Slip sliding away

[DebA]

That's the song that comes to mind when I slip up (or down is more like it).

Hi...I am new to this site and these forums and I am astounded and sadly comforted by the people and stories on here.

My story is so similar that it's not really worth mentioning but here goes anyway....

Looking back I can see I had depression from early on in life.  The teenage years were tough.  I was sexually abused by a family member.  Abused and neglected by parents who were upstanding members of the community.  Yep even the 'rich' kids can have it tough. 

I was drinking and smoking by the age of twelve just to try and get some attention from anyone.  By fourteen I'd been raped as I was passed out drunk in a bus stop.  Still no help came my way.

I married in my early 20's to try and create the family and love I so desperately craved.  I have two gorgeous kids but not surprisingly no hubby anymore.

I have few friends and can go a week or more without my phone ringing or anyone contacting me.  I am sad and I am desperately lonely.

I was first diagnosed with post natal depression after the birth of my second child and have been on and off the medication for 12 years.  I have two mental breakdowns in that time, both caused by the loss of a relationship which I do not handle well.  So badly in fact I have sworn off ever entering another relationship.  I have no long lasting friendships even though I crave them.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not a bad person.  I'd do almost anything for anyone.  But apparently I'm too...depressing!  LOL.

The problem being I talk too much.  I talk because I'm trying to find out what is normal and what is not. 

I was going along ok the last few months.  There's been a couple of bumps in the road but considering I'm unmedicated at the moment I thought I handled it well.  That was until last week...then the anxiety kicked in.  It was like nothing I've experienced before.  It was horrid.  And a week later the depression is here again.  Yesterday I couldn't even shower or get off the couch.  I just lay there and cried and wondered why no body loved me or wanted to be near me.  Ironic really.

I am a single mum.  I work part time and I'm at uni full time.  And I'm getting a wee bit too close to 40!

The loneliness is overwhelming and never ending.

Give me cancer.  Give me diabetes.  Give me anything but this horrid condition.

xx

[Mum1965]

Hey Deb! I went looking and just found this bio (five pages away!) that you mentioned in your other thread (dated 29/4/13), which I also 'responded' to. I am so sorry you feel so down, and I truly hope that you can find some comfort here. You will be amongst so many who, as you pointed out, are also in difficult situations, but we can help each other.

You must be very busy with your work, your uni, and most importantly your kids. Your priority is yourself and your kids. (You shouldn't worry about your age, Deb - it's just a number!) How are your kids coping with school, etc?

Your traumatic teenage years have crept up on you, Deb. Are you able to get any counselling? Speak to your GP about how you are feeling. The Sexual Assault Crisis Line (Ph: 1800 806 292) may also be able to assist you. You need get help to get over the emotional, sexual and physical trauma you were exposed to. (Been there, done that......) Melbourne has SECASA Ph: 9594 2289 - It helped me to 'find' myself and work things out. Give it a chance, and give yourself the chance to heal.

You need it, and your children need it too. Hope you find the healing you need. X

[geoff]

dear Deb, I presume that 'MUM' was born 1965, anyway she always good information not only to you but to others as well.

I really detest sexually abuse in any shape or form, and I just can't believe that there are creeps who take pleasure with this should be ----------.

Your life started off on a bad footing and nothing has been able to lift your mood, only your two kids, who probably can't understand what the hell is going on, and by no means does this mean I am blaming you, circumstances just seem to fall our way, no matter what happens in life.

There are people where nothing substantial happens and it doesn't seem to affect their life, and unfortunately all of us here are not included as being in that list.

I do love your comment about being 'too depressed', don't we all know the true meaning of this all too well.

OK you stopped your medication, hold your hand out, your a naughty girl, I myself feel fine and that's because I am taking my medication, and I know too well, that if I go for a couple of days without taking them, then crash bang down the chute I go straight into the black hole again, and would cry at the drop of the hat. As soon as I start again I bounce back to feeling good.

There have been many posts about people who have done the same, stopped taking their medication because they feel good, and after a couple of days down the chute they go, it's this medication that makes them feel good.

Your a mum, who has had two children, you work as well as studying at uni, your life is full, and you are flat out trying to cope with all of these activities, and being 40 a chicken at heart, which means that you must look after yourself.

I only live by myself and have intention of either developing a relationship, or to have someone live with me, and the reason for this is I can do what I want, there are no arguments, sure daily contacts can happen, but that's mostly visiting people or having a coffee with them. Tessie my little dog has a tendency to be jealous.

Please get back to us, we can talk to you, and it's harmless. L Geoff. x