When everyday life becomes a struggle

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and feel like I have nowhere else to turn. I am 39, female, have been single for most of my life and have recently had what I can only describe as a falling out with my 2 closest friends.

I have been battling feelings of incredible loneliness for a few years now and generally am able to push through my struggles of sadness, anxiety and loneliness to function quite normally. But this year has been awful, I was so happy, had met a new man and had a great circle of friends at the beginning of the year and all have degraded to the point where I feel like I have no one and nothing.

This is now impacting all areas of my life. My work performance has suffered, I have zero motivation to get up and exercise and even leaving the house has become difficult. I feel invisible, like no one cares about me. Because I’ve previously had such an active social life, am adventurous and travel and get out there, everyone assumes that this is still the case. I feel like I have no one to talk to, to open up to, especially due to the loss of my 2 closest friendships in the last month.

I have made my first counselling appointment for Monday but feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown because I have taken that first step in admitting I need help.

How do I get back to the fun loving, carefree person I once was? I feel so alone and this is impacting my ability to put myself out there, even in social circles I once felt comfortable with. How do I meet new people, create meaningful connections and have people in my life I can count on? I feel so lost, am constantly crying and suffering headaches and stomach issues due to the stress of this.

Thank you for reading and I welcome any assistance or advice you can offer.

[Feeling_Lonely]

We’ve all gotta have hope and keep on trying I guess. It’s just that some days are a lot harder than others.

It was a great relationship, I actually thought I had finally met someone that I could connect with emotionally, mentally and physically and truly believed we had a future together. We had lots of common interests and had fun together. I went on an overseas holiday for about a month with friends (one of their 40th’s) and when I came home he ended it, without any real explanation. This is why I have found it difficult to process and accept. I mean, I accept that it is over but I don’t understand it. And because I am still constantly trying to figure it out and understand why it has caused me so much anguish. And of course me feeling inadequate and like there must be something wrong with me.

I know I deserve someone who will love, value and respect me and he obviously isn’t that person, but I still feel so connected to him. I don’t know why I keep punishing myself over this. It ended 8 months ago and I am still trying to figure it out 😞

I also know that all of the above is holding me back from moving forward if that makes sense, yet I’m still holding on to some kind of false hope he will come back.

Even as I type this out I realise how messed up I sound, like just get over it already, right? But for whatever reason I haven’t been able to. Then I get frustrated with myself for still feeling how I feel. Argh! I’m so messed up!

That on top of my messed up family life, my two closest friends walking out on me and probably feeling some pressure about turning 40, I really hit rock bottom about 4-5 months ago. I am in a much better place than I was back then, but still feel pretty low most of the time. Counselling has brought up a lot of unresolved issues from my childhood which made me feel like I’d gone even further backwards, but I’m working through that, have confronted and confided with my parents and we are resolving those issues. I guess I’m a work in progress and hope to continue moving forward and on with my life. It would be so nice to feel like I have someone to rely upon, who has my back, but I have to do this on my own I guess.

[Guest_1584]

Hi ya FL.

l'm sorry about where your at and although you mightn't think so bc l was married and the later a gf, l can relate very much to things you saying and whatever my past or different from yours, l'm pretty much in the same place anyway.

gf and l ended in disaster , the new town l moved to to be close to my daughter hates me, the town that is, struggled to get back on my feet and buy a house of my own in that town , don't like it and the only two sisters in my family l thought were in my corner have turned into just lies and bs. So l sorta feel where your at .

So much time alone lately and seems no one that gives a damn, pasts to think about and wonder what if's . Wondering to how to get out there again , l don't like living this alone life much either, l don't like friends laid on and at the door 24 7 but l and a partner person, and yep you bet that someone in my corner has my back.

Weird isn't it how others seem to land on their feet , like ex's ,no matter what they did, can't work that out in the fairness of it all and life.

l've had some great time at the beach too and l'm really glad you enjoyed yours. Feels weird doesn't it but it does help, one thing l notice to is there's usually lots of other people on their own too so you don't feel like such a freak do ya.

