Tears

[Neil_1]

Dear all (or dear anyone who reads this ... no bugga it, dear all ... why should I discriminate against anyone);

This is a simple post.

I want so much to cry.  I need to cry.  But I cannot cry.

Could anyone tell me, "Why can't I cry?"

Neil

[Mares73]

My dear, precious friend-that's you Neil. I havnt posted cause I'm not good but I had a feeling about you & came on to see how you are & I'm typing on my little phone so pls forgive spelling errors. Yes I was thinking of you & how much you come & reply to others yet I could count on my hand the rare times you actually reach out for yourself. And your last sentence about the mask you put on even on this site cut me up. I knew that. I l knew you were full of selfdoubts,insecure, thought you were hopeless & found it hard to believe even your friends here would really accept & like you if they knew the "real you". But my friend it doesn't work like that. We all have doubts, fears & insecurities. So do most of us as well as the leaders of major organizations & so on. But the diffrence is that you have an illness that has created feelings & thoughts that are more than just selfdoubts, you actually believe you are not worthy. You try to please people because you can't live with &. accept who you are & what you feel. You have learnt to bury & disguise your feelings to help avoid your pain & insecurities & doubts-and guilt. I should stop because maybe I'm making you feel worse & who am I to provide opinions & advice. I do know Neil what it feels like to be running away from yourself for years & when any alarm goes off that your feelings might be exposed-I know my avoidance techniques. I live in a constant state of high alert, in knots, like I'm ready to jump or go to war if needed because my adrenalin is so high. I know the fear of exposure & the feeling that nobody could love or accept who I am because most of what I know about myself has been learnt selfdoubts, self blame etc. I apologies for everything-I wonder sometimes if I'm apologizing for my existence. Even on this site it's hard to tackle those issues as they are so personal & best discussed one-one I think. But however I could support you I will & if sharing those deep insecurities helps then I will. l feel for you Neil-but as painful as it is you have taken a massive step in sharing some of your self & for that I thankyou. Because you have shown courage yet again & you have let go a bit of your fear by sharing things about you. And you know what? That's the Neil I know-the insightful, courageous, caring & incredible person you are. It breaks my heart that this illnesses blinds is to our strengths & beauty. Yes it's a terrible ongoing battle to live with. I woke up today for the first time serious that I couldn't take it anymore & I'd usually keep to myself but I rang BB. And you know what else? I'm glad for my family but I'm also glad that I'm here to share with you & I honestly do think so much of you. Please hold on. All the times you've known what to say to me & others? You need to look at your posts & take guidance from your own insight which you share with others. You are in my thoughts, heart & spirit. (Yes you can cringe!). But it's true. I have a secret-I light candles when I need strength & tonight there will be a candle burning for you. Talk soon. Your friend, Maresy xxx

[geoff]

dear Neil, this is the first post I have opened this morning, as I too always look for yours, as you have made an incredible influence to everyone, with your knowledge and insight, but at some time it becomes too much, so the 'king of the castle' falls off the highest peak, the world becomes too heavy to hold up, so that you can protect the rest of us, so you lay in the sand crying and hating everything that's possible, but sometimes this is a release from behind the mask.

It's like a lady whose make-up has worn off, it will need to be replaced, but not today, I'm I need to have a rest, I'm too tired, exhausted, I don't need to put it on for awhile, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few days, months, but it will only come off by my tears, so let's just leave it now and not even think about it, who will care, well we do, and it's now very important that your friends now throw a security blanket over you and protect you.

Unfortunately we can only do this from our side, because there are problems that affect you within yourself, we can't suck them out with a vacuum, boy, wouldn't that be great if this could happen, but what we can do is try and encourage these damn little devils to show their face to us, and one by one we can knock them on the head, jump on them on then burn the hell out of them.

Neil, if this had happened and none of us knew, maybe it has, then our disappointment would be huge and we would feel mortified that the people who have trusted every word in your responses can not know feel the pain with you.

It's been a very intense commitment by yourself, and not only have you formed an alliance with many people, the both of us have the thought pattern and very similar ideas, so we too have a very close connection, but even this at times isn't enough to hold you up.

Take care my friend, and please if and when you return I don't want you to write and apologise, that's never needed on this site, it's a site for expression. Geoff.

