I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)
I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.
So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).
2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!
Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).
Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.
Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.
It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.
I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.
Please try to not focus on the “list” of things you perceive are “wrong” with you. EVERYBODY has a list of things like that, mental illness or not. Us humans are complex creatures. When you come back here, please write a list of good things about yourself. I'd love to read it 🙂 I know you love real estate and have talked about that. I may even start a thread about that shortly, to give you somewhere to post. I will certainly need advice down the line. It's clearly an interest...what else is there??
Maybe your doctor not mentioning it is a simple oversight. You are more than the diagnosis, remember...
Thanks Narelle for your message. That’s true about not being your diagnosis, and this letter was from my psychologist. And I know he and my psychiatrist communicate together and my psychiatrist doesn’t like “labelling” - he’s told me once or twice what I have but then has never referred to it again. He tells me I am what I am. I should remember that.
I hate who I am so I’d find it hard to list good things about myself. But my doctor said to be yesterday that I have a very gentle and soft nature - so perhaps that’s something even if I don’t see it.
How are you doing Narelle? So I don’t come on here very often anymore.
Such an amazing poem. It could have been written about me. I have had AvPD all my adult life (I'm now 60) although I only got around to seeing a psychologist last year. I guess it was due to the 'Real Men Don't Cry' syndrome that it took me so long to get a diagnosis.
Thanks so much for sharing.