Being male l suppose we have different ways and places in getting out there nut hey l'll stuck around keeping me ete out for any tips right, haha.

l work on my own too so l try to get out even for lunch in one of the other towns and get up to the main as often as l feel like the drive to be around people and shops and life.

The date sites are pretty scary but l've met some nice women on it , just no one that hits the spot though but if your game , yaknow, ya could give one a go. Most peorple seem to complain about burn out in the end but l've heard of a few that have found someone spesh.

You take care ok , and l know everyone here will be around to support.

all the best. rx.

[Feeling_Lonely]

Thanks for your message randomx, I can definitely relate to where you’re at. I just wish there was a way to know it will all turn out okay. I guess that’s what “hope” is, but it doesn’t provide certainty.

I try so hard to be a good person, I work hard, I treat everyone with respect and kindness, I volunteer, I do anything for anyone, I always help people (whether I know them or not) and it’s gotten me nowhere. I wish I knew how to be a harder person so I wouldn’t get taken advantage of or not to feel things as much as I do. I guess I’m just a sensitive soul who cares more about others than myself. I know I need to learn how to put myself and my needs first. I just don’t know how yet. And unfortunately being selfish doesn’t make me feel less lonely.

Ive been on dating sites in the past and am really yet to find any kind of meaningful connection. Some men are really disrespectful and others just out to play games to boost their ego, I never seem to cross paths with someone looking for a genuine connection. I will get back there, just feeling too vulnerable to deal with the mind games and potential rejection right now is all. I don’t want to make myself feel worse and go backwards with my progress. Plus I know I’m not in a positive headspace which isn’t really attractive right now.

I wish life came with one of those memory erasers like out of the movie Men In Black. It would be so much easier just to forget you ever knew someone than deal with the pain you feel from having had them in your life. Or I wish my mind was stronger just to block them out. I try, but I’m failing so far. But tomorrow is a new day I guess, gotta keep on hoping and trying for a better, happier life.

[Guest_1584]

Hi fl.

Do l hear you , yep , sure do. Don't mind my typo's btw , l'm fairly dyslexic and can't see them until later. But l hear exactly what your sayin. lf only we knew it was all gonna work out.

l go on feelings a lot and l've usually known my whole life , l can still know with other people but l just can't read myself lately , it's all too jumbled . l need to be clear to feel it. But l do the cards too and somehow among all the mess , l'm still getting really good hands , so l dunno , meanwhile life is total shyt so maybe my cards are as off as my head right now so l can't even rely on them anymore.

But it's the same thing as you say , if only we knew it was all gonna be ok, some light, l know.

lt's hard being a good person too, yep, some get away with it , but like you l'm not one of them. Truth is l'l do anything for friend or love , but l've learned people just don't operate like that, maybe they never did l'm just slower at catching on , dunno. l don't like it but l have to be tough on myself these days because l know mostly , people are people, don't even bother getting my hopes up.

Yeah , l hear you with the date site thing , don't worry it's just as bad for guys. So many of the women are just too messed up to even be out there. A lot of them are only on there to get the ego stroked , others say they want this and want that but they in no condition and have so many issues , then they insist on no baggage, but they don't even see their own baggage and trust issues and self sabotaging, or me me me attitudes . Not saying it's the place to be but more it's just something , somewhere to at least maybe mingle a bit or keep the eye out for that someone spesh, on the very one in a million off chance. l'd take RL any day myself but l'm not really getting out that much in any social way lately to meet someone. l actually found someone just a few weeks ago on that damn date site , l was really into. lt hasn't been very long , 4mths , since gf, but we were on off a lot so l dunno, but anyway l was only browsing really. when l came across her. She has so many trust issues though , again, l just can't deal with them right now so that's a fizzer.

Then ya think don't you , well just let it roll , see what happens , but that's not always easy is it , we worry it needs that nudge and won't just happen on it's own these days. Maybe a happier life comes along.

