Imprisoned Families

[mtc]

I’m from the USA originally and started a life in AU over a decade ago. While I have been here, my sister’s son started to experience paranoid schizophrenia and sadly killed someone. He should be in prison, he was guilty, he needs medical treatment and should be under the care of a psychiatrist his entire life. He went into prison at 20, will be in prison for 45 years, we’ll all be dead by the time he gets out, so that means the remainder of my sister’s life is essentially over (for any mother who has a son in prison knows this). She’s not the strong type to move on (the guilt, the sense of failure, the anxiety of going out - it was in the news, the removal of any social media, the hiding, the complete identity change). Aside from that, how do families “move on?” Prison doesn’t just take the offender, it takes the entire family. Those who don’t want to be taken, leave the family, as in you never hear from them again (it’s like they died). The ones who comfort the mother, they walk the line of staying in prison with her. She never moves on. She would be happier if everyone in the family wrote to him or kept in touch somehow but because everyone has walked away, she feels compelled to remain for the daily phone call and can never move on. I don’t think my family can cope with 45 years, the remainder of our lives like this. My sister has tried to kill herself once, she’s turned to religion, as you do when you can’t find answers or others like you. I never cared about prisoners, prisons, any of that…until it came my way. I’ve never thought about what prison is there for and how it is supposed to “rehabilitate.” I presume just like his victim’s family will suffer generations, we shall as well and that’s the point of prison. It’s just insane, I can’t even explain the challenge of your soul to try to survive it.

 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

As a former corrections/Prison officer some 47 years ago and working also in quasi law enforcement jobs I know the system well. It is a bit more complex that how you posted the jail system to be.

The main reasons for the jail system existing is

• there has not been a better system that has come along to replace it
• the deterrent effect is significant for many "I wont commit that crime as I'll lose my life in jail and hurt my family"

But it is flawed system. If your nephew was recognised as having a sever schizophrenic problem (as he should have) then he'd still be imprisoned though in a mental health facility which is a more relaxed version of a jail, but still jail. The reason he is separated from society is the risk of his crime repeating and the other reasons I highlighted.

You are correct, the family is also imprisoned in a way. But they have the freedom of altering their lives to accommodate their sons needs to the best of their ability. I would strongly suggest them immersing themselves into a full and productive life however they go about it. Hobbies, interests and voluntary work all can play a part of reducing that feeling of restriction. An idle mind is a troubled one. They should remember that they didnt commit the crime and are victims of it but if they grieve forever then they remain a victim.

This is not much different to those (like myself) that have estranged children for whatever reason. You could be the most innocent parent that has been the victim of the other parents emotional blackmail/influence of the child and the child believes what they say, the result is you have a child alive but doesnt contact you. My grief over my youngest daughter goes on and on. I've had to get on with my life and accept she wont ever walk up my driveway. It's tough and common. My eldest came to live with me at 12yo form then on my ex continually convinced my youngest that I was evil so she wouldnt lose her too. There is no crime for my ex's methods.

Back to your sister- like me she isnt the "strong type", so this process isnt easy. As some say "we all have to carry our own cross" and there is truth to that but as a sister you can influence her to a degree. When she discusses the topic of her son put a cap on the time, eg 2 minutes. Then subtly change the topic "so how's your pursuit of voluntary work going"?

I hope I havent come across too blunt, it isnt the intent. I too have made an attempt on my life one week before leaving the family home and losing my full time fatherhood through abuse from my ex. But a week later I decided to find the strength to be the best part time father ever and succeeded as my eldest reminds me. It does mean making the best out of a very bad situation. 

All the best to your sister and as a sister you are wonderful

TonyWK