Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[Guest_0087]

Hi Jay

No chance of getting back with her. She essentially cheated and has made her decision. I have lost so much sleep and hurt way too much over her. There are still times and moments when I can't stop thinking about her, but I don't see any chance of us getting back together after everything that has happened, and I know it will be hard, but I think I need to try and move on.

I hate that I am reminded of it though by almost everything. Music, seeing people hold hands. movies, places we went to together...just even the little things something. I really hate this and sometimes wish I never met her. The years of dealing with all the issues I have had were triggered by this, and I don't know where the end is. Every time I feel like I am coming out of this black hole, I get dragged in much deeper and things get much worse.

I did not end up at the Marvel exhibit. It was the last day too, so I have missed out on that.

I did go to the range as well too, but my game was so off and bad that I ended up getting frustrated with myself and I just got more upset and disappointed.

Hope you had a good weekend?

[O_Dorney]

Hi Zimbos

I have had depression for 5 years and after hospitalization ECT and medication , nothing seemed to work. Please dont think I am marginilisin your condition but instead of wanting it to go away I took is as a calling card that I need to understand how the human condition works. I am no expert but I found out a lot about myself.

There is plenty on the internet and after some time I have managed to educate my self out of it. Its not easy but its simple. Depression has changed me and left me with differnt values.

Either way its tough and your post really got me. Hang in there. There all thoughts feelings and emotions appearing in awareness. Check out awareness

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Yeah once cheating becomes involved, it is very hard to rebuild that relationship on the same foundation it was originally built on. Things will always remind you of lost love because so many things you do everyday are generally involved with your partner, as I've said before, time will heal this. It is always at its hardest at these points. You shouldn't regret that you met her, believe it or not this down the track will be a very big reason you would have grown and learnt so much from this experience. We can learn from every experience that life throws at us.

Everyday you just need to try and move on and keep healing. It is tough as hell I know that but the more you face that it happened and that you cannot change the past, I think then you will start being able to move on from it. All you can do is go forward from this point. You will keep on tripping on what's in front of you, if you keep looking behind you.

My weekend was ok, a little boring, other than the driving range, my shot was off too which got me frustrated as well.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

@O Dorney

That sucks to hear. Hospitalisation must be very hard. I do not feel that way, do not worry. I understand that I need to get somewhere with it. I think it makes it really hard when people do not understand how hard it can be and the depths you sink to, when you try so hard to not actually go that far low or want to have to deal with it. It is not a lifestyle choice and when things that hurt happen, it makes it so much worse.

@Jay

I am slowly working on that I feel. It is just hard and at the moment it is very difficult to have to deal with the pain. I have dealt with it for so long I don't wish to deal with it for a long time more. It is not something I chose or ever aimed for, so why should it it happen to me. I appreciate what you are saying though. Let's hope I can find something that helps me to look forward and not behind. I want that feeling again, but I don't want to be held hostage by what was. Not just with my ex, but with everything else as well.

I think I came very close to slamming my club, which would not have been a good thing. It's just another example of how when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong, and thats just my life at the moment.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

That is what it will take, just slow and take each day as it comes and realise and understand each day is a chance to get better and move forward. Just need to also keep looking for that next thing to take your attention away from the past and something to focus on the future, it doesn't have to be a new relationship either, it could be a new hobby or something else for you to focus on.

Ahh I felt that a couple of times, you think you have the perfect hit and then it just veers to the far right.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Feel like I can start to say I am slowly getting there. Was meant to hang out with her today but decided not to because of how she went about everything and how she has treated me. I don't think she knows the pain she has caused and that seems very unfair considering how much of my heart I gave her. But like you say, slowly but surely I can start to work on taking back some sort of semblance of my life.

There are just times when I can get over those kind of things, but thats about as good as it feels it will get. Nothing feels like it will get better and every time I try, things just seem to get worse.

