Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky 😊

Waffling is welcome here! I like your style. I waffle like my Dad. He can make a 5 minute story take half an hour to tell but I love that about him.

How are you doing?

[Quercus]

Ok. Self assessment time again. Hard questions to ask but needed.

1. Why are you constantly on the defensive with hubby? One slight or the hint of criticism and you bite and snarl and isolate yourself further. Why? Nothing? Ok try the "when you... I feel" from the church course thing.

When you...

Point out my many flaws and mistakes and never give a compliment

I feel...

unappreciated

useless

physically repulsive

When you yell or are angry and silent

I feel...

frustrated. Intimidated. Belittled.

Its a start Nat. Try again tomorrow.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Nat..

I hope it’s okay to pop in to say hello...I just listened to your last two posts...Its just that your sounding so down on yourself and that’s so unfair because I see you so differently...and what you have written is so untrue...

I can say to you that you are so wrong with your self assessment...When we do a self assessment we look always at the negatives that other people make us feel...then we start to belittle ourselves without any just cause...We/me believe what we hear..when we really should be believing in ourself...and who we really are...

You are so very much appreciated here...Also loved and cared for by many people here that you have helped in so many ways and that your unaware of..Definately not useless dear Nat..your usefulness here is very outstanding and once again appreciated by many..

Try hard to not feel frustrated, intimidated or belittled..Nat..hun that’s your depression talking to you..My goodness your such a caring, compassionate, lovely person..I can hear it in your words when you talk to others...

Please Nat...try to see yourself through mine and other people eyes here...you are definitely not any of those things you have described yourself as...You are so much stronger then your depression..you are not your depression dear lovely lady....please don’t let your depression define the real you..the person you really are..A wonderful mother to your two beautiful children..a caring wife to your husband...and the amazing Community Champion you are here.....

Believe in you and have faith in you that you are a very special one of a kind unique beautiful person...

Love and hugs dear Nat....I hope you sleep deeply and restful tonight and wake up to a day that good memories can be made...💜🤗..

Grandy..

[Quercus]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for taking the time to read my waffle and reply. Today has not been a good day but I survived the damn thing so it is a win even if it doesn't feel like that.

I chose to put the kids in the car and drive to my friend's house rather than wait out the thoughts alone. Asked for help.

Had to stop on the side of the road and wait out a meltdown midway. But company helped even if it meant five kids and chaos.

Then hubby came home. Even though he had called this morning and knew my new meds aren't working and I didn't trust myself alone it was the same as usual tonight. No hello or how are you or hug. Just went off about me not listening as usual. Stormed off and went to bed leaving me alone again.

I keep wondering if there is another woman or something. Nothing I do is right and I feel like he has either had enough of me or is trying to pick an argument. It is hard because I want to disappear and I feel like the only person I felt truly loved by wants me gone too.

Sorry I haven't asked about you Grandy. Hope your ok. Thank you for caring. I am safe by the way. If needs must I will go for a road trip and sit in the ER till I feel calm.

Nat

[Helen_A]

Hi Quercus

Reading your post made me.feel like there is hope and with the right medication it is possible to get through the tough times.

Its great to hear stories like yours there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

Sorry to read you are struggling so much at present. That can really suck when all you want is a bit of peace from your own mind and someone to be there for you.

Medication can be part of the answer, for me I have to work hard on so many different aspects of my life to get the balance right.

I used to wonder if my husband had a partner somewhere. I still wonder if that had been the case when he was working in the city. I heard him and an old work mate talking about a lady when they were a bit drunk and it made me wonder. Should have asked him then and there.

This may not be the case at all.

Can you greet your husband when he comes home with a hug, ask him how was his day and ask if he has any plans for the evening. You may do this already. It can be hard to feel the rejection if that happens. Over time I have found my husband to be more receptive.

( I sound a bit like a commercial for the 1940s! "Wives ensure you have on clean clothes, have your make up done, the house clean and the children look sparkling new for when your husband arrives home from work".)

Nat, it is no fun when you feel like you are always in a battle with yourself or others. Hope you manage to find some peace dear precious lady.

Cheers from Dools

[Ggrand]

Hello dear Nat,

Im really sorry that your husband says and treats you like that..that’s so not right..

My hubby as you probably know is no longer with me, but when he was he also treated me like yours does day in and day out..and I believed him..In fact after 5.5 years of him gone I still do...I mean when I do something that I make a mistake with, my first reaction is to think and often say....you are so right I am useless, no good etc..Please try hard Nat to not believe what your thinking ...The more you believe these things the harder it will be to stop those thoughts from hurting you on a daily basis...

The silent treatment is horrible..it makes one feel invisible and unappreciated...I’m really sorry he done that..I wish I could say something to make you feel better when he does that..I once had the silent treatment for over a month..it hurts I know..It’s not you dear Nat..Please try hard to remember that..it’s your hubby and his issues...not you at all..

I hope dear Nat that today is a better day for you then all the yesterday’s that have gone..

Love and hugs dear sweet lady...💜🤗🤗...only virtual hugs I know but sometimes they help...because if I was their with you..I would certainly give you as many as you need/want...🤗🤗.

Grandy..

[quirkywords]

Nat

I was very sad to read your latest post.

I used to feel that everything was my fault and that the one person who said they loved me would rather spend time at the pub with strangers than be with me. In fact I had two partners that didn't like my company so I thought it must be my fault. In reality it is not that simple. Your husband is probably having problems but he can't find the words to explain.

I am glad you had a friend you can hang out with and be safe with.

If writing here helps do that but if it is too tiring or painful we understand.

you have so many strengths that I feel so sad you doubt yourself.

I have found unless you have been on medication people really have no idea of the side effects.

Quirky

[Quercus]

Hi Helen😊

Welcome to the forums and thank you for taking the time to read my posts and reply. I'm glad you feel hope from my story.

It is lovely to have new members reaching out to people who have been around for a while...it helps everyone feel more welcome and appreciated (me included).

I saw your thread but wasn't sure what you were struggling with. Is there a topic close to your heart you were looking for? I found joining in was a good way to start feeling at home on the forums. Hope to see you about often!

PS feel free to call me Nat if you like. Quercus is a bit of a mouthful at times.

[Quercus]

Dear Quirky and Mrs D and Grandy (I hope the group reply doesn't make you feel less important, I valued each of your replies so much).

I think it is a matter of waiting till my pschiatrist appointment and asking for either a higher dosage or something else. The new meds are a problem. I went to work today and spent the first half an hour crying while working outdoors. It was ridiculous. Thank goodness it is school holidays and noone else was there. I felt silly. Ah well.

First thing in the morning hubby gave me a huge hug so he did at least see his lack of care had hurt. He said he was angry that I say I'm alright and then have a meltdown and say I'm not. Made sense. I have been trying to not show him how low I feel. Same with the psychiatrist. I am worried they will put me in hospital.

Hospital isn't a bad idea. Except it is so far from home. There is noone to stay with the kids and we can't afford hubby to have leave. Plus miss 4 would not cope at the moment. She asks every day if I have work and has meltdowns when I go to work. Me leaving would be a huge problem for her. So I keep safe, keep trying and yes I do probably tell hubby less than usual. He understood this thank goodness.Am going to contact the psych and see if he wants me to up the meds until I see him. Better than just waiting I suppose.

Thats my news in a nutshell. How are you all doing?