Haha yeah , give me the memory eraser to eh. Better give me a life manual to l think huh.

[Feeling_Lonely]

Haha yeah, I’m sure that both men and women share the same frustrations when it comes to dating sites. I’d much prefer to meet someone organically in real life, but everyone seems so disconnected in real life... they’re always looking into their phones, headphones in, etc.

I guess too, being the age I am, it’s more difficult. Most people have settled down and had their families now. It used be way easier to meet people 15-20 years ago than now.

I just need to get out of my own head about it. I was actually really happy being single till I met my ex. He really blew my mind and I was certain it was going to work out. Well yeah, that blew up in my face and now I’m left a tattered mess. I’ve lost that strong, independent woman I was before I met him and now I feel like an insecure, worthless piece of sh*t! I know I’m definitely not going to attract anyone feeling the way I do.

I’m working so hard on improving myself, but I feel like it’s one step forwards, two steps back at the moment. What I want more than anything is for him to come back and tell me he made a mistake but it is never going to happen and I need to figure out a way to forget him and let go of this false hope I have. Wish my brain would put as much energy into hoping to meet someone new rather than holding onto such an unrealistic thought!! It’s funny how our minds work sometimes. I need to find a way to make my mind work for me, not against me like it currently is.

Anyway, that’s my rant for the day!!

I know what you mean too about not feeling social. I’m like that a lot now too, where I used to be really outgoing. Now I just want to hide myself away from the world, feeling like I have nothing to offer. Who knew life could be so hard hey?

[Doolhof]

Hi Feeling Lonely, Randomx and All,

Checking out a dating site is something I have never done, guess I shouldn't even be considering it as I am married and have been for decades.

One thing about loneliness is that it can happen in relationships as well.

Over the years I have learnt that my husband can not provide all the love, care, attention, closeness & friendship that I desire. I need to find a lot of those things in activities and happenings I do for myself.

Having Borderline Personality Disorder and depression doesn't exactly help either when it comes to relationships and being close to people.

When relationships don't go well, the disappointment, pain, hurt, feelings of rejection and what ever else happens can feel devastating. It can be hard to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start again, but that it what we need to do unless we want to sit in a mud puddle for a while.

I too like the idea of the stick zappy thing to erase memory! Sometimes my mind does a good enough job with that anyway...if only it was the negative memories that disappeared!

Cheers to you all, from Dools

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hey Dools,

Happy Friday! How are you doing? I’m going okay today... so far 🙂

I totally understand that it can be lonely when you’re with someone too. This is why I’m trying so hard to rebuild myself and find that inner peace and happiness within myself before I even consider dating. From all the research I’ve done (I tend to do a lot of self-help reading) it all says the same thing. Happiness isn’t something that someone else can give you, it doesn’t come from external factors. Yeah sure, there are things that give you temporary pleasure (seeing a friend, eating ice cream, whatever it may be) but it will only give you a temporary feeling of happiness if there are still underlying issues with you to resolve.

I think what I’m finding so frustrating is that I will have really good days, where I’m filled with self love, positivity and hope... but then it can come crashing down around me so quickly and nothing seems to trigger it. Like I will just end up a crying mess. And not just a few tears, like uncontrollable grief stricken floods of tears because I feel so unlovable, alone and like no one cares. I also know that is not reality and is a reflection of my depression. When it comes on though, it is so overwhelming and consuming, it’s almost paralysing like I can’t physically or mentally function. That is what I have the issue with, how I can overcome those negative thoughts that spiral out of control very, VERY quickly! That’s when I wish I could somehow just turn my brain off from having any thoughts!! If you’ve got any suggestions for overcoming negative thoughts, I’d love to hear them.

Have a great Friday! 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi FL,

I'm having some really negative thoughts right now and they are all to do with the barking dog next door! I'm trying not to entertain those thoughts, I'm fluctuating between winning over my thoughts and quickly becoming frustrated by them.