My shots were veering right, left, not going more than 50 metres, was hitting the tee instead of the ball. It is just horrible. My uncle wants to go tomorrow but I am now down and out with the flu so I that is a bit of a bummer too.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

That is great to read that you feel you are slowly getting there... each and everyday is a step forward. I think it is good you didn't see her because it will only just bring you back down especially when that person can not see how much they have hurt you. Honestly you have been on these forums for around a week and already seeing positive improvement and moving forward, doesn't matter if one day you only move one inch... it is still moving forward.

I had probably one in every 20 shots getting about 150 - 200 metres and straight but every other shot was just off. I kept changing clubs to see if it would make a difference. Next time I go just need to focus a little more. Sucks you couldn't go with your uncle but the flu is getting around so just need to take it easy and feel better.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hey mate

Sorry for the delayed response. Been out with a terrible flu the last few days and just kind of trying to get over that at the moment.

I feel it was a good decision to not hang out with her. I can still picture the good times we spent and sometimes find it difficult to sleep or move on when my mind tends to fall back on those memories, but I do feel like I am a lot further along than a few weeks ago. Really annoyed that I got sick because I have not been able to go to the gym or anything, but I guess it was a blessing in disguise as it meant I did not get to hang out with her. Also probably better to get sick now rather than on my holiday.

Still have a lot of the other issues to deal with and get over and some of them are really hard to. I sometimes do not see that light at the end of the road.

My iron game is all good, but its just with the driver that I keep messing up. It is starting to frustrate me more than it should. I am competitive by nature, so if I struggle at a sport I can get quite upset. I have been using the driver for a long time, so not really sure why i am still struggling with it so much.

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Hi Zimbos, I'm not sure I can offer much on my first post but I hope to add some and more value with further posts. But I do have sincere empathy and concern and relate to a lot of what you said. I have loved and lost the girl, two of them actually in a short space of time. Oct last year, my partner of 7.5 years broke up with me and turned from a caring woman into someone cold and cruel. A lot of the whole break up just doesn't make sense. We don't talk anymore, but I see her occasionally in a sporting club we're both in. It was devastating. Then in April, in that same club I met someone who I found out was just as interested in me as I was in her. She had a crush on me from the start of the year. I was ready for someone again. A whirlwind and passionate romance that was so easy, so powerful and brilliant went on for only two weeks until she said she'd "Not ready for a relationship" and broke up with me and giving all sorts of reasons that again, make no sense. I've been plunged into a worse depression since, still pining for her all the same and wishing for her to be back with me, like I suppose, a fool. Things have got a bit awkward and we haven't talked much. I've sort of been avoiding her out of fear even though I want to be around her. I seem to be more broken by her than the first strangely enough. And I have ALL those same triggers too. Places I went with her in the time with her, I have to drive or walk other ways around. Some times it feels pathetic even if it is understandable. I can't stop thinking about her.

And I have all the same reductions of enjoyment in the things I usually love too.

I guess I'm just saying that you're not alone in how you feel. Maybe that helps, maybe right now it does very little. It IS Hell and I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hope you're doing OK.

[Guest_0087]

Hey SPD. Welcome to the forums.

Everything you have just said is so relatable. I have had relationships that laster longer that I got over so much quicker. What happened with this girls was almost identical to yours. We crushed on each other without either saying anything. Eventually, when I finally said it and she said she liked me back, it was like heaven on earth. Things were great for a few weeks, and then suddenly, she wasn't ready for a relationship. I tried so hard and eventually after some trying, we got together properly. Then she ended things again and her reason was lame and silly. I gave her my heart and she crushed it, in front of me. It sucks. I can't stop thinking about her because all the time we spent together was so great. Even the last time we spoke properly we were planning on taking her niece to a light show, and then she just went cold on me. Stopped talking to me and eventually I figured out what she had done, and she said she was ending things.

That sounds so much worse now when I type it. I think its because i still have a lot of anger about it and it is finally starting to seep through. Before I could not see her as anything but this sweet angel, but now having had some time, I am relating to Three Days Grace music a lot more. One song in particular. It is still hell. I always miss her and can't get over that.

Thanks for your concern. I am really trying hard and am doing a little better. Hope you are doing better after what you have gone through. If you need someone to talk to about it, I am here for you mate. Happy to listen.