[Mares73]

Dearest Neil

i just came on to check if you have read the msgs of support & to remind you your in my thoughts today. When you can-as Geoff mentioned-let us know how you are? Don't worry or think about replying to others. This is for & about you. First thing I have done today is write to you. I wish I could take away your pain. You are so special. I'll check later. Big hug xMares

[Guest_3712]

Dear Neil,

I feel so bad for you as everyone else here does. I have known you only such a short time but in that time I have said more to you than most people I know personally, and that's not the anonymity of this site, you can tell a lot a people through their writing.

Sure you are funny and articulate and very smart but you are also human and you are hurting . Just like cancer depression doesn't discriminate. This is not a case of who has more crap to deal with , but who needs the help at different times.

At the moment you do . Don't think you have to be 'up' all the time for everybody. Sometimes it is all about you and that's ok too. Take this time to call on your support systems and we're all here if you need to chat. I posted a poem 'what's behind the door?' that you might like.

Take care friend

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Hello my dear dear friends (and I mean that more than you would know).

What an incredible bond has been built here.  You must all feel it ... I feel it massively.  I write with passion to each person here and with heartfelt thoughts and I try to, if I can offer hopeful advice.  So many write back and that is just brilliant.  There are some who don't ... and I can understand that too ... it is a huge thing to come here and write down things that are, let's face it, really personal and confronting.  (Time for a new para Neil).

To the ones that don't post back, I do hope that they all the posts that were replied to them and I hope that they gain something from it.  Even if it's just a small thing - I hope their experience on Beyond Blue was a positive one.

As you know, I've been off and on for 3 years or so, but this latest adventure has without doubt produced some remarkable friends and bonds - again, I will not list people here for the sheer fear to me of missing one you wonderful people off.  I'm rambling again ... am I back to normal.  Um, firstly what is normal?   Am I back to the way I was say on Sunday?  Um, no.  Am I better than I was on Monday?  I think yes - tentatively.  But I feel safe here ... I feel secure here.  Above all, I think I feel like I contribute something of myself here to others - that while I'm here, I'm not being useless, that I may be doing something beneficial.  Even if I can raise a tiny grin from someone - and a grin in a good way or a bad way, I'll take it.

I'm rambling again, so you're probably thinking that I am back to normal - there's that damn word again.

Ok, so I cried yesterday - it was while I was at work - and so I kept it quiet and to myself and managed to keep my keyboard relatively dry.  Went to a bit of a hidey hole for a while and then pretty much up and left.  Then went to the gym, unsure of what kind of session it would be, and I maxed out some mega lifts - so it appears that being in an emotional state can help with lifting intensity.  Yesterday was a quad and calf workout.

And while there on the news on one of the TV's I noticed their top story about Ian Thorpe ... I was just about done at that stage, but I placed the pin in the Seated Leg Press near the bottom on the stack and proceeded pushed out another dozen reps - for Thorpey.  His story really touches me, as it would so many others and as I was already in an emotional state, seeing him on the TV, I just proceeded to pound myself for another set.

Am I cryey (is there such a word) or teary today?   I'm close - but please tell me knowledgable people ... why am I appearing to fight it today?????

 I'm home today.  By myself which I enjoy ... although I do have our wonderful dog just lying on his side sleeping next to me.  Why am I fighting an urge to cry???

I know we all have worries, but yes, I have mine and they are getting to me a bit.

And you know, to top it off this morning, I got up and went to have my oats for brekkie;  opened the pantry door and I could have cried then.  Our pantry was infested with those damn little ants.  Got in through a crack in the floorboards in the kitchen and into the yummy things in the pantry.  It was awful to see, especially when you're struggling just doing routine things.  As always, my partner was a massive help and after a long period of time, well at least we have a tidy and clean pantry now ... still a few things to put away, but I'll take my time with that.

Depression, anxiety, ptsd, worry, constant worry - they never end.

Jess, Jo, Mares, Geoff, Mares and Stressless, just on this site with your posts to me, yes, I wasn't going to name names, but I have.  Remarkable people.  That goes for you 'twice Maresy' 😉  😉  😉 - not sure if that's a cheeky wink or that I simply have an eye with a twitch in it?  But your posts bought tears to my eyes - not big, but certainly a good deal of moisture and now do I feel flat ... yes.  But I am so incredibly touched by your posts of support, as I was with the ones that I received on Community Board under "AFD".

Do I have a compulsion or addiction to be on Beyond Blue?  I think, yes.

