When everyday life becomes a struggle

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and feel like I have nowhere else to turn. I am 39, female, have been single for most of my life and have recently had what I can only describe as a falling out with my 2 closest friends.

I have been battling feelings of incredible loneliness for a few years now and generally am able to push through my struggles of sadness, anxiety and loneliness to function quite normally. But this year has been awful, I was so happy, had met a new man and had a great circle of friends at the beginning of the year and all have degraded to the point where I feel like I have no one and nothing.

This is now impacting all areas of my life. My work performance has suffered, I have zero motivation to get up and exercise and even leaving the house has become difficult. I feel invisible, like no one cares about me. Because I’ve previously had such an active social life, am adventurous and travel and get out there, everyone assumes that this is still the case. I feel like I have no one to talk to, to open up to, especially due to the loss of my 2 closest friendships in the last month.

I have made my first counselling appointment for Monday but feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown because I have taken that first step in admitting I need help.

How do I get back to the fun loving, carefree person I once was? I feel so alone and this is impacting my ability to put myself out there, even in social circles I once felt comfortable with. How do I meet new people, create meaningful connections and have people in my life I can count on? I feel so lost, am constantly crying and suffering headaches and stomach issues due to the stress of this.

Thank you for reading and I welcome any assistance or advice you can offer.

[Doolhof]

Hi FL,

Unfortunately for some of us, the easy road does not come easy!

It certainly sounds like you are doing so much already to help yourself. I certainly congratulate you on that.

I know those feelings all too well of wishing life was different. I'm having quite the struggle myself at present and I dislike it immensely!

Today I am going to push myself to make it to the Op Shop where I do my volunteering once a week. I had two things I was meant to attend yesterday but stayed home instead. Hopefully today I will get in the car and drive to where I need to be!

It is wonderful you feel supported here. I am certainly amazed and feel blessed by all the care and concern people here can show for each other.

Hope you have an okay kind of day!

Cheers from Dools

[Feeling_Lonely]

This is definitely a beaut little community. I read here multiple times a day but haven’t really felt like posting.

The silly thing is, I have so much good in my life, I know I do and I’ve worked hard for what I have. But I feel so overwhelmed and consumed by the negative stuff. The loneliness. Feeling unlovable. Feeling unloved. Feeling sad.

I know I need to make myself happy and can’t expect another person to fill that void, but it would just be nice to have someone to share the load with. To talk to of an evening. To work through problems.

I do want to start dating again but I feel so vulnerable at the moment. I always seem to be the giver in a relationship (not that I’ve had many) and get taken advantage of. Not in an overbearing way, just organising dates or weekends away, etc. Then I feel so deeply hurt and like a failure because it never works out. Then it takes me forever to get over it because I can’t stop questioning, “why not me?” The ex boyfriends seem to find themselves new girlfriends and it always works out, so again I’m left thinking that there has to be something wrong with me. There must be. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

I don’t know what is worse - dealing with the loneliness or dealing with the pain of failed relationships.

i hope you made it to your volunteering work 🙂

Have a great Friday!

[Doolhof]

Hi Feeling Lonely,

I've had a few rough days emotionally and with physical pain. Not been all that happy and cheerful! Ha. Ha. I did manage to make it to the Op Shop on Thursday and enjoyed myself for most of the time I was there.

There were a few occasions when I want to run out of there due to depression and cry, then managed to engage in a conversation with some and beat the urge to run away.

Relationships can take a lot of work! I am sorry to read you have put in so much effort in the past for things to not work out in the end. I have learnt with my husband to not try so hard and not be so disappointed when stuff doesn't go as I had hoped.

I try to set realistic goals and try to make life better for myself. If my husband is involved, that is a bonus, but not always necessary.

I often find friends and family are more supportive than my husband is, he just can't be all the things I think he should be.

Are there groups or activities you can join in that you like to meet more people? It isn't always easy to put yourself out there. The thing for me is to just be myself! I can't be anyone else. I could pretend, but that is just hard work!

So FL, have a look around and see what things/groups/activities you might be able to participate in to meet new people.

We all need to feel connected!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Feeling_Lonely]

Thanks Dools. I’m glad to hear you made it to the op shop and that it was a good day, despite a few bumps along the way.

I am currently exploring apps like meetup to meet new people at the moment. I had lunch with some new girls last weekend which was nice. There are a few other plans coming up so it is good to have things to look forward to. It is extremely challenging to put myself out there at the moment because I’m not feeling as confident as I once was, but I am still trying and pushing myself. I get major anxiety over it, but generally feel good afterwards and look back thinking I had nothing to worry about.

Hopefully I will make new connections and friends and it will help to build my confidence too and to feel like I have something to offer / am valued.

Ive had quite a good weekend emotionally so I’m hoping this continues. Sometimes it’s like every time I make progress I end up crashing and feeling worse. I am keeping up all of the positive mindset activities I do and trying to be healthy and get more sleep.

I got to the beach this weekend which always puts my mind at ease. How has your weekend been?

[Doolhof]

Hi FL,

My short term memory is so poor I can't even remember what I did on Saturday! Ha. Ha. I do recall asking my husband in the evening what he had for lunch at work that day, only for him to tell me he had arrived home early and I had made our lunch!

So I guess as I don't remember anything negative, it must have been a good day. Sunday I attended Church and had a chat with a few people during morning tea and helped with the dishes after.

