I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)
I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.
So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).
2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!
Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).
Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.
Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.
It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.
I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.
Dear Emmy. Dont apologise .. please. You have done nothing wrong by coming back here to the Forums. You obviously felt you needed a safe outlet, which this is. However if your psychiatrist has previously told you that this could be detrimental to your recovery, then please take their advice. He would know best what is right for you, under your unique circumstances.
I'm sorry your hubby seems annoyed with you. But he plainly loves you to bits, and only wants whats best for you. Forgive him, for what may appear unfair to you, but is meant in your best interests. He is concerned for you Ems, so try to understand that. How would you feel if your positions were reversed - would it upset you if you caught him doing something against his psych's advice?
I would be selfish in saying 'please dont go'. So for your sake, I hope you are able to find adequate personal support off line. Just as an aside, perhaps now would not be a good time to drop your psychologist by the wayside either. Especially since you have been relying on her now for something like 5 years. Just a thought.
Take that break Ems, dont hesitate to contact your off line support, please take care. Know that the forums will still be here later if the time is right for you then, in the meantime .. I will miss you. (:
Not sure if you will read this..
Please always remember you are so very important, and special, and you have a beautiful soul..Regardless of what ever happens. Please remember how important, loved ,and cared for you are...
Wishing you all the best wishes I can muster up for you sweetheart, remember your not alone..🐿🌹🌷☘️..
Warm squishy hugs,
Welcome back Emmy 🙂 I've missed you!
I wish you were in a better head space. I know how you feel though, I've been there and I'm sure many other members have too.
Have you tried writing a list of what you're thankful for and re-reading it when you feel how you are? You have hubby and a puppy who love you.
I have Buddy, so you already have one more than me. Not that it's a competition or anything, I just want you to smile 🙂