Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks For your reply Mary.

There’s lots to think about including just putting into perspective how I was feeling over the last handful of days. My own feelings weren’t helpful and I think as has been said in previous posts i am just tired of wondering what day it’s gonna be.

At this stage there’s not really any where to escape to. I do have a counselled appointment in 2 weeks - So I’ll have to continue how things are until the house sells - I’m more worried at the moment that I’ll get lumped with 2 properties to financially maintain if I simply move out like I had initially proposed.

My wife was ok yesterday for a chunk of time then we regressed backwards into her finding fault in all I had done and said not talking to each other again. Again it was me that it started from but not with escalating intentions.

My take for now is that she is pushing me away (BPD trait) because in her eyes she can’t make me happy. I could be wrong but the more I tried to communicate with her about what I was feeling the more she then started to turn it back with ‘she can never do anything right’ .

I did accept my fault in the grievance, for starting the initial infraction and appologised for my part - a number of times. It all matters nought of course as I’m now painted as the total emotional villain.

I tried reminding her that we are all human and entitled to make mistakes and that when she has come to me seeking to resolve matters I have never turned her away once (although there have probably been many moments I could’ve and shouldve).

This then became an I hate you tantrum followed by her then casting so many thoughts out from so many different timelines to our lives as to confuse where we were. Even going so far as to say I spend too much time with my son and we go out too much - she says we never do anything all together but then she refuses almost every invitation to do things. The few times she does go with me and my son there is always something my boy does that causes her grief.

I think I first posted here on the 13th November 2018 and I feel there are only glimmers between the rocks - It had also been going on well prior to me searching for a forum to seek for thoughts And feedback. Although I am heavily invested in my wife emotionally I am at a bit of a loss now as to if this should continue. BPD Splitting is just an awful emotional experience to receive. I know there is no right answer or golden advice to this - it’s my call .

[TheFarSide]

Thanks RX for your message

Logic and facts are not your friends unfortunately in these instances. They are almost a hinderance... I am starting to look at me a bit more now - not from the perspective that im too blame for it all or that I feel responsibility for how she is - more so that I am looking at me for why I endure this for so long. It rinses, deep washes , hangs itself out to dry then folds itself up ready for another wear with regular irregularity. The timings are unpredictable but the moods are fairly similar.

Plain and simply the moods are not pleasant ... it’s as simple as that. When she shines she is as good as you can get. When clouds appear best get your raincoat. I do feel that it’s a perfect trap... love and stability for the first 12 months then it’s all over rover and into the tiger woods rough.

So being someone who feels he has a strong footing in being sensible and logical why is it that I continue to wear this stuff as tho I was a personal punching bag... I know if it were my son I’d want him out of that situation yet here I am not living up to my own words. ive often read that being with someone who has BPD traits is very akin to an addiction and can be very difficult to break - the push/pull seems to work with various elements in the non BPD and that is made worse where codependency is also an element.

The reality is I’m faced with 2 choices - wake up to myself and leave/discontinue the relationship or hope for the best/grin and wear it (hoping that further therapy helps)... that’s it... no matter how you slice it... for now it would seem that despite what I had thought previously my son is quite safe and comfortable in his own skin and does not see her in a bad way... that’s at least some comfort as a parent and does buy me a little time.

time to think.

[Guest_1584]

Eh fs , and sorry again of the patch up then hack sitch

l'm fairky dyslexic to btw too so although l've got the hang of this forum now things might not always ahhhh, line up so to speak, but don't worry about it. Anyway , nope l don't think it's anything codependent at all ease up on you man. You married her as you knew and loved her. Of course your doing everything you can to save it and persist anyone would be. So great btw too that your son and his smarts and good nature help him through this, you must be so proud of him mate. l did try to prepare my daughter for when they were suppose to meet , explaining my gf did have some troubles and should anything come out try not to take it to heart or worry. Although they never did meet, she was prepared though and very open and excepting about it so l just prayed all would be well

Tbh , l can't say my gf was bpd but at times she ticked most of the boxes others only some and caused me enough grief that l found and spoke to people in the know and l found some great stuff l wish l still had the links too. But two in particular , a now friend who's sister is bpd and married , and a married guy and his wife is bpd. They both said firmness was a huge key and not taking the shyt , just like you wouldn't from a 3yr old, but it's tricky to explain and you'd need to read it yourself , and there was a lot more to it too. Like reassurance that you won't leave and things like that. But as you say , that was turned around on you and it was me too mine pretty well made it my weakness actually so it's defiantly and art form all it's own. But if you google say married to a bpd wife, pretty sure stuff l found will come up somewhere and you could find some good help in there with some digging. Most of the stuff l found hadn't had much success and l tried to just focus on the few l found that did.