Yes, I can hear the dog barking, she is very annoying and grating on my nerves and starting to drive me nuts! I could shut all the doors and windows that I have opened to cool and freshen the house. I could put on a radio or put in ear plugs. Part of me tells me I shouldn't need to do any of that as the neighbour should shut their dog up.

My thoughts can quickly escalate to something really horrible. I awoke this morning feeling very depressed for no other reason than waking up! Now the dog is barking. I can think my whole day is going to be a disaster. I could go to bed right now crying and feel defeated or I could try to accept I feel this way, realise I don't want to waste this day feeling so horrible so will do something about it.

I have just put on a CD to listen to. Sometimes it is not easy to find an instant solution. We may have to try and consider different options when we start to feel ourselves going down hill rapidly. We need to find a way to put a brake on so to speak.

Another thought, "Do we always have to be happy?" In reality, who is happy every moment of every day? Maybe if we accept there are times when we are going feeling lousy, than we won't exaggerate them so much, accept them more easily and move on to a better feeling.

I'm trying to tell my brain to stop with all the crap, to change the channel, to think more helpfully and accurately and to accept the negative thoughts as being there, as being a glitch in the system that can be rectified.

Adding "positive feeling" actions like holding your head high, smiling to yourself, giving yourself a hug, a few deep breaths all of this can help too.

Maybe trying this at home might be a good idea unless you want people looking at you like you are a looney! Ha. Ha. Isn't it weird how we accept people showing some emotions but not others! We humans are weird!

Cheers to you and all from Dools

[Feeling_Lonely]

Ah Dools, you always bring a smile to my face.

I do understand and accept the sad feelings and totally get what you’re saying about expecting to be happy at every minute of every day is not very realistic. It’s just that sometimes those sad and negative feelings are so overpowering, so consuming. I do let myself fall in a heap, to cry, to be sad and try to do so without judgement of myself. It’s just tiring though, going through all of that. It would be nice to have better control over my emotions I guess and for it not to feel like such a battle in my head.

I’ve had my parents here again this weekend and have been able to talk more about childhood issues and how they impacted me and still impact me to this day. Whilst it is healthy for me to finally talk about these things 26 years later, I don’t feel like it’s good for my parents. They openly said they feel like they are to blame and I don’t believe that at all. Sh*t happens right? We can’t change the past. I guess I’ve always been too scared to confront the topic with them because of what happened back then - nothing was ever spoken about because it ended in alcoholism, violence and emotional abuse.

Anyway, I digress. It was very nice to have company this weekend and to not feel so alone. And as hard and uncomfortable as those conversations were, I think it is having a positive effect on me (even though I’m now worried about my parents). So right now, I’m feeling okay about my progress and where I’m at. Yay! 🙂

I hope that dog has finally stopped barking for you. Have a great Sunday!

[Guest_1584]

ahh fl , big huggems.

we're the same as we were , you are l am. it's still in there so you don't worry yourself ok. sure we're older and a bit messy between the ears right now , but the same fl is still in there, don't worry. no need to worry or force her , she'll reappear when she feels upto it .

listen to me will ya , anyone would think l know what l'm talking about right. what a joke.

but eh , just so happens l do and from experience , well with me anyway. what you gotta do is try to relaz on it all and just be and live fore you right now , ok. you can lounge around in house cloths and moan away all week end , watching tv like a couch potato , that's ok , l did 3yrs of it , it's recuperating , healing , time. Your still in there and you'll be back.

but yeah , l hear you with the ex. og man , it's been such a huge few days emotionally for me and in my case , my ex is really who l want , and unfortunately she's the only one l want. well she had some stuff , and it caused a lot of things , but l got a letter from her and valentines card and l'm so screwed all over again, l loved it so much and she explained everything.

l don't know what's gonna happen from here but life and things can change in a second as we know, but don't worry. maybe ex, maybe someone new , or maybe life itself , who knows. you just try not to worry and live what you need , things will find you when it's time if your good to you.

hope your doin ok and had a nice slack wkend,

rx