As the afternoon was not blazing hot, I spent some time wandering around in the garden and started to pick up sticks from under the gum trees ready for our winter fires.

In the evening we watched some of the Winter Olympics and I did some crocheting as well.

I've heard of "Meet Up" groups, an older lady I know in her late 70s goes to several different Meet Up events and really enjoys herself.

I have borrowed a book from the library called "I love me" with a heart as the LOVE word. It is about the science of self-love by David R. Hamilton. Apparently he has written other books as well. I am making notes from this one and find some of his suggestions and strategies very interesting and beneficial.

If you do have a bit of a crash, it is then time to pick yourself up, dust your self off and try again. I tell myself that. No point giving up, where would I be then!

It is wonderful you were able to make it to the beach, that is one of my peaceful places!

Hope your week starts off well, leave the house with a spring in your step, your head help high and a smile on your face!

Cheers from Dools

[Feeling_Lonely]

It is always so refreshing hearing from you Dools.

I have to say the effects of spending 3 days at the beach have really helped my mental state this week. I have been feeling fairly good and positive and my motivation for life in general has been better. I hope this feeling continues.

Of course I still am lonely and crave that special bond but I know I am working towards being the best version of myself so that I can then seek it. We have to be hopeful about the future.

My work has picked up so at least my mind is occupied during the day. I find it hard coming home to a lonely, empty house every night. I have activities that I go to like yoga, but the house is still empty when I’m home. That is always my hardest time. It’s funny how I used to crave being home alone with nothing to do and now it almost terrifies me.

How are you finding the book you’re reading? If you’ve found it useful and practical I might see if I can find a copy.

Have a great week Dools 🙂

[Birdy77]

Dear FL and Dools ❤

i find both of you so refreshing and positive wherever i encounter you around the forums. You both have this "can do" attitude when you're supporting others. I know in the quietness of solitude it can feel very different but i wanted to say i admire you both in your ability to lift those around you.

Sorry i haven't been here to support much the last few weeks, I've been struggling. I am so impressed FL with you trying the MeetUp app thing, do you feel that you may make some lasting connections with that, or too early to tell?

I've kinda isolated myself a bit lately (last couple of years) with the friend scene. I'm similar age to you FL (except I've already recently migrated to the famous next age bracket! With requisite crisis), and i do have my lovely partner, but if i didn't have her, I'd be screwed, socially. So i understand the difficulties of finding meaningful connections and it seems to get harder the older we get. That's my experience anyway.

Not sure what point i am making here. Probably nothing too coherent, but i just wanted to offer my support to you again, and apologise for not being consistent, my brother passed away suddenly and I've retreated into my shell.

Dools, that book sounds interesting. Im reading "the self-acceptance project", which has some really powerful strategies in it FL, if you're interested.

Wishing you a happy Wednesday afternoon.

🌻birdy

[Feeling_Lonely]

Oh Birdy, I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but my thoughts are with you and your family as you work through the grieving process. Big hugs xo

I guess as an almost 40 year old single person, you rely so heavily upon your friends network and when my two closest friends deserted me last year it really took its toll on me. I have other friends but they all have their own lives, relationships, kids, etc. so I often feel like I have nothing else and no one makes time for me. I am pleased that I am at least working on rebuilding my relationship with my parents.

I’ve met a couple of girls for coffee and lunch through an app but it’s too early to tell if we will become anything more than acquaintances at this stage. But at least I’m trying. I must be slightly growing in confidence as I have arranged a couple of future events with friends too. Normally I feel like they won’t make time for me, which is definitely a reflection of my depression, so I withdraw and don’t suggest things.

I really want to find a partner and have a happy, healthy relationship but it is really difficult to meet men at this age. Yes there are apps and dating sites but it’s often not a nice environment. Many men are just looking for one thing unfortunately. If I’m feeling vulnerable in any way, dealing with either rejection or an assumption you’re only after a one night stand can have a really negative impact on me emotionally.

I never thought it would be so difficult to meet a partner in all honesty. It’s all such a game now. I have to believe there are genuine men out there. I wish I wasn’t still in love with my ex as well. I would love nothing more than for him to re-enter my life, but he made it pretty clear that it is over. I still don’t understand why, I wasn’t a part of his decision making and I still don’t have closure and of course blame myself, think there’s something wrong with me. I know I need to let go of those feelings and him in general in order to move forward.

Thank you for your message. I’ll be sure to check out that book too 🙂

[Birdy77]

Good on you FL, you are being so proactive to try to make connections. Jeez Louise (my new favourite saying), it is soooo hard these days hey? I found my partner at 34, and that was hard enough. I admire you for trying FL, putting yourself out there.

i understand completely what you're saying about it being hard to find a man who isn't just after one thing ... (disclaimer: I am a lesbian 😊). It must feel very difficult when you feel still in love with your ex. How was that relationship? Did he treat you well? It sounds like it wasn't nice at the end if he "decided" it was over. Can create baggage, i know it's yuck.

Have you worked through the stuff from that relationship? Because i hate to think of you as feeling inadequate, you come across as such a capable woman (i know you've said in another thread that others would never guess at tour inner feelings because of your "together" exterior ... but I'm interested in how that relationship has impacted you) xo

PS thank you for your words. I am fine and will be fine, my family is broken so it's all weird, but I'll be ok. Xo

[Doolhof]

Dear Birdy,

Sending you condolences and sympathy due to the death of your brother. Hope you are able to find some kind of peace to help you through.

Hugs to you from Dools