Never know , ya cxould find something helpful.

Best of luck. rx

[TheFarSide]

So time for a bit of refelection of the relationship;

The First 12 months with her as my partner/girlfriend were idealic in most ways - while there were a couple of moments where I thought her reactions were a little over the top with anger (both from the point of view of needing to get angry and then the length of time it took to calm down) these instances were far and few between. It was a very loving and close time.

The day we got married there was a change in how she was and the latter commentary above about anger and reactions seem to swap places with the love and good times... The rocky road has been punctuated with moments without infraction since getting married but often it’s not consistent enough to catch much of a breath.

I’m not innocent or without fault to it all - I’ve made mistakes especially when I didn’t know what the hell was going on in the early stages - but that said I know the vast majority of these issues have come in one form or another from my wife - it’s how she sees the world, other people, her own insecurities and what the BPD traits do naturally.

For me - I had married her based on what I knew and how she was and unfortunately this person has really changed into someone else. I know People do change naturally over time so I didnt expect the honeymoon to last forever. As a partner I also believe I have provided as much of a supportive backdrop as a human being can (again keeping in mind we are all fallable). I’d love for her to be in a better space. I’d love for her to view things with some positive eyes.

Over recent weeks ish she had sought counselling (who seemed to be on the money for my wife) and those weeks were really quite good however since Xmas she has not continued that and has fallen backup old behaviours. This has opened my eyes that any treatment is certainly not going to be an immediate cure - nor may it provide ongoing or even permanent relief. The more I read I think she is not full blown BPD but has a number of traits that are ingrained and long term. So it is a tough choice - to stay with someone you love who no longer is the person you married, who hurts herself and those around her frequently or to seperate/move away which has immediate health benefits for me and my son but would be chaotic for my emotions for some time.

It’s almost ludicrous that I find myself in this dilemma.

[White_Rose]

Hello FS

What a horrible dilemma to have. I am so pleased to know you still love your wife as I see so many marriages turn into loveless relationships. It is the driving force behind how we act and what we do for each other. I don't mean the general sort of love we have for others. I mean the person who has become your partner in all ways.

I think I suggested in an earlier post that it may benefit you to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist a few times. Speaking to your wife's counsellor of course is not a good thing as he/she cannot tell you anything because of confidentiality. Ask your GP to recommend someone. You will need a referral or a mental health plan.

You write here very openly and I thank you for your trust. As a mental health professional your Psych would have a greater knowledge of BPD and be able to help you find solutions on a day to day basis. They will not tell you what although sometimes there are suggestions. What they do is help you sort out ways and means of living and also help you to decide whether to go or stay.

I know at heart you do not want to leave your wife and at the same feel you cannot manage any more. In a different situation I have felt I could not go on and needed the help of a psych to look at what was happening, how I reacted, what had I tried. In a safe environment it is much easier to relax and get down to business. We are happy to support you for as long as you want, but our resources or knowledge is not as good as an expert.

Mary

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the reply Mary.

She has agreed to and set a date for further counselling.

I also have counselling coming up.

My wife is aware of the moments or episodes (despite not necessarily remembering all that happens) and knows at least that this isn’t a healthy way to be.

Basically when a moment comes it simply turns off the internal healthy monologue we all have in our heads and she acts out in some destructive ways.

Admitedly I’ve been doing a little bit more of the ‘this behaviour isn’t acceptable and we will discuss matters when you can respect this space” type of situational handling. using a firm hand as it were.

I don’t think any one tactic I’ve used so far works every time this happens but this time it seemed to bring about a close to this last run of things.

There is positive to take despite the emotional upheaval - but I won’t suggest for a moment this won’t repeat...

While I have spoken about how damaging she is in her moments, she is also incredibly loving and caring as a partner outside of when the traits are at the fore. For the most part in these non trait moments we are very much in sync and tune with each other and I could not imagine being away from her.

The close moments we have don’t feel over inflated as such - however by contrast the devaluing that comes when she changes does feel very BPD in style.

That’s it for now. I’ll see what the counselling and other self help work she does brings to our relationship.

[TheFarSide]

Life has continued somewhat unchanged - mainly in silence.

The few times I’ve tried to just have a low key conversation with her over recent days has been met with defensiveness and then shutting down.

I did get frustrated and raised my voice a bit - she just was so unresponsive to being able to discuss anything.

Remarkably she hasn’t taken her wedding ring off (although things could’ve changed by the time I get home). We still occupy the same bed although there is no closeness on any level.

