I guess I just want to vent without anyone knowing who I am so here it
goes! I'm currently sitting at my work desk at my full time job writing
bits and pieces here in between answering calls and emails. I actually
don't mind my job, but I'm faced wit...
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I guess I just want to vent without anyone knowing who I am so here it
goes! I'm currently sitting at my work desk at my full time job writing
bits and pieces here in between answering calls and emails. I actually
don't mind my job, but I'm faced with negativity every day. Essentially
my job is to actually try to motivate people myself...and I do pretty
well for the most part - I feel that sometimes though I wish I could
listen to my own advice. I mean, if I'm telling these people to
essentially suck it up and keep moving (not in those words of course,
haha), why can't I do it? I've been suffering from depression...or
anxiety...or manic...god knows what (nobody can figure me out) since I
was about 17, and I'll be 27 this year. I think the reason it's hard to
diagnose me is because can be so internal (and a GP talking to me for 20
minutes is definitely not going to have any good grasp on my
personality). On the outside I'm almost completely capable of living a
normal life - I go to work every day, I'm extremely physically fit,
healthy and live a lifestyle that I think that a lot of people would
envy. I'm very very lucky and find that when I set my heart onto
something, I can achieve it, or the answer comes to me... the only
problem is no matter where I am in life, no matter what opportunity
presents itself to me, no matter what achievement I've made; I always,
always feel horrible and empty and useless on the inside. Inside my head
is a constant barrage of stupid crazy thoughts, negative self speak,
frustrated feelings...sometimes no thoughts at all... it's just
incredibly frustrating and I feel like there is nothing I can do. It's
gotten to the point where now I'm not just in a 'low' mood. Now days I
snap, I get angry at the people closest to me, and at the smallest
things. I'm up and down and all over the joint...and just when I think I
might actually be some kind of normal for a week or two - boom. I'll end
up in some psychotic crying, helpless feeling state where I'll just cry
and cry and want to scream...and I don't know why. I don't think I
actually have a trigger. It just happens, much to the dismay of my poor
long term partner who I don't think ever would have imagined that his gf
was quite so mad...and here is me starting to realise the way I'm making
him feel...I feel like he's starting to wonder if this will ever end, if
I'll ever get better, if there's anything he can do, etc etc...and to be
honest I don't really think there is anything he can do. I'm just
thankful for the hugs and patience... I really am starting to feel
guilty about what I'm doing to him though. He's a tough boy - a pure
strong and confident alpha male...and I've made him cry on multiple
occasions, because I've made him feel helpless. I hate, hate, hate that
I've made him feel that way. I've been to various doctors, Councillors,
pychs, etc - but I guess I haven't been able to stick with any
particular one for very long. I've found an issue with finances - even
though the government does pay for some of the fees for help...I'm left
to cover the rest (some bill charge I don't understand), and right now
while my life and the life of my partners is changing (we are currently
building a business together because neither of us like the idea of
working under a corporation making money for someone elses dreams, haha)
I just can't afford to look after my damn brain.... Even whilst being in
the psych chair though I've felt that I wasn't really getting a lot of
help. Like I said, I look and seem like I'm okay. I've been told more
than once that they've actually been suprised that I should be sad at
all. I want to beat my head on a wall when they say that because it's
really, really hard for me to actually say what I'm thinking out loud
and to try to make them understand how I really feel. I can't ever
really get my thoughts into a clear enough line to be able to tell
people what I'm actually thinking or feeling... With my friends I feel
like I should just spare them the pain of knowing my brain-thoughts, so
I don't really bother talking about it and cover everything with humour.
Some of them know, but I don't think anyone except for my partner
actually know how messy it really is up in here. I guess I just wish I
could figure out what to do. I do all the right things...I look after
myself, I work out, I try to sleep properly, I try to work toward the
future, I eat really, really well, I set goals, I surround myself with
motivated, loving humans... it's just... I always feel like I have a
knot in my heart and a terrible emptiness. I feel disconnected. I can't
remember what it feels like to be truly happy and it just kills me
inside knowing that.I wish I could just wake up in the morning and
bounce out of bed with happiness and confidence... I've already
pre-empted that I'm going to immediately regret this post the second I
hit that little pink button because I know I hate people knowing what I
think -even if they don't know who I am, I hate the judgement...but
screw it, I guess I'll have to deal with that one later. lol. /rant for
now. And I'm sorry if you read all of that, hahaha.