Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[Guest_0087]

I accept that. I have tried speaking to her to get her to understand and to act a bit differently, but she keeps making the same mistakes and the same errors and it does not help me much at all. I talk to one of my cousins, but I don't talk to her often and she is busy being a mother and a wife and lives a bit of a distance away, so not always as easy to get to hers. Other than that, I don't really have anyone else. Everyone I had who was a friend is no longer as they all think I am too much and pushed away. My dad just can't understand it and wants nothing of it. Same can be said for most of my family really.

I just think its silly that I have to miss her and there is nothing I can do about it. It's obvious that the break up is really painful and I still wish to be with her, but if I can't why do i have to keep thinking about her and about the good times we spent. The mind is a silly place. I read a really good quote about love that resonated with me, I shall see if I can find it again and I will share it here. It just kind of summed up everything.

Yeah, it is nice to have that change. I am still feeling a little like an outsider at work, but getting there slowly and hopefully it pays off. I am going to Johannesburg and Cape Town. Going for a friends wedding, and will spend some time with my cousins. Feels like not long enough though when I look at the schedule...

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Perhaps the exercise I am about to do soon this afternoon might help, which is to write a letter to my 2nd ex partner. I don' know if it'll actually be something I'd send to her, but it's a trial run, one sided, full bore, stream of consciousness, however long it ends up writing session to just get all my thoughts and feelings out, good, bad, frustrated, tender, all of it. I've found a lake with some ducks that is a nice place of solace and that's where I'll be doing it, especially while it is a sunny day.

Not a whole lot else has been working all that well this week, given that I have fallen back into poor sleeping patterns again so it is worth a try. Maybe you could have a go too.

[Guest_0087]

I am actually writing something down. I will never be able to give it to my ex to read, but I am working on something and hopefully it will help me. Mine is more of a book than a letter though.

That is good that you are doing that though. I don't know the full story, but I feel like if she has made her mind up, then you need to find ways to get over her, and you have people like myself to help you along. I will always be here if and when you need. It seems our stories are very similar so I know what you are feeling and I hope you can one day find someone who sees how special you are.

That sucks to hear. I have had bad sleeping habits for quite a while now, but I can feel myself slowly getting over her and hopefully moving forward. Today I went on instagram and there was a picture of her right at the top of my feed. It was horrible to see her beautiful face, but I felt it did not hurt as much I thought it would. This could be because I am starting to understand my emotions a bit more and not letting them decide things for me. I really want to be able to see this through with you, so let me know how the writing goes.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I understand everything you are saying, it is so difficult when you feel you do not have anyone to speak with. Like you said to Sad Puppy Dog, we are here to talk to you through this. We cannot solve your problems but we are always happy to read what you are going through and give you a venting space and offer any advice to you in hope that it helps you. I have been in the spot of not having anyone to really talk too and wish I found these forums back when I was younger going through that.

Would love to hear that quote if you find it.

Cape Town and Johannesburg sounds awesome, not your average holiday, hopefully that will be a welcome distractions for you.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I am really grateful for you responding and always being here, as well as Greg in the early days. Same for SadPuppyDog, although his name does remind me of her puppies....not his fault though. It has helped me a lot and I know that often sometimes I relapse and have a hard time getting over her and bringing it up, I guess this is the first time I have actually tried to tackle my problems and it is all happening at once so I am not doing the best job. This is 10 years old build up.

The quote is by Neil Gaiman. "Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets inside you and rip you apart pain. I hate love."

More of an essay than a quote, but I really love the way it's put.

Cape Town and Johannesburg are really nice places. I was there last year as well. Will be nice to see my family. Am very anxious for the wedding as I don't know too many people and am not much of a social interaction person, so not really sure how I will survive that. I'm really hoping it will be a chance for me to get her off my mind for good, but somehow I doubt that very much.

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

That Gaiman quote is ridiculously accurate. Holy crap. It says so much over what it is all about.

It reminds me of something I think I told me dad not long ago saying that I'm in love but I can't enjoy it. I'm in love but I'm completely miserable because I'm not with the one I have the love for. And I kind of resent it, don't want it. For my sanity, "Get off me!"

Sigh.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Not a problem at all, that is exactly what these forums as for, a place you can just vent and not be judged or anything. We are glad to have you here. You are doing a really good job by the way, I also dealt with all my anxiety issues after a decade long build up, probably more than a decade but about the same time and it really does help when you finally tackle them head on.

That quote is awesome and so very true. Very deep.

I think just take the trip as it comes, don't put too much pressure on yourself to interact with people at the wedding, just be yourself and let it flow, just enjoy your time away and use it as a refresher.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Firstly. I apologise to Geoff for calling him Greg. woops

@spd

I know that feeling. Being in love but not being with that person. There are times when I can get over it and it does not affect me, but then there are times when I just want to rip my heart out and throw it away so I dont have to feel the pain. I am really hating things at the moment. I just can't stop thinking about her, no matter how much I keep trying to move on. This morning I went to take out the bins at work and I walked past the restaurant we went to, and I just cracked. I hate how I can go from she not being a thought one day, to her memory ruling my life. How is the letter coming along? Did you manage to get some things written down?

@jay

I never expected anyone to respond, or continually respond, so I guess that gave me kind of a hope. At the moment I know its possible to get over it and move forward, I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel though. It's kind of excruciating, but it's the reality I am living with.

Yeah, the problem is myself is not what everyone expects. I don't mind the weirdness but not everyone acknowledges it. I also struggle really badly with anxiety and my nerves just take over when it comes to social interaction. My biggest aim for my trip is to eat a lot of the fast food they have in South Africa. Its really good and cheap. Finally going to the range again tomorrow. Been about two weeks since I've last been. Think my game will be completely out of whack

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Hi Zimbo,

I made a start yesterday. I found a good spot at a sheltered picnic table at my new favourite park but it was too cold, windy and distracting. After ten minutes I left. Since my internet is down and I'm equally invested in going through my Youtube playlist (225 odd videos on psychology, depression, lonliness, relationships, breakups, NLP, etc) as well, I want to get through some of those at the library first. Going to have a couple of hours set aside for letter writing tomorrow and the sun should be out too.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

The light is there and it is coming, just need to keep moving forward and digging and looking for it. It is there.

I have suffered from anxiety for a long time but social anxiety was never one of them so I cannot relate entirely on that part but anxiety is anxiety at the same time and it can be so crippling so I understand that. Fast food sounds good, what sort of fast foods do they have? I went to the range the other day, my swing was actually working for me that day so I walked out feeling good.

My best,

Jay