I don't really know what to do anymore. I have been depressed on and off
for the past two years. I think about suicide every day, but I don't
think I would ever go through with it, as I don't want to hurt my mum. I
get really sad for no reason. I fee...
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I don't really know what to do anymore. I have been depressed on and off
for the past two years. I think about suicide every day, but I don't
think I would ever go through with it, as I don't want to hurt my mum. I
get really sad for no reason. I feel like no one except my boyfriend
knows this about me (and he doesn't know the ful extent) and I have to
act very hard to appear happy and interested. I feel like if I tell
anyone I'm just burdening them with my issues. I have crippling
self-esteem issues. I hate the way I look and I hate the person I am.
I'm not anorexic, but sometimes I feel like I don't deserve food or
shelter, because I am taking it away from people who are more worthy
than me. I have an amazing boyfriend who has been with me for a year and
a half and he has supported me through many of my darker times, but it's
getting to a point now where I feel like I am abusing him because I
can't be happy or get better. I've tried to break it off with him so
that he can be free of me and my troubles, but he never wants to let go,
I think because he's scared that I will get more depressed without him
and maybe commit suicide. This makes me feel like such a horrible
person, as I just want him to be happy and move on with his life. I was
seeing a therapist for a bit, but it didn't work, it made me feel worse.
Sometimes I can see myself getting into a dark mood and there is a
rational voice somewhere in my head that is telling me I'm acting like
an idiot, but it never seems to be strong enough to stop me. I have
flashes in my head of suicide and I find these hard to cope with. I
don't know why I'm posting on a forum, and I don't know if it can help
me at all. I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone about my
problems, I feel selfish and silly for even having problems, and I want
the anonymity that the internet provides. I guess I just wanted to get
this off my chest and to hear similar experiences and know that I'm not
the only one who suffers from these particular issues.