Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Not silly at all, it is my pleasure to help in any way I can. I don't doubt for a second that you will meet some new and amazing down the track. Heartbreak teaches us a lot of lessons for down the track when we meet that next person. You will and have learnt a lot from this and I feel that is always a great thing.

Leave on Wednesday? That is awesome, are you starting to look forward to it more now that it is closer?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I wrote a long reply and then the site crashed when I clicked post, so not sure if it worked. Attempt 2

@sdp

Dont worry mate. We all get mental blocks. One day you can write an epic battle in an 1 hour, the next you take 3 weeks to figure out how to get a character to walk across a room. If you do not get it finished straight away, thats fine. Take your time. Just keep working on it. That is the main thing. Do not give up on it. We all get writers block, especially me.

I've always believe that you should do what makes you happy, not what pays the most. I believe you should continue to work towards the career that makes you happiest the most. Money will never be able to buy that. Finding jobs is really hard. I too am struggling. I get put off to apply though because of the constant rejection and the arduous hours and effort you need to put in to applying for a job that gives you no happiness. Some of the recruitment processes are longer than a university course.

Sorry if i dont go into detail about the addictions. I feel like i have come along way with it and if i focus on them, I can fall back in to it. I fell in with a bad crowd and fell the wrong way with some decisions. Used to be quite the sportsman back in the day too. Still have the traits, but the moment is gone.

Definitely lots of compounding. It's not weird. When I broke up with my ex I thought I was the only one in the world. Everyone told me to get over her and move on. I felt so alone like no one else existed. Then you said your story and I realised I was not. Other people are going through the same thing and finally I had someone i could not just relate to, but feel comfortable. I felt like I could fight through this and overcome this.

@jay

I feel like I have come some way, but that it is only about 5% of the way, which is not much at all. I would like to think that one day I will, but despite their being a flicker in the light now, I still often dont really see the light. Hopefully you are right though. Heartbreak hurts way too much.

I am excited for it. Looking forward to it. Just want to escape from work and the stress. Hope it will do me some good. Kind of worried that I will come back and just fall in to this pain.

I'm going to try and use this break to refresh, so not taking my laptop and such. Kind of disconnecting a bit, so if I do not respond to you and spd, i am so sorry. I already am looking forward to talking to you guys when I get back, but thought id give a heads up.

[Guest_0087]

I wrote a long reply and then the site crashed when I clicked post, so not sure if it worked. Attempt 2

@sdp

Dont worry mate. We all get mental blocks. One day you can write an epic battle in an 1 hour, the next you take 3 weeks to figure out how to get a character to walk across a room. If you do not get it finished straight away, thats fine. Take your time. Just keep working on it. That is the main thing. Do not give up on it. We all get writers block, especially me.

I've always believe that you should do what makes you happy, not what pays the most. I believe you should continue to work towards the career that makes you happiest the most. Money will never be able to buy that. Finding jobs is really hard. I too am struggling. I get put off to apply though because of the constant rejection and the arduous hours and effort you need to put in to applying for a job that gives you no happiness. Some of the recruitment processes are longer than a university course.

Sorry if i dont go into detail about the addictions. I feel like i have come along way with it and if i focus on them, I can fall back in to it. I fell in with a bad crowd and fell the wrong way with some decisions. Used to be quite the sportsman back in the day too. Still have the traits, but the moment is gone.

Definitely lots of compounding. It's not weird. When I broke up with my ex I thought I was the only one in the world. Everyone told me to get over her and move on. I felt so alone like no one else existed. Then you said your story and I realised I was not. Other people are going through the same thing and finally I had someone i could not just relate to, but feel comfortable. I felt like I could fight through this and overcome this.

@jay

I feel like I have come some way, but that it is only about 5% of the way, which is not much at all. I would like to think that one day I will, but despite their being a flicker in the light now, I still often dont really see the light. Hopefully you are right though. Heartbreak hurts way too much.

I am excited for it. Looking forward to it. Just want to escape from work and the stress. Hope it will do me some good. Kind of worried that I will come back and just fall in to this pain.