Am I sick of feeling the same way every day, day after day after day after day?  YES.  I'd write something else there, but the kindly folk in the backgrounds of Beyond Blue might just delete that ... and ps:  I'm sorry for yesterday's post Dear Beyond Blue folk - I shouldn't have used those expletives and thank you for deleting them out of that post.

I'll shut the hell up for now.

I may not be as frequent today ... I don't know.  I have visited the Community Board just before coming here.  And I know I don't have to answer each and every person, but there's something inside me that stresses to me that I should.  "I think what if nobody else does?  How would that person feel?  They come here for support and you either do or don't read their post and you don't respond!!  Way to go Neil!"  I'm digging a hole here for myself ... don't worry people, it's not 6 feet deep!

You wonderful people all mean so much to me.  And for safety reasons it is probably best that we never meet, cause I'd probably hug you all so tight, there could be ribs broken!!!

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

Putting on a new shirt will solve that wet shirt problem. Do me a favour and make it a brightly coloured one, preferably hawaiian if you have it. Use its light to absorb the dark that assails you.

Just because we are also in pain doesn't mean your pain is any less. It just means we are in the dark with you. We may not be able to see each other in the fog, but we might be able to see the flashlights on our heads as we look around for a break in the fogbank.

You're not alone. Getting out of the fogbank may seem impossible,, but wade through the fogbank and find our lights. We are in here, looking for you.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA and thank you.

I think it's times like this when I could see the value and the beautiful thing it would be if we could meet - as in not just you and me!  😉   But all the members on this site.  Just to lie down some where in a room or something ... each in our own space and sometimes someone would say something, sometimes it's just quiet.  But we're all there ... our thoughts are happening ... we know we all suffer from the same shocking thing, but we're there. 

Silly thing I know as it is mostly likely 100% that it'll never happen, but you know, it's good to kinda think or dream like that occasionally.

Like you said, we're in a fog with head torches looking for each other.  Although don't find me ... cause you know how hellishly bright those things are when you're face to face with another one.  You can't see a thing!!

How are you travelling?  Not well, I'm gathering.  😞

Neil

[Mares73]

My dear friend it's Maresy again. I'm going to start a new. Thread as mine is getting too long. But I havnt been well enough yet to post- I will today. Any strength I can find I put it into my own way of "spiritual" care & support for you. Your really on my mind & in my thoughts today. I wonder what your doing, such as has the damn started to overflow with those blocked tears, are you getting any form of support today, are you at home & most of all are you in a state to remember the deep care, affection, compassion & support that we all have for you. Many of us are waiting to hear how you are & offer any support we can-as Geoff said we are here for you as you have been there for so many. But I don't want you to feel any pressure so only when you feel able to we are here & ready to provide compassion & care for you-our special friend. I hope you don't get sick of me, I just care so much for you & wish I could do something to help. I feel helpless knowing you are suffering & would do anything to help. Times like this I wish I could phone you or drop by with gifts. And you wouldn't have to talk-I just wish I could make more of a gesture of support for you. I know I embarrassed you with my "adoration" for you but hey you are such a great friend & I value you & you truly mean a lot to me. Thinking of you my special friend x Mares x 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I am... lost today. So I am travelling, but in circles through the fog. I won't go further into detail, as this your thread, not mine.

I am really glad to see your posts following the one I replied to ( the one before the essay). I won't lie you scared me a little. I read through the entirety of the mega Neil post. It feels like at the moment the words are tripping over themselves and then vanishing when I go to talk today, so I am not going to write a terribly long post. Just wanted to say glad you are back. BB wouldn't be the same without you.

Also have you ever been blasted in the eyes with a Maglite? The ones that used to double as batons for security guards. Not sure if they are allowed to use them anymore but those suckers are as long as my forearm and damn powerful. I think there are many of us here who need to upgrade to them from the handheld, windup torches we are sporting.

GA

[Jo3]

Hey Neil

Don't think you're alone because you have sooooo many friends here.  We all care about you.  You know I remember Christmas Day, you were here for me when I was having a very emotional day on my own.  You came on and helped me get through the day.  And so many other times you have been here to pick me up again.  And not just me but the many many beautiful people who write on here for support.

I always look for your posts first, just to see 'what has Neil written today', I love it, I love reading your replies because they are so good with lots of support.  And they're soooo long but I don't mind, I just love reading yours.

Neil, I know you're in pain, I can see it in what you're writing.  Please stay strong, you can get through this, pls take care.

Always in my thoughts

Jo xxx