Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[Guest_0087]

@spd

That's good to hear. I keep getting lazy to continue writing my book, so I hope you have been able to get a lot more written than I have. That is a lot of videos on one topic. I used to watch a fair few of them too because it does not make you feel so alone knowing there are others going through the same thing. I feel the same way on this forum hearing your story and having Jay responding, not feeling alone. Probably the only place where I do not feel that way and it really is ironic. Anyway, I hope you managed to get a lot done. I do plan on writing a bit today, so hopefully I will be able to get a fair bit written down at some point.

@jay

I hope you are right. I am really missing her today and the depression has hit much harder today than normal. I have been trying to find some new music for my trip as well, but everything seems to be about love and falling for someone, and it just keeps reminding me of what I lost. I also hate that I can't seem to get along with my parents. I read a sign today that said, "would you rather have friends or money" and for the first time I actually contemplated the money. I guess its because I've always hoped for friends and I dont have any, so at least with the money I can do things like travel and sort of essentially keep running away from everything.

Hopefully I can find the better times you speak of. At the moment, it just feels like every day is a drag. They have very similar fast food to here, but it is more the taste that stands out. A lot of the food, especially the meat, is so fresh and less refined that it just has a much better taste. It could just be me though. Should be going to the range tonight, hopefully I can find my swing otherwise I am just going to get more frustrated.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

That is ok that you had a bad day in missing her, you have to keep riding these bad days out and they come in waves, one day you are doing better, the next you don't feel as good as you did but then the next you start to feel better again. There is no time frame on how long it takes to get over someone, it happens in any amount of time and only you can get yourself there. That sign is interesting, I am not sure what I would pick, I don't have many friends either so I can see how you would want to pick the money as well.

I think the trip will do you more good than not, I think it will be just a good experience and to be away from home is never a bad thing and to sort of get out of your mind even if it is temporary. How did the range go?

My best,

Jay

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

The letter writing is a start/stop process and I'm trying not to be frustrated by it. It's not an easy, flowing, do it all it one go exercise and it is what it is. It'll take as long as it takes, I know that some times I am not motivated to confront myself and get things out, don't want to go to the park and there could be several versions written. It is just how it is.

The videos are the same. It partly comes down to mood. On one hand it feels important for me to go through them all out of a desperate search and need for solutions and clarity (My go to mode that actually doesn't work a whole lot...so the psychologist says) but on the other it feels like the actions of an OCD completist and potentially burning myself out on too much of it. I just have to balance it with some distracting, lighter stuff too.

I can't recall if you have detailed what your book is about but, what IS it about?

[Guest_0087]

@jay

Yeah i understand all that. Really been missing her the last couple of days and it hurts a lot. I am trying to move forward too. I think I am coming to terms with her having a permanent place in my heart now. It sucks a lot when you miss someone so much. I have this jumper of mine that reminds me of her a lot, and I really like the jumper so do not want to get rid of it. I decided I will take it on my trip. Even though it reminds me of her, I will always miss her. It is part and parcel of loving someone, but I figured I need to be able to control those feelings and not let them get the better of me, so will take the jumper on my trip and hopefully it wont be too bad.

My game was actually not bad. The moment I stopped thinking about my swing too much and just played my natural game, I was hitting the ball quite nicely. So hopefully if I can get in to it a bit more, I can perfect my swing. Still a lot of wayward shots.

@sth

I know that feeling. I have started and restarted my writings and my books so many times its unreal. Even the one I am writing now is a start stop and it frustrates me sometimes. I know the feeling with the videos too. I too am constantly trying to find solutions and clarity, and when you posted on here it helped me realise that I am not the only one. I keep seeing people be couples everywhere and it hurts me a lot, but reading your story helped me realise I am not the only one. I really hope you find someone special soon.

My book is kind of in letter format. It is essentially the story of finding this girl and then the relationship ending. The whole story touches on a few things such as love, depression, friends etc. I hope it's good. Like you say though, its stop start. Sometimes I can write for an hour or more non stop, other times I just stare at it.

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Hi Zimbo,

Just to steer the topic off the relationship stuff for a moment (A tad exhausted by it) and stay on writing, there can be a lot of staring going on and in action. It is SO much a part of the process, whether it be a personal thing or a creative endeavor. I know that with this letter for example, it is much about fearing writing all these thoughts and feelings out that have been stuck in my head and rehashed and rehearsed over and over again. Why do I hesitate so much? Isn't writing it out supposed to be helpful?

But even with creativity it is the same. As a film maker, I write screenplays for myself. And I run into walls and blocks, storytelling holes and that can be infuriating, looking at the screen and unable to move forward. Sometimes I might have a clearer picture on a scene that takes place later in the story and could write that easily and with clarity and feel fulfillment from it...but the OCD part of me feels I have to solve the earlier scene FIRST! Maybe I have not "earned" that yet but I also know that if I tackle the scene I DO know how to write, will feel fun and satisfaction by writing, I'll feel better...rather than persisting at the problem scene and getting nowhere but angry. And sometimes too, writing is like pulling teeth. It can be enjoyable, I can be quite good at it, yet I procrastinate...partly because I know that i'm also going to have those hair tearing moments.

