feel very claustrophobic. Like that's all there is in the world.

The frustrating thing, when looking back in hindsight, is that we can also see how it becomes a cycle that we perpetuate.

I hope you don't mind me asking this because I don't mean it as a way of telling you off or shutting you down, but just because I want to understand better:

Do you find making the links between many instances of friends leaving or being alone, and then writing them here, helps you or not?

I ask because it used to be something that would often lead me down a worse path than if I'd tried to distract myself. I knew the links were there and that I needed to get better at certain things (still do), but if I started pulling more and more examples, it would just really get me down. Kind of like how someone without a limb doesn't need constant reminding that they're missing it. They just know.

I hope you don't mind me asking and if you don't know the answer, that's okay too. I just think it would help us as well to know how you want us to respond when you are trying to sort these things out for yourself, as there is clearly a lot of history that we don't know about, but which you have lived through.

James

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to read that you are having a tough day... the dwelling on stuff just causes more issues for yourself in reality but I understand cause I do it as well. I want you to understand I know where you are coming from, at your age I struggled with friends and even a girlfriend, I didn't have a friendship circle or really anything, can tell you I have sat home alone on New Years Eve before too, that was damn right upsetting so believe me when I say, I have been there and know the feelings you are feeling. It isn't easy and there isn't any magical piece of advice I have that I wish I could give you that would make it better right now but it does get better and the more you keep trying and meeting new people, you never know who you will click with... I also understand that you freeze when thinking about doing it but you have come such a long way during the course of this post that I think with time you will be able to do it. I encourage you to go back and read some previous posts from a week or so age, you have made so much good progress, don't let this bring you back.

You will get through this bad day, as that is all it is... a bad day... a little speed bump on your long winding road to recovery.

How did the movie go? What did you end up seeing?

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Are you safe? I am worried.

Please call your psychiatrist and get an appointment. Do you still have a contact for the mental health team that helped you after your last hospital trip? Or call the lines and talk. Or go to one of your parents and talk to them. Please.

This is a bad day. It will pass. You know this. Just talk it through wherever and however you can. Here also of course but when you get like this I feel like it is safer for you to have someone in your offline world who can physically keep you safe for now.

Now to your points

1. It's not your job to save the world. However much you raised is fantastic. And more than I've ever raised for a charity! I am all dreams and too scared to take action. You took action! Do you see how bloody awesome that is?

2. You are not alone. You have family. You have friends. You have people who love and care for you. The depression blinds you to this. Why are you setting yourself such high expectations? I don't have a circle of friends I have a few close friends who I love. What's wrong with that? I found your age very difficult because people expect you to have the crowd of friends and be busy and have an adventurous life. But it was not my thing. It took me a long time to accept I'd rather be bushwalking with a friend than out with a group of acquaintances. Just be yourself HamSolo01.... Noone wants you to be anything else... Just you.

More coming....

[Quercus]

3. Filling up your days. I get this. How about you sit down imagine if you were old and grey and at the end of your life what would you have achieved to feel at peace within yourself? What would make YOU feel that you have lived a worthwhile and happy life? Maybe the things that you're filling your time with are the wrong sort of things for you. For example I could fill my day earning money and putting my kids in daycare but that is not right for me. My value is in my kids not in money.

So think about it... What kind of things would you feel good about spending your time doing?

4. Mood. Yeah this sucks. I'm with you here. What has your psychiatrist suggested for your mood swings? Is he planning on reviewing the new one you're on?

Also... I found for a while I forgot that even without a MI everyone has mood swings and crap days. That yes there is a reason I am on meds but also somedays I just need to kick myself in the butt and say right what's going on in my head right now is shit and I'm going to work it out. I do this by talking to people I trust, writing myself lists or vents on my thread, getting outdoors and working physically, sleeping, listening to music and running... You need to work out some techniques that help you and when these moods hit work through your techniques. Yes it will still suck but I find it helps not to just be stuck in my head with all the self loathing festering.

Right now the Mum part of me wants to talk... (sorry it has to be done). This HamSolo01 worries me a lot...

I can't be bothered with suicide. I have to live for others or else they will cry.

Yes. Your family and friends would cry. Because they love you and would rather you be alive. And I bet your Mum and Dad feel so bloody helpless at not being able to help you and terrified of failing you.

I would cry. I'm sure James and Jay would cry too. Because we've been where you are at and it is so bloody horrible to go through. And we get it.

Don't feel guilty for writing that though. I get it. I do. It comes from feeling in pain. And that nothing is helping. And hopelessness. But it is the depression talking! So do whatever you have to do to be safe and go back to the psychiatrist and start again. Make a plan for the next time this happens. What will you do? Write it out in steps. Your saftey plan because these moods keep happening and you keep getting sent away from the hospital so you need a better plan in place.

Please be safe HamSolo01.

[HamSolo01]

hey all

thanks again for your help

the hopelessness and frustration can be rather strong at times yeh

i've also started on the SANE forums too. That's helped a bit.

I think yesterday I was both stressed out and tired. This inevitably hits my mood.

I was also nervous about tomorrow's new temp job with teaching esl to korean kids. I got home really late last night because I had a mad rush from the psychiatrist's office to spanish class which i was late for. Felt like i was on autopilot the entire day actually

Seeing the psychiatrist was coincidental yesterday - had it booked for a month in advance. My meds are going fine. It's just inevitable that I will experience these types of days.

I mentioned to him that filling up my life with stuff has helped and he pointed out that I still seem to think that I need to be doing things at the age of 23. It's like I'm trying to prove that idea wrong or something. It's definitely useful for it but then I still need to lose it. I'm starting to. What I'm also trying to do is remember all the experiences that I've had in the past several years that have helped (whether they be classes i took, people i met) just whatever comes to mind. Considering I seem to pin my self worth to a lot of THINGS instead of just having self worth., I've begun to noticed that I no longer need to do ANY of that.

Yesterday on the way home on the train at night I felt overwhelmingly pathetic. But I realised that's just how it is. It's okay to be like that. What's not okay is letting it get me down to a point where I can't do anything. Again I keep telling myself that I am not my past and that I am on the right track - even if it feels vacuous. Eventually it kind of sinks in. So for this esl thing tomorrow, I have my instructions sent through and i just need to whip up a basic plan. It's an easy 900 bucks and it's experience. That's all I need at this point. Says nothing about my self worth. I plan on going in earlier to visit my favourite coffee shop around the corner in the city. I have memories of that place - both good and bad. But I guess that's what makes it feel normal? Idk..

And also venting on here help me process my emotions. So it might seem like I'm in a dark spot but I need to express it and vent it so that I can process it and figure it out. I've begun to see that's what I need to do.I need to just vent it out and THEN process it. So having input from yous is helpful for that too.

continues:

[james1]

Thanks Mitch for clarifying. Happy to provide input. I'll wait on your next posts 🙂

James