I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[startingnew]

Hi Emmy

i havent seen you online for a few days so wanted to check in to see how your going?

[Emmy.]

Hi Amanda. Thanks for saying you were impressed 🙂 little successes all add up right. Like tonight I went to the cinema with my husband and saw “Avengers: Infinity War”. I only had one panic attack in the cinema. Cinemas have been a trigger for me lately. All the noise and being confined. But I managed and have worked out to take ear plugs. I think it cuts the sound down by about 70%. It’s great!!!

Love your idea to set up a veggie patch and herb garden to use for the pizzas! I’m so going to do that.

I’ll come over to your page to say hi and check how you’re doing. Hugs. Xx

[Emmy.]

Hi SN. Thanks for your messages and saying that it’s ok to feel proud of myself.

An interesting thought by my psychiatrist hey to focus on the negatives. So often we are told to look at the positives hey. Perhaps it’s in a way to make me scare myself into action. And maybe it’s working.

Been off the forum for a couple of days trying to deal with a person in my world who’s causing too much negativity for me. I’ve had to cut all ties with them. Sad but had to be done. Especially when they’re actions starting causing you stress. Which I don’t need.

How are you getting on hun with your hand? I’ll go onto your thread to see how you are. Thanks for checking in on me. Xx

[Emmy.]

Thanks Chloe & Grandy for your encouragment. It’s means so much to me. ❤️

[Emmy.]

Hi Smallwolf. So my psychiatrist is wanting me to set some goals, to have something to focus on and a bit of purpose. Smart goals means S - Specific M - measurable A - attainable R - repeatable T - timely manner. (And they have to be positive too). I’m see my psychologist tomorrow so will talk about it with her.

My psychiatrist doesn’t think it necessary I see my psychologist anymore. How do you think I should go about telling her (psychologist) this. I’ve seen her for like 5 years now. Gosh that’s bad hey. 5 years and still struggling. Hope it’s the right thing too. What’s everyone’s thoughts on this?

[Ggrand]

Hello Emmy,

I hope you are doing okay...I'm sorry I haven't been in for a few days.. sometimes I feel inadequate in writing the right thing..

Emmy, it's up to you, it's how you feel, but would you feel safe knowing that you cannot talk to your Psych when you need her... it's something I feel you need to think about..I cant get hold of my psych and I feel unsure of me..

Sweetheart it doesn't matter how long it takes, there is no time frame on getting better, Just take it a day at a time..

I hope tomorrow is a good day for you..🕊.

Warm and super caring hugs,🤗🤗🤗.

Go on The hugs are for everyone,,🤗🤗.

Grandy..

[Emmy.]

Thanks Grandy for saying it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Just feel like a bit of a failure. 5 years is a long time hey. I feel like I want to keep seeing her but why would my psychiatrist say that? I work on all the practical stuff with psychologist. Whereas the psychiatrist is more in depth stuff does that make sense. He speaks to me black and white. Argh I’m confusing myself lol.

[Emmy.]

Just got in trouble from my husband for being on the forum 😞 he reminded me that my psychiatrist told me a while ago not to come on here. May have to take a break again. He seems annoyed with my selfharm, being on here. He said he wants to come into my next session with psychiatrist:( feeling sad. Bye everyone for a while. Needed the support but will have to find it elsewhere. Be more open with family & friends. 😞 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emmy and others reading, as part of being on the forums, we always encourage members to reflect on the conversations they're having.  Ideally these conversations will be solution-focused, and contributing to making positive changes in your offline life to improve your wellbeing.

Our research tells us that many health practitioners recommend the forums to their patients as part of a network of supports they might try using.  If your health practitioner is telling you not to use the forums, it's worth reflecting on that conversation and why that advice has been given.

Are you using the forums as a way of avoiding dealing with issues or communicating in your offline life, rather than using them to enhance your ability to move forward and build connections offline?  

This is a decision best made by taking the time to reflect on what you want to get out of being here on the forums, and whether those goals are being met.  Like any activity that is heavily engaged in, your forum use may impact on others too so it's worth considering this question from a number of perspectives.

[Emmy.]

Sorry if I’ve done the wrong thing Sophie