I did say to her last time there was difficulty that if she took her ring off that I would assume she wanted it done and I would act accordingly.

It’s a minor positive but really a ring not coming off shouldn’t be something I see as a positive act in any relationship. Think I’m just looking for positives in what’s left.

I do have my sense of humour though and my self confidence - despite the devaluing that has occurred along the way I know overall that she hasn’t shaken me down.

I do think atm I am just a bit over the drama tho - be nice to just have a peaceful life.

[TheFarSide]

It is Still all quiet between us. Just the moments of ‘would you like a coffee’ or ‘I am leaving now’ to punctuate the silence - at least it’s not battlelines although there is still tension being delivered through those few words.

For the rest we don’t share the same space while we are awake on the same house - generally she puts a pillow between us now when we sleep. Strange thing to do as an emotional statement given we have alternatives available for sleeping arrangements.

All that said The time out has given me time to not just reflect on how and who we are and what we’ve become - but to also write down a sort of historical emotional checklist of this relationship. The list is huge - full of both good and not so good things and the list is not yet at completion. I’ve looked at both of us but primarily focused on what ways, what actions and what effects the relationship has had that has shaped where I am.

Ive also read more stories and forums to gauge both how people deal with things. I’ve also read about how people have left their own situations what their views on it all are.

Taking the time to see how all the behaviours and traits have played out to everyone in the house has been somewhat enlightening.

Despite the possibility that I could’ve lost a lot of ‘me’ over the last year if I had allowed everything to get on top of me - I am thankful that I still have my sense of self worth, my sons health and happiness, my friends, a supportive employer and my activities external to this relationship. Apart from my boy - much of the above she has chosen to have virtually no involvement in - other than to devalue my connections to them when she has had event peripheral contact.

Probably all things considered her lack of involvement in my life external to us has been a small blessing...

at the end of the day where does all that leave us... while I can’t speak for her in that way I know I am just flat - I am not deflated...

We all want someone to be close to - it’s human to seek that bond. At the moment I’m not missing ‘us’.

I will keep posting for now. One of the things I have found helpful during all this is to read forums to hear and see how others have dealt with situations - good and bad.

[quirkywords]

TheFarSide,

Thanks for keeping us up to date with you very will written and detailed posts.

It is interesting that you have written an historical emotional checklist of your relationship.

I see your posts here as an emotional diary and can see changes from your first posts to now as you gain more knowledge and insights in to what has happened in your relationship.

Just as you have found it helpful reading other posts and forums people will have gained from reading your posts.

I wonder what is the most important thing you have learnt from your from your experience and your reflection on your relationship? I realise that may be hard to limit it to one .

Your posts are honest and revealing and offer insights into all relationships.

I appreciate your ability to share your emotions even when at your most vulnerable..

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks quirky for your message - I know to anyone reading this it may appear in some aspects to be disjointed and circular in nature.

During the week she once again asked for forgiveness... just via text - stating she knows she needs to work on herself and could I give her more chance to fix things up.

Within days she was back to not showing any affection and imposing her brand of silent treatment and keeping distant.

No surprise the difficulties once again resume now my son is here for the weekend - I’ve started to do a midweek activity with him now and this has created further issue for my wife - the money (she has issue coz I pay child support so my ex should pay for everything else my sone does), the time, the attention etc etc.

‘The latest issue was sparked by a blocked drain in the shower. After about an hour of plunger and chemical work by me the blockage come out - in amongst the debri was a mat of dog hair. She showers the dogs we have weekly in our shower. I suggested that maybe she might need to consider an alternative approach and that was it - suddenly every remote comment I’d ever made was being thrown at me - “you’re so controlling, now you won’t let me shower the dogs, yada yada, this is how you manipulate people’”... if it weren’t so nasty or ridiculous it would’ve been comical.

Admittedly my own level of tolerance just isn’t what it once was and I let fire with suitable responses - she seemed to just allow this to fly and then said I was the ‘crazy’ one. Now we are back to probably what is now the norm of our relationship - at odds, fighting or in silence punctuated by moments of peace.

It certainly appears that she has no self esteem or self confidence and she takes slight at anything said regardless of how innocuous the comment is. Virtually anything I say feels like it will be taken as an ofront to her - I am glad that I get along with her 2 daughters outside this relationship because it has provided me with a sense of balance and perspective about what my actual contribution to her state of being is.

It feels like she has been moving further away from me emotionally - anyone who has been in a relationship that has broken up has probably sensed those moments where lots of little changes have added up to a bigger picture - they can be really subtle such as no longer sharing the same Tv show, Sitting near each other but not touching, having time to respond to other people but not your partner and so on.

I just want out.