Finally opening up
finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.
Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.
I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.
My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.
All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.
My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.
And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.
I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.
I have decided to come back to the forums and start giving it my effort I was giving prior to anything happening in my personal life. I need my structure back, one thing I am huge on is having structure in my life and routine and Beyond Blue was a routine for me and I wanted to get back into it. Help my mind. So please, go into what is happening with you because I do want to know.
I appreciate your offer of help and believe me just talking with yourself and others on here helps me more than you know. Your level of care is much appreciated.
Have you been golfing at all?
So glad to hear you are doing a bit better and getting back in to things for yourself. I can understand if it is a bit hard to get back in to it. Glad that I could be of some help, although I have not been doing much at all.
Basically everything that can go wrong has been, and it is just knocking me further down. Work has taken a turn. I'm not enjoying it and it is affecting my depression. I can't seem to find anything else at the moment too. My health has not been going so well. My social circle is non existent. Have not been golfing in ages. I have not been feeling part of anything or any group lately. Not having luck with relationships too. Found out that my cousin is struggling with anxiety and panic attacks too. So yeah, basically everything that can go wrong, just has been. It's like every time I make some sort of the effort, the universe reminds me not to and just knocks me back about 50 steps.
I relate to everything you are saying, big time. I also feel I am getting knocked back so much. take a couple steps forward and then get dragged back. I know it is tough but this is the time when you have to stand up the most and really start looking forward. May I ask, do you enjoy your time alone? I mean as in when you are by yourself, do you enjoy your own company? Since my break up, I haven't had many friends reach out to me which has played on me a lot and made me very upset but I am starting to see what is good about being alone sometimes and just doing things yourself. It is never easy but if you can learn to be alone, it can be a great thing.
It is definitely a hard thing to do, especially when you feel like you are constantly going back. Sometimes you do keep standing up and going forward, but after a while you kind of wonder why.
I do enjoy my alone time, sometimes. The thing is, I've often been alone for too long, if that makes sense. Even when I used to go to parties or be in crowds, I was always the odd one out, so I felt lonely even though I was surrounded. When I was with my ex, that was the first time in my life I didn't feel alone. I had her, I had a good group of friends from work. I was finally starting to find a group to fit in with, and I was enjoying that. I still have my group of work friends, but I also realised that still, sometimes being with them, you feel alone because they all are always with their partners or talk about their partners and planning things with their partners, or are not always free to hang out or do things etc etc.
Don't get me wrong, there are times I enjoy just being by myself like binge watching a series, but I don't want that all the time. That is what I have the gym for, or golf for, or my tv shows. So I think I just want that balance with it now. I've never not been alone. I read a quote which resonated with me.
"Loneliness isn't the physical absence of other people - it's the sense that you're not sharing anything that matters with anyone else. If you have lots of people around you - perhaps even a husband or a wife, or a family, or a busy workplace - but you don't share anything that matter with them, then you'll still be lonely"
I hope that doesn't come across negative or anything like that. It's just something that resonated with me and when you asked that question, I thought it was so apt that I read that quote just two days ago.
I understand everything you are saying, I too have always been the odd one out. Part of my personality is that I give 110% to everyone I meet, which really sets me back because then I really only get about 80% back from others as much as I try. I totally get the whole being alone even with others as well. I can be out and realise I am alone, it is hard but I just fight through it. The quote is actually great and makes a lot of sense too. You just want to share the day to day stuff with your partner or really someone. Someone just simply asking how your day is, something as simple as that.
How was your weekend?
I understand that feeling. I always give 100% to people and it can hurt when they don't reciprocate. I've learnt to deal with different people and who you can give that 100% to and who not to, but overall, I just feel to always be nice to people, be kind and generous, and try not to let the negative get in the way. No matter how much I am struggling, I will always try and put someone else first, and then struggle alone. So it can hurt when people do not do the same back. I guess that is also why we pine for someone. Someone to share those moments with and be able to be with.
I worked all weekend and that meant I missed my cousins bachelors weekend, so not the most exciting. Was looking forward to a three day weekend this weekend but had to switch a shift, so now have to work the Sunday. Not ideal.
How have things been with you?
Wow, what you wrote was as if you took the words out of my mind, I literally put everyone and their feelings first and worry about my own on my own because I feel it is just easier that way. I have always been like that so not new for me. I think we build up an expectation of how people should act towards us because we would do the same however we cannot do this because it will generally fail to meet that expectation thus hurting us again.
Work sounds like it's been busy, sorry you missed the bachelor weekend that would of been fun. I haven't been doing much, kind of isolated at the moment just keeping to myself which is causing more grief but I will deal.
Totally agree. We expect as we give, and when we don't receive it can be quite shitty. The most important thing is that you don't change who you are. You keep being nice and good natured, and hopefully the right people will come around. Never lower yourself because others are that bad. You just learn how to deal with those who take and never be good in return.
Work has been busy. There has been a massive change at the company and a lot of the staff in my store are not happy. The management have been abusing their power and it's not fair to the staff. So I have kind of been stepping up and trying to help everyone out where I can.
Sometimes that isolation is good. Trust me, I understand isolation sucks. I have had it for almost 29 years and it is the worst. Sometimes it is good though. After you have had a rough patch or have been through a lot, sometimes you just need a little isolation to regather and regroup and reenergise and freshen up. So maybe use the time a bit to do things that would help with that, like going to the range, or spoiling yourself to a good lunch or something every now and again. Go enjoy a mid day movie and spoil yourself. I understand break ups. You know my story, and some times it still hurts, but you know that I am here if you need.
I think that is the right attitude, if you are good natured and enjoy being nice then keep being nice, I think you will attract the right people eventually. I find as you get older you start cutting people out of your life who aren't making your life better or making you be the best version of yourself possible.
Change is a good thing, hopefully the staff can come out of it with some positivity. It is good you are stepping up and helping everyone, shows your true colours which is great.
I agree about the isolation, it is needed and required sometimes, I reached out to an old friend this evening and he ended up calling me wanting to talk and turns out he just went through a bad break up with his ex cheating on him. We are going to catch up next week which will be good. Thank you for the offer of being there, like you, just talking really helps. Funny how it has gone 360 and you have now offering advice to me, which I must say, you are great at.
Yeah, I always think you lose nothing by being a good person, so why change that. It sounds like you are that type of person too, which is good, and you should always be like that. It is a hard thing to do, but I feel the more you learn who to cut out and who to keep, you can then find yourself not dealing with as many problems. The problem comes when you don't really have anyone left, but you are a nice person, and I feel like good people will always gravitate to you.
Hopefully this change is good. My team leader announced she is leaving, so that has thrown another spanner in the works, but we'll just have to see how things go. Hopefully we get a nice team leader. It's been annoying because our assistant team leader has been behaving like a proper terrible person and it's not fun.
That is fantastic. Obviously not what happened to him, but that you were able to reach out and have that reciprocated in a good way. Ideally would have been through different circumstances, but I guess this is one of those things where some good came through and you guys are catching up. You still have some friends there for you which is good.
It's funny how life can work. Sometimes things can change so quickly and we don't realise it, but you were here for me when I wanted to end it all, the least I could do is be there for you through anything. Sometimes the hardship never ends, but at least having someone there can help. I used to look forward to your replies, and I know that it is not as regular these days, but we all have our own processes and work through things in the way we find comfortable. Always happy to help and listen.