I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[White_Rose]

Hello Emmy

There is never a need to apologise for not posting. We all post when we have the energy and have something to say, otherwise we stay quiet. Take this at your own pace without feeling you are obliged to post. Talk when you are ready and say as much or as little as you wish.

Having said that I am interested in how your psychiatrist session went. Only when you are ready and only as much as you wish. Please do not exhaust yourself by posting in everyone's thread. This can be an exhausting business, so take time to be you.

I love getting together with my family whether we go out for a meal or get together in one of our homes. Nothing like family to be there when you feel upset. Does anyone know you are getting therapy?

In my last post I asked if had considered getting a dog. Maybe you already have one. If not then consider increasing your family. Dogs are so accepting and ready to give affection. I have always had a dog in my home until my last move. I used to sit on the floor at home when I was a child and talk to our dog. He knew all about my troubles and he never told anyone. Now that's a friend.

Pets can play a big role in our lives and also with our MH. To sit and stroke your cat or dog is therapeutic. Taking the dog for a walk is one way of getting out of the house because the dog needs exercise so you get some exercise as well. All good for your MH. If you cannot leave the house then get a smaller dog and play with him in the garden. Again a win/win all round.

How do you go with gardening? Nothing like immersing yourself in the weeding. Good symbolism as well. Growing plants, watching them thrive, grow and flower. Lovely. Do you take take writing your poetry outside? I think that would be another source of inspiration. Sitting in a comfortable chair looking at your garden, cuppa and notebook at hand, is so refreshing. Another way of relaxing and letting peace soak into your body and mind.

Reading is also good. I recommend reading 'Living with IT' by Bev Aisbett. 'IT' is anxiety in its many forms. This is a small paperback you can read in half and hour and come back to and find more. Perhaps your local library has a copy? I think you would enjoy the light touch, cartoons (stick figures) and jokes that are a reflection of ourselves. Enjoy.

Mary

[Chloe_M]

Hope you have fun tonight Em xx

[Emmy.]

Thanks for saying that Mary... sometimes I do put too much pressure on myself re the forum. I feel I let everyone down if I don’t reply but sometimes I just need some time switched off.

The session with the psychiatrist went well, full on as always. He actually said he can see me making some progress which was nice to hear. I spoke about how I feel I don’t deserve to get better and about my dermatillomania. He’s wanting me to set myself some “s.m.a.r.t” goals. He said I don’t need to see my psychologist anymore as he feels I don’t get much from her. And can just work one on one more with him. That made me happy too!

And im so proud of myself (sounds arrogant) but yesterday I went to my “safe” shopping centre. The one where I can see the exit from the shop. But I couldn’t buy everything I needed. I was driving to my sisters house (for dinner) and was going past a shopping centre that had a shop selling what I needed. A shopping centre where you have to do inside, and then into the shop. I thought to myself “I can do this”. So I went in! All alone! And got what I needed. I did it! Then we were having dinner at my sisters. Dad and my sister wanted to dine at a restaurant but I spoke with my sister earlier in the day and asked if we could just do take away as I don’t like going to new places. I feel safer at her house. Well when I got to her house I again thought “I can do this”. And we went to the restaurant on a busy Thursday night. I know it probably doesn’t sound like much but for me this was huge. Some days I don’t even like leaving the house.

I think what prompted this was something my psychiatrist told me to consider rather than wanting to get better for positive things (e.g. husband, family) think of all the negative things that could happen if I don’t get better. The positive things are already there. They’re not going anywhere. Whereas the negative things haven’t happened yet. Oh it’s hard to explain. But he made me answer the question and it was like “if I don’t get better I could”...develop full blown agoraphobia, it could cause problems in my relationship with my husband, it would limit the quality of my life. It’s weird to be told to think of the negatives. Has anyone else been told to think that like. Anyway this post has become so long, I’ve hardly answered your questions.

Yes I have a dog, he’s my best friend and companion, he follows me everywhere. Actually getting new garden beds put in (& a pizza oven).

[Emmy.]

Thank you Chloe, Narelle, Mary, Grandy, SN, Amanda and Smallwolf for all your messages and support. My appointment with the psychiatrist was heavy, as always, but also good too. See above message to Mary. Sorry I’ve been off the forum just sometimes need to be switched off. Much love to everyone. Xx

[Guest8901]

Oh Emmy ... I'm very impressed! To feel some pride in your achievement does not sound arrogant at all. What you managed to do is definitely something to be proud of. I'm proud of you too. You did soooo well.

Never apologise for taking a break, I think we all understand the need to 'switch off' occasionally. Although we each have our own differing methods of being able to do that. So please continue to do what works for you. I know you'll be back and will catch up when you're able. Which you've just done by the way.

Enjoy your weekend Ems. I think the weather currently is very conducive to some gardening activities. I hope the new garden beds get up and going quickly. Does that include a vege patch? Or at least a herb garden, from which you can grow your own fresh ingredients for your new pizza oven offerings. Sounds wonderful.

Amanda

[startingnew]

Hi Emmy

you have every right to be proud of yourself! its not arrogant at all! very well done, amazing work 🙂

it does sound like a heavy session but it also sounded productive. your last part about the negatives rather than the positives does make sense. i think you explained it well and i got the gist of it. its a different way of looking at things for sure.

i hope todays a good one for you 🙂

[Chloe_M]

Good on ya Em, you need some time to yourself too. It's okay if you're not on the forums all the time. How was your day?

[Ggrand]

Hello Emmy,

I just want you to know, that you need to look after you first...

Awe Emmy.. you should be so proud of yourself, wow.I wish I had some of your courage to go to different places...I'm really so proud of you Emmy.

I won't keep you long but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a really wonderful job..and to thank you for your get well wishes on my thread...Thank you.. I appreciate them and you very much...

Warm and caring hugs 🤗🤗..oh and a hug fur your little fur buddy..

Grandy..

[smallwolf]

Super happy with your post.

On the forums. They are not going anywhere. So post when you can or need to. You certainly won't be forgotten or ignored. I find that after a session I need timeout, because I then think about what was said and what I have to do before the next session.

I am curious about the s.m.a.r.t thing though. Can you elaborate?

Smallwolf

[Sapphire_]

Hi Emmy.

Sorry i havent been here in awhile.

Im super happy and proud of you for going into the shops and dinning out with your family. Thats an amazing effort. What your psychiatrist said makes sense to me too. As im having troubles leaving the house too i should think of the negative impacts of not going out. Might help me too since its helped you 😊

I too had to research dermatillomania. I just knew it as Skin Picking Disorder. This i have always thought i have but never really thought about treatment or help for it. I think its stuck with me as i have obsessive personality disorder too. Who knows.. Its worse when im in high stress situations. I pick my fingers and back of my neck and jaw line. I have scars along my jaw line and back of neck. Also another thing i do, not sure if its related but i chew the insides of my cheeks and lips. My friends and family often call me out on it. Are you having treatment for this? I didnt realise there was treatments available.

Hope your having a peaceful night

💙Sapphire xx