Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky 😊

Control for sure! It is something I struggle with because of that awful relationship long ago. I need independence or I start feeling like a doormat again.

Finding a happy medium is hard work!

Hope your inner critic is asleep today!

❤ Nat

PS have you ever taken mood stabilizers? If so what do you think of them?

[Doolhof]

Hi Nat,

Sometimes it is "natural" for those automatic negative thoughts to bombard us. When they hit me, I try to think of something more positive to think. It doesn't always work thought does it!

Last night my husband was telling me how to cook...again! He cooked for a couple of years, so now likes to tell me what I am doing wrong. Suggestions are okay, criticism is not all that helpful! I had a little snap and asked if he would like to do the cooking.

Your idea of the covering for the sand sounds excellent. We had our home built a decade or so ago, it ended up being a very wet year so we needed rubber boots. It was clay soil, so we had to scrape the clay off at the back door.

Choosing the colours can be exciting. So pleased for you that you like the selections and they go well together.

I'm doing okay most of the time. My Dr is trying to get me into a mental health support place close to where we live. He has submitted my referral twice yet I heard nothing from the people. I called them myself and they said they had no referral or details.

So I emailed the Dr and he said he would try again! It has been over a month since he started the process!

Wishing you all the best, cheers from Mrs. D

[Quercus]

Hi everyone... Please excuse the letter to self. I need it.

Hi Nat,

Time for a reality check.

If you don't make an effort and try you now know what is going to happen.

Your marriage is a mess.

Yesterday you both were angry as usual and fed up. He lashed out with "right we need to talk and figure out what we are going to do because your attitude is just shit" and you lashed right back with "like what? You pack up and leave perhaps?".

It only got worse from there.

His "solution" was to sell the house and move back to the city! Naturally you just lost it. Told him no way are you going back to the city.

Asked him why the hell did he get your hopes up? Why buy our land? Why build? Years of work and fencing and all my plants and trees. My rock walls! Painting.

And his first idea is to just sell it.

You told him he needs to think about what HE wants. Because if I could have anything all I would want is two full water tanks to splash about and for him to stop yelling at the kids and I all day.

He said that thinking about what you want is a dangerous idea. Naturally you asked what that meant...the answer made you furious.

He said when you start thinking about what you want sometimes it isn't the same as meeting your obligations.

Fk that! Writing it down makes you even more angry. And hurt. Good on you for telling him the truth. That if he sees you as a fkn "obligation" he can bloody well go because you may be a pain in the ass but if he is with you out of obligation not want you don't want him here.

It was a hard thing to hear. It was even harder to swallow your pride and initiate make up sex. Sometimes it is easier to bridge the gap without words. To say "I want you to WANT me too" without having to say it aloud at first.

Mary was right. She wrote make sure hubby knows you love him. You've been so sick and tired of his constant put downs you've stopped caring about showing affection.

It makes sense that he doesn't want to be here with you when you get defensive of his criticisms and shut him out.

Try again Nat. Surely there is some sort of way you can get him to quit being to bloody angry all the time?

If you don't try it is only going to get worse.

[Croix]

Dear Natalie~

You have a facility with words, and can, when you take your time, say things well.

So at a calm time when you have thought over all the positive things and things that show your need why not write a love letter, simply designed to make him feel better without his interruption - or yours?

What do you think?

Croix

[Quercus]

Thanks Croix, as always your ideas are solid.

He has always squirrelled away and kept my notes and letters so it is an idea that could help.

Hubby said he agreed to buy the land and move here to make me happy. I am happy here but it feels like it at the expense of his comfort and happiness.

I feel like the letter should say I will move back to the city for you. I will sell our beautiful little red house for you.

But (always a but) I know I will regret it and perhaps resent it. Because I love it here. For the first time since I was 17, I am home and feel safe.

Perhaps the letter can at least acknowledge I am aware he is unhappy here. Just like every job he has had in the last few years or all the changes since I fell apart. I understand he has sacrificed a lot for us.

Maybe I can ask for time. Give it a year. A year to pour concrete and for me to establish lawn and plant more shrubs and trees and smooth the pathways and driveways. He hates being dirty and a new house and garden takes time to be neat and tidy to his standard.

