Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

So I spoke too soon... she has ended it all now - it’s too hard and doesn’t want to go through this stuff anymore...

a fight came about over sex which is really unusual for us as this is a part of our life that is definatley in sink and never been cause for any grief. The topic doesn’t matter I guess...

ill type more soon. Gotta tears to cry a bit first.

[TheFarSide]

So here I am sitting in a well known sub sandwich Place with my son. I’m feeling absolutely sick to the core of my stomach ... Yes i started this fight but it escalated so rapidly - over something we have never had issue over... I can take responsibility for starting things coz it was me - I know it was and it was a frustrated me at that.

and like a true liptnus test right to the heart of the matter while eating his roll my boy looks me in the eye says: “if you two are going to fight again can you take me back to mums?” I smiled... there was a lot being said in those few words and It really gave me cause for reflection - for many reasons. a lot more than I can detail. It made me really feel an enourmous gammut of emotions...

She has reiterated she is done with us and apart from apologise for where I was out of order there isn’t much I can do.

I’m also reluctant to saying anything to anyone I know because of the ‘boy who cried wolf’ story... people who know me want me out of the relationship but they (like me) are also tired of the roller coaster story too... the emotional bleeding.

She ended the marriage again over this fight yet how many times have I forgiven her for what she has said and done. How many months of the eggshell dance never knowing which woman will be on today.

Initially I was thankful just to get through Christmas without drama. I had even relaxed enough to forget much of the heavy emotional aspect -yes it’s been up and down but at a lesser degree - shed generally been better. Truth is I’d let my guard down.

My sons words above and his look to my eye just hit me in the gut. So... Why am I doing this? Why do I continue in a difficult environment? Why is the immediate answer to difficulty to have to seperate (flight) - Then why stay together. Somewhere inside she must be unhappy and I can’t seem to change anything in my circle of influence to matter much... so is this the best option for the rest of my life? I don’t know...

I am feeling very lost lonely and teary.

my son made comment that I had not eaten today.

[TheFarSide]

I feel very empty and a bit lost now - I don’t feel quite in control of where I am and my own emotions...

I look back at all the times she had asked for forgiveness or said sorry For her actions in the past and I had never once rejected her outright. She had usually come to me sad at what she had done previously and I have always responded to her need for a hug and affection and to enable her to feel part of us again when she said sorry.

I’ve appolgisied for the things that I said that I believe were a bit offhand and out of order but she basically said ‘I hate you’, ‘I’m not a saint’ and ‘you were stupid’ for taking me back.

I am just not sure where I am. Maybe this is the right call and I should just let go...

as usual she has the tv in her area way louder than necessary... its almost as predictable like the cleaning rampages she goes on - maybe they are just ways to dull the thoughts in her head...

[TheFarSide]

The wedding ring is off - not for the first time in our marriage - i guess I look at it as tho it’s just a piece of metal. It doesn’t mean what it should as a symbol so I’ve taken mine off as well. On or off makes no difference.

She has nothing to say to me and is still in the same frame of mind today - it’s all toxic and apparently I am the entire cause. We all have our moments yet in this relationship mine are apparently unforgivable.

Maybe this is just a blessing in disguise.

The house is still on the market. With the coming of the new year people are starting to look again so hopefully it won’t be too long from here. I don’t feel much choice is left and I have endured much over our relationship together. I’m tired.

In this instance love is just not enough and I’d even started to question myself - this I know is part of the BPD experience. Inside myself I do know I’ve been reasonable overall and supportive etc but this moment just had me looking at myself differently. Maybe coz I know it started from my side.

The truth is this stuff is simply just awful to live through on a day to day basis - never knowing which person will be there. Despite that I am scared of being alone - this part is probably what enables my codependency in this relationship.

Is marriage just too hard these days?

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide

I have just caught with your last few posts and I can nearly touch your exhaustion and confusion.

Your son has insights into your relationship. It is hard being in a challenging relationship but living with others who fight can be very uncomfortable.

I really don't have any wise words or helpful suggestions, you have put a lot of energy and time into your relationship.

You have admitted that you started this last incident . I wonder did you hope you would be forgiven as you have often forgive your wife, or did the words come out of your mouth so quickly you had no time to think about the consequence.

From your post you don't seem surprised with her reaction and maybe now are resigned to the future without her.

Is marriage too hard, I am on relationship no 3, so maybe not the person to ask.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

I am truly tired.... did I start something hoping for forgiveness? no... the moment came and words rolled but there wasn’t anything but fact to the conversation - it was just at an angered volume... the topic was sex but the reality is the arguement centred on communication - specifically a lack of it.

regardless of the subject I don’t automatically expect forgiveness however it seems a cruel twist to make this the issue for which no forgiveness can occur. This is what makes me believe that it’s done... she is holding this as the centre of all problems where the only solution is separation.