I'm going to try and use this break to refresh, so not taking my laptop and such. Kind of disconnecting a bit, so if I do not respond to you and spd, i am so sorry. I already am looking forward to talking to you guys when I get back, but thought id give a heads up.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

5% is better than 0% and that is something you should be proud of, like I have said before, there is no time limit on when you should feel better so if you only feel you have improved by 5% then take that and be proud of it.

I think the trip will do you justice, use it to switch off like you said, I think it is the best and I know you will have a good time if you do. No issue if you cannot respond, we'll be here when you get back wanting to keep talking.

Have a great trip.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Back from my trip. It was an awesome trip. Did have some moments where I felt like it could unravel a bit when some of my health issues played up, but overall was an awesome trip. Did not want to leave Cape Town.

Spent one day back at work and everything just came back. I hate my job. I need a new one but I do not know where I will find one. I can't believe how one day can make such a difference. I just want to be out travelling, or working in something where I am not under so much stress and pressure, and literally affecting my life. I need to find a change soon or I fear I wont be able to last much longer.

I realised that every hurtful moment or pain is associated with Australia, which is probably why I do not enjoy it here as much, but Australia is home, so I have to make the most of it. Hopefully if I can find a new job and get my health under control, I can start to find some sort of positive change.

Hope you have been keeping well Jay and SPD?

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Welcome back! Glad it was a great trip. I know it sucks to be back home and I think that is common when you are back from a good holiday and have to come back to reality. It has as you said only been one day, I think you need to settle back in at home and get back into a routine but looking for a new job may be a good thing too. If you are not comfortable where you are, you have to do what you can to change it. I do agree that first up is getting your health in line and I think doing that will influence other aspects of your life for the better as well.

I have been keeping well, thank you for asking. Golf has been keeping me happy.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I think I agree. Every time you come back from a holiday it is always worse when you have to go back to reality. I think this time it just hit me really hard. I dont hate my job, I hate the company and I do not like the culture around it, which is in turn making me hate my job. I know it is affecting my stress and my health and the quicker I can be out of it the better. I am prepared to walk away tomorrow, the problem is walking away without any other job to fall back on. Unfortunately we all need money.

I do agree with you though. I have made an appointment next monday to see someone regarding my health. Hopefully they can help. I want to start making smaller changes too such as not sitting on my phone just before bed time and so on. Need to clear out my room a bit and make it a little more comfortable and sleep friendly. Need to find a new job asap and start to work on getting my stress and anxiety under control.

That is good to hear. How I wish I could just walk out of my job tomorrow and be on the golf course. The place we were staying at in Cape Town was on a golf estate. Had this amazing view of Table Mountain in the background from the lounge room. Just outside was the first the house was the first hole and Table Mountain in the background. I used to love sitting on the balcony watching people golf and looking at the view.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I understand and it is never wise to leave a job when you don't have another to fall back on, are you looking at new jobs at all, it can't hurt to start looking where if you leave, you have something to fall back on. If you don't mind me asking, what industry is it in?

Awesome news that you are seeing someone on Monday, is it for mental health or physical health? De-cluttering is also a great way to feel at ease as well, I did it and it helped me a lot. I can't stand clutter.

That sounds awesome with the golf, you didn't get time to play?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I work as a travel agent. I do have a degree in Journalism so ideally if I could find something in either of those fields that would be great. I know it makes sense to have something to fall back on, I am just not sure how much of this current job of mine I can continue to take.

It is for my physical health. Hopefully they can find an answer to the problems I have been having that a lot of the doctors have not been able to answer. I really want to get rid of the clutter, but just dont have the motivation at the moment. Struggling big time with the jet lag (got about 3 hours sleep and now am wide awake), the stress, and mental exhaustion, and my physical health to find any motivation to do anything at the moment.

No, unfortunately was too busy with the wedding to find any time for the course. Guess it gives me another reason to travel back to Cape Town again. That place is just too stunning. Oh how I wish I could travel often.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Well I know it is hard but sometimes just putting up with the current job for a little longer until you find something else you are more comfortable in, is the key.

I know you do not have the motivation at the moment but hopefully once the jet lag wears off you will be able to conjure up some motivation to start doing the thing you want to do. You wish to travel often, why not start setting goals you want to achieve and have that as one of them. We all need to be aiming for something.

What are plans for your weekend?

My best,

Jay