Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Quercus]

Thanks Mitch.

I appreciate you checking in. Doesn't sound like you're feeling very well lately either. Hopefully this all passes soon for all of us in a low.

Tried to reply to your thread and keep deleting instead.

Hi to anyone reading. Life is the same here but I'm trying as always. Tired. Sad. The usual. Hope the view is better from where you all are.

❤ Nat

[quirkywords]

The words same old same old come to mind. Tired, sometimes sad, teary , some good days, maybe that is li

nat it is great to read your post.

Take care

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

I went for a walk yesterday on a road that runs parallel to the one I usually walk on in our region, and yes the view was very different.

Recently smallwolf shared a story about choosing a new pathway that is better than the ones we have created in our minds already.

While walking, I reminded myself I am in the same area, but seeing something totally different.

I hope Nat you can find some joy, peace and hope in amongst the tiredness and sadness.

While reading notes this morning I was reminded of "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy" and sitting with those unpleasant thoughts instead of trying to fight them off.

Wishing you some little treasures along the journey Nat.

Cheers from Dools

[Quercus]

Thank you Quirky and Mrs D... Reading your posts helped yesterday. I was feeling a bit crap.

Quirky I've missed reading your posts. How are you coping since the fire?

You mentioning 'Same old' helped a lot. I get that feeling sometimes and get in moods where I just want to change everything in my life radically. And it backfires on me because I need routine to feel well. Last time it happened I shaved my hair off which I regret. Keep wondering if the psychiatrist is onto something putting me on bipolar meds. They seem to help somehow.

Mrs D when you wrote about choosing a pathway different to what we create in our minds it made me think about something unrelated but something I realise now is a problem. I hadn't seen it till now. So thank you.

My problem is creating daydreams to distract myself. I'm not present a lot of the time and hours can pass without me realising.

Yesterday was a bad day. I had one of those nightmares where you want to wake up but can't. Thank goodness my hubby shook me awake. I was soaked in sweat. It took me an hour to fully wake up.

At work I made myself focus. Realised how absent I usually am. I suspect most days I work on autopilot. It made sense why hubby gets so annoyed. If he was absent with our kids and I it would upset me too.

Trying to be present I made myself visit a friend today rather than retreat home and go blank like I wanted to. It was nice and I have missed her. I'm absolutely drained (three kids and a friend wanting attention I find hard) but it was worth it.

Hopefully I can give my kids and hubby my attention and set aside time before bed to have time alone.

Have a lovely weekend everyone.

❤Nat

[Croix]

Dear Natalie~

It is great to hear from you, and you are probably right, a fair amout of time spent in autopilot, at times so do I when anxiety takes over.

You did say

Hopefully I can give my kids and hubby my attention and set aside time before bed to have time alone.

Visiting your freind would have been lovely, but as you said, exhausting, so maybe not trying similar all the time?

May I suggest that some autopilot may be needed as you are making daydreams, not always nightmares, so perhaps a more balanced approach might be a good start, not forcing yourself all day with only a little time at night, but something more gentle on yourself

What do you think?

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

I sometimes have issues with disconnection. Like you, I can go through a day and wonder where I have been and what have I actually been doing all day.

One psychologist suggested I stop now and then to consider things I can see, taste, feel, hear and darn it I have forgotten what the 5th sense is! Oh well, you get the idea. To be honest I found it all a little weird. Maybe she needed to explain the reasoning behind it for me to be committed in trying it.

When I am out walking I do try to stop to take photos, that helps me stay connected with what is going on around me. One day I just kept walking...then remembered I had to get home again!

Daydreams can be a pleasant way to pass some time and helps to relax the mind and maybe even goes towards creating those new helpful pathways.

Could you set an alarm on your phone each hour or so that will remind you to check back in with reality, have a look around for a while then continue on with your day.

Hope you find ways to move on Nat, best wishes from Dools

[josh1245]

hey Quercus I would firstly like to applaud you for your incredible strength and bravery in having the strength in posting your struggles at the moment its something that you should be really proud of yourself. Im really sorry that you are currently going through such a hard time right now. but you have everyone in the beyondblue community to support you in your journey.

regards josh.

[Quercus]

Oh. Talk about thankful...

It's been so long since I looked at my thread. Even reading the forums is overwhelming which (for me) is not a good sign.

Am trying to force myself to keep talking rather than shut down even more. I forgot how hard it can be to want to try sometimes. Seeing your post Josh1245 meant a lot to me. Thank you.

Hopefully I'll feel able to find your thread and learn your story in time.


Things here feel pointless. Usually I'd work on my garden but that makes me feel worse. We are just waiting for information on a proposed mine right around our home.

I feel so angry and lost. They've started upgrading local roads, upgrading rail crossings and installing cameras in the bush. The number of utes and trucks has exploded. But there is no information yet. Nothing. We got a letter from the shire saying a community mediator had been selected and we'll find out more soon.

The amount of money being spent is a bad sign. It's as if they know it's going ahead regardless of any consulting. But we don't even know what is planned apart from that they found nickel, platinum and copper. And there used to be a gold mine in the area.

Hubby said if they refine anything locally we have to try sell and leave. The idea of leaving and starting all over again has broken me. Hubby says we have to wait and see but I am numb and empty. My garden.

Sorry for the negativity. I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. Am going to ask him to put me back on the old antidepressants I know work somewhat. Have to try something because right now everything except my kids feels pointless.

Thanks for the space to vent. It does help.

Note to self... Lots of words in there after all see! Just try again.

[Croix]

Dear Nat~

I'm glad to hear from you, even though you are in a bad space. I hope the ADs do something.

Frankly I'm not surprised you feel pointless, with the prospect of your house and garden for which you have planned, saved and worked for having to be sold. Pretty devastating.

How is your husband taking it, as down for him?

My wife, Mrs C, always says "when one door closes another opens" which at the time of the disaster does not seem in the slightest helpful -annoying even.

Trouble is she has an excellent track record, and most often something else does come up

So how are the ferals?

Hang in here Nat, we are still thinking of you and hoping it works out well

Croix

[Quercus]

Thank you Croix ❤️.

Mrs C is a smart cookie. I'm glad you have her in your corner. How have you both been?

Hubby says the same thing. He's realistic and says as long as the kids and us are ok we'll just start again. He's been trying to be healthier to improve his blood pressure which is good to see even if he's disappointed/annoyed that I'm not trying as well.

Ferals are just feral and Ive given up on trying to reign them in. Let them enjoy being kids. I like their joy for life. They're both such lovely little human beings I wish I could enjoy being with them. They can tell I'm not right inside again.

Miss 5 lost her first tooth. She has her own tooth fairy now called Mrs Fang (her brother has Mrs Tooth). I made the handwriting on the note so silly with loops that even Mr 7 couldn't read it. Got to seize even small joys huh.

Time for work. Thank you for your care Croix. I hope you are alright xox