Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[HamSolo01]

Hi quercus 

Sending my best across the internet to you wherever you are in life now

[Quercus]

A very belated hello and happy new year to everyone ❤,

Thanks Mitch, Quirky, SN and CMF for your messages. That was a lovely surprise to log in and see. Hopefully you're all doing OK?

Things here are ups and downs (lots of downs, zoning out and sleeping) but I'm just doing the whole 'one day at a time' thing and trying to be present for my family.

Psychiatrist says I'm doing OK just grieving and we'll monitor things over time. Makes sense to me. Hubby is more concerned than I am but God bless him he always notices, worries and cares when I revert to being a hermit and not talking. 

Last I posted life was chaos and some things have improved. Others not.

Hubby's parents have reconciled and a lot of that hell has been talked through and dealt with.

Hubby and our kids have been invited on a trip with the karate club to Japan this year which is so exciting. All the kids will stay a few days with families from the Japanese dojo to go to school with their children which is an amazing opportunity for my two! I'm a bit nervous because I'm staying here to care for all our animals and two weeks is a long time to be away from my ferals!

I suppose we're a bit used to being apart because I've made lots of trips away last year to visit my parents. Mum's cancer spread and she passed away on Christmas morning. I'm thankful I could spend the time with her last year and that hubby just made it work financially.

I'm devastated. It catches me off guard every day. I take a photo of the kids and immediately go to forward it knowing she'll love it. Then remember.  Or hear my phone beep a few times and laugh thinking Mum is bombarding me with jokes and memes as always. Then realise no.

It hurts. There is just this giant gaping hole left. 

I just want to sleep and be alone which is not healthy but that's about where I'm at. Makes it so hard on my family when I'm just not present mentally but I'm trying. 

Enough for now. That's what I can get out today. 

Thank you for listening as always and I really do hope you're all feeling well in yourselves. 

Love Nat

[HamSolo01]

Hey Quercus

Been a while hey?

Thank you for your post and your update. My oh my much has happened. 

Rather than talk about myself, I'd rather save that for a post of my own on my own thread. 

I was saddened to hear about your mum's passing. Those experience you speak of regarding your mum and how you go to text her something or think she's messaging you..... yes they hurt. I hope and pray that you are on the healing journey. I am happy to hear you have much love and happiness surrounding you. In the end that's what we need most. I remember watching After Life (that show with Ricky Gervais as the protaganist and how negative he is after losing his love, but then the whole series is about his healing journey). About how he moves forward, maybe not on, but definitely forward. 

The one's we lost never truly leave us though Quercus remember that. My partner (of 21 months this week) lost her sister when she was young and her grandfather about 10 years ago. She has photos of them both around our place and it is a memento to those we love. I'd also recommend the song "Hold on to Memories" by Disturbed. They are a Nu Metal band, but this song of theirs is a hit and its definitely a tear jerker. 

I speak of my partner's loss because I am now of the view, particularly after covid, that loss is the way we seem to connect to others more than ever. We visited their graves in her home country late last when I went there to meet her family. the words of Aeschylus come to mind: 
"Even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart. And in our own despair, and against our will, comes wisdom to us from the awful grace of god"

Even though I am not particularly religious (more like a Christian spirituality I guess) this verse gives me hope and strength that ultimately wisdom comes to us. I can problematise it til the cows come home, but in the end the core truth of it still stands - the grace of god (or that which is above us, the luminous, the enlightenment, the divine) gives us wisdom. I think of this whenever I think of my partner's family losing their kid for they are still so loving and kind, despite the worst suffering. 

In many ways I think society is still healing from so much. Similar to that of a post-war recovery. We all have memories and traumas of that period, but it is most fortunate that we live in a country that has, more or less, a culture of egalitarianism and mateship. Just look at the outpouring of grief from the events in Sydney last weekend. My repsonse is to simply say that the whole situation is sad and I have had enough of the media hyping things up to try to manipulate me. 

More on that later perhaps?

All the best to you Quercus and I should say that lately I have been reflecting on the early days when I posted on here more routinely - you said something to me that I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on of late - that at times  i end up in the gutter, in the darker, more sinister areas of my mind, but i have a habit of getting myself out of them. Long ago you mentioned that to me. I have reflected on it a lot. 

My best
Hamsolo01 / Mitch