It's a strange craft.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I think that is ok that she has a permanent spot in your heart, I would like to say maybe make it semi-permanent because when you meet someone new, which you will in time, they will want your heart all to themselves. It's ok to hold on things like the jumper too, if it makes you feel any better then it is ok. All apart of the healing process I like to think. How long is it until your trip?

Awesome stuff with having a good game, feel good when you are hitting the ball well though huh.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

@spd

I know mate. I'm sorry that it has been a constant. It is one of my main depression points and that is what this forum is for. I am truly grateful that you respond and keep talking. I am actually a journalist by degree and worked in the field for a long time. There were times when I would just stare at my screen trying to figure out what to write in a small 300 word article, even though I had all the facts. With journalism it is often hard because you have to write what you are given, with stories there is a piece of advice I like. Write what you would want to read, not what you think others want to.

I like it because it helps to just let the words flow more and you do not keep wondering if it is any good or if anyone will like it. I think you might be hesitating for the same reason I do. When you write something personally it can bring up old memories or open scars. Don't let the fear contain you though. Write it out. Then read it over and edit wherever you feel until you have written something you feel content with. It is better to often put your thoughts on to paper than to have them consume you from the inside. I do not think you have to go in a particular order. Sometimes you can write the end or the middle first and work around it. If you have something to build off, it makes the writing process a lot easier I feel. I do agree though. It can be hair pulling to write. Sometimes the words just flow, and other times you do not even get a letter. Did you get much luck with that time you put aside to write?

@jay

It might sound silly, but you an absolute delight mate. Thank you for being the first person to validate my feelings and emotions. Everyone else always makes me feel like a burden and distances themselves from me, especially people I thought were friends. I hope you are right too about meeting someone new. I leave on Wednesday. Looking forward to it.

I know. It's a great feeling when you strike it cleanly and it comes off the club sweetly. You hear that nice sound. Still a fair few were off, but I think hopefully now that I have some sort of rhythm, the more I practice, the more solid my swing will get.

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Hey, I'm not bothered by you writing about your ex partner and all the feelings. I can't stop thinking about mine, no matter how hard I try. The only things that will keep her from my thoughts are when I am teaching a karate class or sleep. Problem is the immediate part when class finishes or I wake up to reality.

I just wanted to go on a tangent for a moment because I knew my thoughts on writing would be a good couple of paragraphs. And I felt a bit burned out...not because of you, more on my end.

The letter writing will hopefully resume tomorrow after a few days (For better or worse) going through still plenty more Youtube videos.

I'm actually really struggling this afternoon, feeling this heartache so strongly and just...bawling. I hate this.

[Guest_0087]

Don't worry mate. I cant stop thinking about mine too. I did realise though that when I actively try not to think about them, it is harder. So I try not to actively stop thinking about her or getting her out of my mind. Like you though, I only don't think about her when I'm sleeping or talking to a customer. Other than that, it's hell.

I'm glad you are sticking at the letter writing. I keep telling myself that if you can do it, then I can stick to my book and fight through the pains to finish it. That's not good to hear. I hope you are feeling better today. I too had a bit of a cry last night. It wasn't so much to do with my ex, but more to do with a whole bunch of other issues. Feeling alone and wondering where I threw my life away these last 9 years. My spiral in to certain addictions and giving up on things I was good at. Failing with my education and now having this degree but never being able to actually get a job in it.

Do you mix up the youtube videos? I used to find that if I watch too many of those videos it sometimes did not help, so I would then change it up and add in a few other videos that were more escapism kind of thing.

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

As my discipline/motivation is low, I am kind of complicating things for myself. The OCD completist in me sort of feels the need to finish the many Youtube videos before I get back into the letter which puts it off. Yesterday afternoon I just felt too overwhelmed with the videos that I had to look at something lighter and therefore...things get put off further. The letter is important but I also shouldn't construct ways to beat myself up about not doing it at certain times too. It is supposed to be theraputic after all...hopefully.

What kind of addictions have got in the way for you? I do know what you mean about a degree that is not getting me anywhere and the lack of progress I wish I was at. I learned as late into halfway through my Film and TV uni course that the degree was going to mean nothing in the real world. Although I always considered film school...I enrolled kind of on impulse and a desperate avoidance of being on Newstart Allowance and it bought me some time to figure out my career goals, having quit an 8 yr sales/management career in something totally different that I begun to hate some months before. It was a way to network as well and start film making again from scratch after an 8 yr break...albeit an expensive way to do that.

Forging a career as a film director is HAAAAAARRRD, (Anywhere really, but Australia...Hell, South Aus?, my God) sometimes borderline impossible and combined with unprofessional amateurs I've had to deal with, mediocre networks and film funding bodies that don't seem to be of any help to emerging talent, I have felt quite disillusioned. I have massive ambitions and know what I want my career to be, it's actually all the stuff in between from here to there that is the difficult, frustrating and confusing part.

I can't even seem to get anything happening job wise in something more "simple" and average in 9-5 in graphic design, the field I was originally trained in after high school before turning to film.

So I believe you are like me with that compounding on top of the dominant relationship woes. I don't want to say misery loves company but in a morbid and sad but comforting way, it can kind of help a bit knowing others are in the same boat.