Once the tiling and concrete is done and all our furniture and boxes come out of his shed perhaps he will be happier? Perhaps I can unpack the dart board I bought years ago. Or the fancy table tennis table which was a gift from his parents. Things he has been keeping for special "when the house is ready".

Perhaps he needs help to remember how to let go and have fun for once rather than worry about work.

I don't know. I'll have to think on it. But thank you Croix for your idea. I appreciate it.

❤ Nat

[Doolhof]

Dear Nat,

If you don't mind me asking, have you and your husband had some couple's counselling? If so did it help at all? I dragged my husband along, he used the session to mention everything that was wrong with me and then he thought we were good with everything!

Sometimes it is difficult for people to understand each others needs. Maybe setting up the table tennis and the dart board may help in many ways.

I'd like to suggest that if you write your husband a letter, maybe write at least two. One where you get all the crap out of your head, the second will be more reasonable and ta third might actually be very heartfelt in a positive and loving manner.

It is tough hearing about our faults and being put down. Can you get to the bottom of what is causing his anger?

Hope you find some answers Nat! I do wish you all the best and hope you find some peace.

Cheers from Dools

[Quercus]

Hi Mrs D,

How are you going with getting your GP to send the referral? I hope it isn't still a struggle.

I like the idea of counselling but hubby wont agree. He came to my psychiatrist once to answer questions to help with being diagnosed with ADHD and it was a major struggle to get him to go even for that.

I have been asking him for ages to see a psychiatrist (his GP says he has severe anxiety and neither the referral or the prescription have been touched).

I think I will eventually be able to convince him to see my psychiatrist (my psychiatrist works in prisons and hubby respects his opinion having worked in compliance fields all his life) and I will find another. But until we have a little money he refuses to do anything.

I know this is where a lot of the anger and worry comes from. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if he was diagnosed with PTSD.

Part of the arguing is not having my opinion matter. I have been worried for so long about his blood pressure, heart rate which skyrockets when stressed and inability to sleep. But nothing I say matters and he says he is stressed because of me.

The reason we work well when I am feeling ok is that we balance eachother. He is responsible and serious and organised and structured and I am hopelessly naieve, glass half full, silly and frivolous. He needs the lightheartedness. But when I'm down he gets angry and frustrated and I get irritated.

Today my meds are working slightly (oh the relief!) and I'm cleaning outside while the tiler works in the house. It will make him happy to come home and see all the chores are done.

Thanks for your reply Mrs D. How are you holding up?

[quirkywords]

Nat

I think couples counselling can work well but it depends if both are willing to be flexible.

tis hard if one person does not think they need help or in my case that one partner thinks the other partner need to be fixed!!

My ex-husband, had been to counselling before he met me so he was ok but all he wanted to talk about was my bipolar not about our relationship so for a few weeks the counsellor and my ex would discuss how terrible I was.

Of course it takes too to tango so once one has a label it is very difficult or it was back then over 25 years ago.

I was moved by your letter to Nat.

I have a short one

Dear Nat,

You and your husband much be exhausted.

Hold onto the good you have.

Work on the things that need improving.

Have some fun!

Your opinion does matter but sometime one may need to present it in a different way.

I admire all you are doing despite your daily struggles.

Quirky

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky 😊

I like your letter a lot! It is amazing to me how people are able to say so much in a few words when I take lots of waffle to get to a point.

It was well worth my effort tidying today. Hubby came home with a cold (and chocolate!) and he was visibly relieved to have no chores to do or tiles to move just to rest and feel better. Best of all... He told me he doesn't want anyone else... Just me and our ferals. ❤

I should print out the 5 love languages and remind myself daily. He shows love and feels loved by acts of service. It felt so good to be able to make him happy.

[quirkywords]

Nat

So glad hubby appreciated your hard work.

It reminds of the way one partner may say the other partner is never home and with the family and that partner says s/he was working hard and making a living for the family. Some people see their worth is by their work and the key is that we appreciate each others work whether it be paid or unpaid .

In my family I am known for my rambling narratives in writing and in talking. I als have been known to waffle here too.

Quirky