Regardless of the initial topic that drove the situation I had communicated with her as we had discussed and she ignored me... ignored me multiple times over something that has never been an issue in our relationship... communication was the issue I picked her up on... however - despite some of the vile disgusting things she has done and said this is the situation that will apparently break the camels back... I should be thankful I guess in some part of my mind and heart for closure but I find myself now fuming inside while outside is a calm facade...

This has been a nightmare relationship full of roller coaster days and bitterly worded nights... I am only human and this stuff has reached its zenith for tolerance and this ‘I will make you pay’ rubbish is just the icing on a very sticky gooey cake...

I can can only hope that my words over the last few months can help someone in some way... I read a forum on here from someone who had gone through a relationship just like this and had struggled to get out... they did and I cling to that knowledge and all the others that have walked away from people who prefer toxic interactions to relationships based in trust, decency and respect.

[quirkywords]

Far Side,

Your honesty and your posts will have helped people as many more people read posts than reply.

I have always admired your honesty and determination.

I hope you can find rest and peace and regain your energy .

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

I feel empty and guttered... its affected my son - he doesn't want to be caught in the middle even though he knows none of it is his fault. He has asked to go back to his mums for a bit. I have spoken to his mum - she has been understanding - he'll go back for a break for dinner and a few hours and come back.

This whole situation is just appalling and I hate crying and feeling like this.

There is a tense silence in our house and that's what I think my son is picking up on... so he stays in his room - he has heaps he can do in there but I don't like him feeling stuck there... This is all wrong and I want to be somewhere else - how can someone hide this stuff for the first 12 months and then unleash a world of pain on someone else - its literally cruel to be subjected to such instability and unreasonable hostility.

I am tired of being logical in my approach and hoping for the best... I wouldn't have cared if she said to me 'you were out of order' for what I said - or something like 'your approach was all wrong' or simply 'can we talk about it'.

she claims I hold onto each infraction she's ever done and wont move on even though she's done a couple of counselling sessions. Because I'm still a little bruised she reckons it'll never work coz I cant get past what she has done - all I've asked for is a little time to recover from the world she demonstrated.

Thanks Quirky for your response... there isn't much say... its a bad time with an even badder outcome...

I make her unhappy and she is making me that way too...

If anyone out there has managed to hold a marriage together through BPD (or traits) then my hat goes off to ya - its been a dark path and yes I have made mistakes but nothing on the scale she has gone to... Ive not been so angered with someone ever in my life - she is an impossibility.

[White_Rose]

Hello

I must apologise for not posting here for a few days. Unfortunately I have been unwell, received treatment, started to get well and then the problem re-emerged. Physical problem I add so should have a simple solution which is not working.

Anyway I am feeling heaps better and can answer you. I know only too well how the words you vow never to say can fly out of your mouth without any intention and with disastrous results. Your are so tired and that is obvious from your words. When you are tired I think nothing, or at any rate little, can be done constructively. Staying in the current environment is not helping. Egg shells all round. Is it possible for you to move out for a short time or go away for a couple of days? I'm not certain if this would be good or bad, it's just a thought. I think you do need some rest and maybe it would help your wife.

I am really sorry you have reached this point in your marriage. While my husband did not go to the lengths of your wife and as far as I know did not have BPD or anything of that nature, in the end I could not stay. After 30 years together I had no self confidence and felt I could do nothing without guidance and permission. No idea where I found the strength to leave. That was 18 years ago. It's been a long journey.

I think you may benefit from some professional help. Can you ask your doctor for a referral to someone to at least help you to debrief? I think it is good to be able to let it all out to someone who is not automatically on your side (friends) or against you (her family). And importantly can offer a professional point of view and understanding. I hope we do help you on this forum but maybe you can get more targeted assistance in a face to face discussion. Just a thought. I hope you will also stay and chat here.

Mary

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs , and so so sorry about the latest mate.

And with your son , no need to explain that one it'd be pretty obviously a gut wrenching thing. lve got a daughter and l know it's probably a bit of a cop out but l've never had her around a gf as yet for similar worries , even if just what ifs, l couldn't bare it.

But l still think it might've been lucky she never did meat that gf, she could be so gorgeous, but you just never knew what else might come out either or when. We still talk from time to time and she was saying she wants to grow her hair , l joked try some chicken poop it's great fertilizer which l often stir my daughter with when she's complaining about her hair too. Buttttt, l've committed another crime and she blocked me on everything 5mins later, 2 days ago now never know when she'll show up again, few days probably. But it's always eggshells whenever we talk now she has a hair trigger to end them all, one word , a letter, boom. Facts never worked, actually facts were often turned into another canon

l wish l had some wise words , it's all such a shame can only imagine the heartache in it all with your sitch. l daresay she might be apologizing again within the next few days butt, maybe not.

Have you tried mensline mate , if not for those guys l probably wouldn't have survived my divorce. All free you can call them 11 or 12 at night if you have too.

Anyway , day ata time l guess , take care.

rx