Tired

[Jaso69]

First off  I'm sorry for being and sounding like a downer and a pathetic sympathy seeking melodramatic loser. But i have to vomit my crap somewhere. 

I have always been philosophical about things and tried to help others by relating my experiences with what others are going through. It seemed to help them. I know I have had the love of others but I  always push it away. Some times knowingly sometimes not. A lot of times not realising the love I have had and felt from others was self serving for them and not about me.  Like they had had a bad time and I'd show them "hey not everyone is  an asshole. Thanks for that. See you later."  Some meant for me but now to late to have back.  Just pushed away by self loathing and undeserved of it I felt from it " why love me ill only hurt you or you me". Trying to fit my life experience in a few words is hard. Ive always said to myself no matter what I go through there's someone else out there who is suffering worse.  So suck it up. Right now with things I've done and things that have happened to me, that doesn't wash with me anymore.  I liken myself and the people I've had there for me in my life to a tyre. I'm the rim and they are the tyre.  Spinning around in circles. When I realise what a mess I have made I finally stop I look back at the skid marks I've left on the road that is my life. I try to pick up the rubber I have left on the road. There are big pieces and small pieces. I try to gather them up and put them back on my tyre "life" but they just fall through my fingers and blow away in the wind never to be seen again. I know what and why I do things but they still happen. Testing and pushing love to the edge. Always too far. Because I feel I don't deserve it or its not as real for them as it is for me. Only realising the truth when it's too late. 

Things I hear or have heard or never heard from those I love. 

My mother and father never said "I love you" I've said it many times to them. Both were alcoholics and abusive. My farther regularly bashed my mum weekly while they were together until I was 17. He left her for someone else then. She's been dead for a few years now and he wants nothing to do with me saying I have a new family now. Haven't seen him since 1988. Not from want of trying. 

The latest was from the woman I love a few months ago was

"I'm trying to move forward and being around you is taking steps backwards." Shes now back with her controlling ex. Even people who commit crimes like murder and rape get visitors and people who care about them and  understanding and forgiveness. Why don't I. 

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Jaso,

Your tyre has a puncture.    What could help more than trying to get back on the road ?    There's so much insight, intuition and awareness in your post that no wonder you might sometimes feel that you are "testing and pushing love to the edge".  And why not ?    You should feel comfortable with the good times AND the bad times if the relationship is solid as a Firestone 214 Steel Rim Tyre used by Rally drivers .  Or something like that.   You know what I mean.

Sorry to hear you dad took off and there's been no contact for 25 years.  It seems that we are always seeking approval from our parents despite all the crap they put us through.   I haven't seen my sister since 1990 and, because we parted on terrible terms, each bit of contact by post/email turns into a disaster.   It's like we just can't move on.   So, just saying, maybe the long awaited reunion with your dad might not pan out the way you envisage.  There's obviously no way you can push this so why not spend the next 25 yrs worrying about yourself instead ?   With me and my sister we take turns blocking and try to move on.  Pretty pathetic.

Your life needs patching up not punishing with the past.    It's not just love that can be self serving.    Look at the world in general.  The litter in the streets, the hoons reving loudly at 2am, the public urination, politics, etc.     Media, adverts, Jehovah Witness, etc.    At least "vomitting my crap somewhere" is honest.   You just need an emotional bucket big enough to put it all in.   Do you like KFC ?  Lol.

Adios, David.

[Jaso69]

I just wish people would see how hard I have been trying to fix things in my life in stead of how hard I've pushed them away. 

[Pudding]

Firstly, don't apolgoise for "vomiting your crap here", this IS after all the site where you are expected to.

Psychiatrists have been telling us for years that if, as children, we don't receive the love (in cuddles and in words); confirmation of our worthiness and capabilities etc, from our parents, we will always yearn for it regardless of our age. (that's why they refer to the 'child within'). You not only didn't get what you needed or deserved as a child but you were witness to the horrible behaviour by your father to your mother and your mother's weakness in making the necessary changes. Mind you many years ago, there was nowhere for abused mothers and their children to go, so they stayed put and lived with it all - they had no choice.

I was in my 50's when it occured to me that my parents were probably hopeless parents because of THEIR upbringing. I examined my father's background and my mother's background which occured during the 1920s to 1940s. I know there are people who overcome harsh childhoods to become loving and adoring parents to their kids, but often people don't know how to be good parents because they had no experience of it themselves. Knowing this put me in a position to feel sorry for them and through that find understanding and then forgiveness. It was amazing how forgiving them felt like I was the adult forgiving my child. My 'child within' left forever. My father died at 90 about three years ago and I feel no regret even though I never got the opportunity to talk to him about it and for him to apologise (which is all I wanted). My mother at 93, is still alive and I HAVE talked about her shortcomings as a mother - she feels nothing and has never shown sorrow. BUT I have forgiven her anyway and I know that when she dies, I will have no regrets.

Forgive your father for being the plonker he is, his behaviour its NOTHING to do with you, its who he is and who he became, probably because of his upbringing. Comfort your 'inner child' so to speak, and realise that ALL children are worth loving and protecting, no exceptions.Try and remember that going on and on about your sadnesses with a girlfriend will eventually feel like she is carrying an enormous burden. She is probably trying to live a positive, happy existence and by speaking to you just brings back the burden she felt when she was with you. You know what they say, when you are unhappy or sad, surround yourself with happy, positive and funny people only. Being with them will lift your spirits and the more you do it the more your spirits will be lifted and eventually you will feel happier more of the time. Put the past behind you and as from today look forward only.

Remember NOT to talk about your sadnesses or depression with new friends/acquaintenances - it can be an awful 'downer' for them, and of course avoid anyone who will depress you by their problems - it works both ways. You can do it!