Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again
I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....
I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.
Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.
I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....
But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.
My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.
And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.
Thanks for posting CMF and SN and I'm sorry I never seem able to reply or check on anyone.
Being truthful, things here are ups and downs. Overall I am overwhelmed and tired and worried.
Dad started chemo and radiation this week. He goes every day. I drove down south today to deliver the bags of frozen meals hubby had cooked to make life even slightly easier for Mum and Dad.
Seeing the chemo pouch thing made it very real I guess. One week down, four more to go, then another course of chemo, then major surgery then another course of chemo. It's advanced. The specialists said my sister and I have to go have checks urgently too. I haven't yet.
My Dad is positive and resilient as always so I can't help but feel he will survive this. The alternative isn't something I can cope with at the moment.
Not sure what's going on in my head. I hope you're all doing alright.
I've not spoken with you for ages, and happened to see your name on a post the other day. I'm wondering how you, the kids and husband are all getting on?
Did you end up moving to a new block, wiht all the gardening you have done?
I hope things have been going well for you
I'm ok but struggling with the new forum of course