FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

Emmy_
Community Member

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

193 Replies 193

Guest8901
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dear Emmy. Dont apologise .. please. You have done nothing wrong by coming back here to the Forums. You obviously felt you needed a safe outlet, which this is. However if your psychiatrist has previously told you that this could be detrimental to your recovery, then please take their advice. He would know best what is right for you, under your unique circumstances.

I'm sorry your hubby seems annoyed with you. But he plainly loves you to bits, and only wants whats best for you. Forgive him, for what may appear unfair to you, but is meant in your best interests. He is concerned for you Ems, so try to understand that. How would you feel if your positions were reversed - would it upset you if you caught him doing something against his psych's advice?

I would be selfish in saying 'please dont go'. So for your sake, I hope you are able to find adequate personal support off line. Just as an aside, perhaps now would not be a good time to drop your psychologist by the wayside either. Especially since you have been relying on her now for something like 5 years. Just a thought.

Take that break Ems, dont hesitate to contact your off line support, please take care. Know that the forums will still be here later if the time is right for you then, in the meantime .. I will miss you. (:

Amanda

Chloe_M
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Emmy

Good to see you again 🙂

Loving having you on the forums but remember that you need time to yourself too. Don't feel pressured to be on here all the time.

xx Chloe

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Emmy,

Not sure if you will read this..

Please always remember you are so very important, and special, and you have a beautiful soul..Regardless of what ever happens. Please remember how important, loved ,and cared for you are...

Wishing you all the best wishes I can muster up for you sweetheart, remember your not alone..🐿🌹🌷☘️..

Warm squishy hugs,

Grandy..

Hi Emmy

No need to apologise. i think both Mandy and Grandy have given some really good points here. i second them. please take care of yourself and reach out for those offline supports. i hope you can come back soon

oxoxoxoxo

Chloe_M
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Emmy

Just checking in, haven't seen you in a while and am hoping you're okay.

If you see this please do not feel pressured to post because i've come looking... just hoping you're okay xx

❤️ chloe x

Emmy_
Community Member
I feel so lost in this world. And I can’t turn to my friends or family as I don’t want to burden them. Life is falling apart and I want out. I really hate life.

Welcome back Emmy 🙂 I've missed you!

I wish you were in a better head space. I know how you feel though, I've been there and I'm sure many other members have too.

Have you tried writing a list of what you're thankful for and re-reading it when you feel how you are? You have hubby and a puppy who love you.

I have Buddy, so you already have one more than me. Not that it's a competition or anything, I just want you to smile 🙂

startingnew
Community Member

Hi Emmy

its great to see you back again though im sorry your struggling

did you want to tell us abit more about whats happening for you?

Thanks SN & Narelle for your messages. Just feel like the weight of the world is too much. I continue to have all the health issues I’m dealing with an it gets me down. It’s like that’s all I do with my life appointment after appointment. Saw my psychiatrist the other day and he nearly admitted me to hospital because of the thoughts I’ve been having. I don’t think I was truly honest with him because if I was I know he’d have admitted me and I just don’t want that. What would my friends and family think. I know no one on here would judge. It feels like I’m sitting her watching life pass me by. Hope you’re both well. I’ll try and get to your threads to check on you both. I know I shouldn’t be on the forum but I feel sometimes like I’ve no where to turn.

Emmy_
Community Member

These lyrics...

Cause I, I will wait for nothing
And you, you can’t be where I am