Tears

[Neil_1]

Dear all (or dear anyone who reads this ... no bugga it, dear all ... why should I discriminate against anyone);

This is a simple post.

I want so much to cry.  I need to cry.  But I cannot cry.

Could anyone tell me, "Why can't I cry?"

Neil

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares

Hey, don't be sorry ... no-one on this site has to say sorry for anything.

I responded back but you must have gone 'off site' and I couldn't get in touch and was worried by the shortness of your post;  I posted to Beyond Blue to see if they could immediately contact you cause I was concerned for your welfare.

I guess that's why they emailed you ... but at the same time, I hope they got in contact with you like I assumed they would.  They emailed me twice to say that they were going too.

So the s word that ends in 'orry' should be me directing to you, cause I started that chain of events.

But don't worry about my demons, I've got a light-sabre to take care of them.

Please don't be mad at me for contacting B.B. on your behalf though.

Maresy, it's Saturday ... how are you right now?  

Neil

[Mares73]

Oh Neil that's ok. I thought I'd missed you so I went offline. Maybe we can make a time to be online? Anyway I'm awful, the usual self hate, don't want to leave house etc. irony is if you met me you would think I was the bubliest happy person who looks after everyone & can cope with anything. Yet behind the facade nah I'm not in good place. Can't see pysch till the thurs following the next & I truly am just holding on. But Neil-you are my inspiration so much & whilst I know your dealing with so much, I look up to you. Just had to say that even though you will cringe & think "she doesn't know me at all!!). Lve Mares

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares,

That is amazing isn't it.  The bright bubbly persona we reveal to others, only for it to be totally turned around 360 degrees when we're by ourselves or, you know, somewhere where we don't need to put on a mask.

There's a good question.  Why can't we wear the mask all the time?  I guess because it'd just become too darn hard and exhausting?  I answered a question with a question there.  So basically that reveals that I don't know.

Thursday week?  Is that the 13th Feb?  Cause that's the same date for my first psychologist appointment ... who I haven't seen for some 18 months or so.

Well Mares, I don't know how tall you are, but I'm not overly endowed with a lot of height (only about 175cms) so it's hard to know really if you would look up to me if you met me.  Perhaps I could stand on a box!  🙂  🙂

Cheers

Neil

ps:  what plans do you have for the weekend?    Is it possible that you can try to aim to do something just for you??   Something that might occupy yourself even for a little while?  Just to try to ease your inner demons.

[Lane]

Hey Neil, was reading your post about not being able to cry, do certain or heavy meds stop those emotions, like block them that you can not cry... When doc's have increased my meds I go a bit numb, but I have never been able to tolerate higher doses due to side effects and always go back to the normal dose, as most times I have felt worse on higher doses !

Lane

[Neil_1]

Hi Lane

Excellent point and I believe you've got something there.  I've had that thought now for a while.  I'm on 3 different kinds and one of them is a super high dose (my morning one) and then of my two night time ones, one of them is again a pretty high dose.

I handle them all fine with so side effects (bar the sleepy feeling for the night time ones, but then that's a good thing) ... and also if my psych is going to do a review of them, he always orders a blood test, just so he's sure how everything in my blood stream is travelling and that I'm ok to handle a change up.

But back to the tears point, I don't feel like I go numb ... maybe I do ... but I do think there's possibly something happening with them that perhaps does shut down the 'emotional cry' system?  It's a very good question, but if pushed for an answer, I'd lock in (a) for Yes.

Kind regards

Neil

[Mares73]

Hey there-I've posted about my current state. Just wanted to see how you are & that I think of you & send you the best "vibes" that things aren't getting worse. 

Please take care & remember how much I care. Lve Mares x

[Neil_1]

Hey Maresy

🙂

Great to hear from you ... I'm going ok thanx.  You may have read that I'm on the sobriety wagon ... will be for all of February.  So my posts may start making a lot more sense for the next 27 days!  🙂

Things aren't getting worse ... that pleases me.  🙂

You just caught me ... as in, I was just logging off, but I saw your post and just had to respond.

I'll be back on tomorrow.

Take care my friend.

Cheers with water,

Neil

[Neil_1]

Hi all  

I don’t know what’s happening … I’m sitting here and tears are coming down my face … I’m actually crying.  I’m hellishly sad.  There’s so much going on … as is the case for everyone. 

I feel crap for saying this.  Here I am beginning to cry and I KNOW there’s so many more of you in far dire straits than I am.  

 I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m nervous, I’m tense, I’m tight inside, I feel sick inside.  I wanna put my hand through my monitor … or my head.  Dealing with this day after day after day is just getting to me.  Oh crap the tears are flowing again.  

I’ve read that so many times for you guys, but never thought I’d be on the computer and trying to type through tears.  I’m just so fed up with this … I’m not going to do anything terrible.  I won’t do that.  I’ve just gotta keep battling this goddamn disease … we all have.   Oh effing great, now my shirts all wet!!  

I’m sorry.  None of you needed to read this … and it’s crap of me to post it … and here I am writing it and yet feel bad for posting it, yet I still will post it.  Why?   Because I’m a very insecure individual … my mask that I have on for you guys has slipped.  

Neil

[JessF]

Oh Neil this is going to sound perverse but... you're CRYING! These are the tears you so needed to get out but couldn't. So please please, bugger the shirt, bugger the masks, just take care stay safe and go to a place where you can let it all out. Call the helpline if you need to.  And to quote you - don't ever apologise for posting here! We all want to hear how you're doing and don't care if you need to blow up a dinghy to float on top of all the tears. Speak soon.

[Jo3]

Hi Neil

This is good.  The tears are finally flowing.  

Neil, you have been a tower of strength for me and everyone else here so now it's our turn to be here for you.  

Pls call BB if you need to; otherwise come on here and write whatever you want.

Thinking of you

Your friend

Jo