sick of it all: diary of a bad day

strangebrew · ‎04-02-2014

After 20 years I am over all of this.

I am sick of feeling suicidal 3-4 times a week.

I am sick of being on addictive medications.

I am sick of being unable to cope without medications.

I am sick of feeling like I have to leave situations where other people are around.

I am sick of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up.

I am sick of the panic attacks and feeling like I am going to die.

I am sick of spending 12 years working on getting in control of Depression and Anxiety and not only failing to get control, but getting worse.

I am sick of the lack of support in the medical system.

Every day feels the same, pushing my way through, doing whatever I can to get through it and collapse at the end of the day

So tired, so exhausted, so frustrated, so angry. This is never going to go away. This is my life.

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JessF · ‎05-02-2014

I'm so sorry strangebrew it sounds really tough for you right now and clearly for some time. I don't have a magic wand but I'll tell you what I have done when I have just been fed up and had -sickofitsickofitsickofeverything- running on a constant loop in my head and hopefully it might strike a chord.

When its all so overwhelming, change starts with one little thing at a time. Like your feeling that every day is the same. What are some practical things you could shift that? Could you plan things for certain days of the week or evenings that you look forward to that would break the monotony? Having things to look forward to was a big big thing that my psych helped put in place for me when I felt exactly like you are feeling now. At the time I thought how pathetic that I need a crutch like that to get me through, but you know what? It was all down to the things I chose. If I chose to do things that I really enjoyed (for me not anyone else), even if it was only one thing a week at first, it actually started to break through, like stepping stones across a river. Then I started to think of more things I could do to plan my days, and like exercising a muscle it got stronger.

Now that didnt mean for a second that I stopped feeling suicidal at times, that I stopped feeling anxious, that I stopped feeling down... but when it did happened I started to cope with it a lot better. It meant that those horrible feelings you talk about were part of my life, but they weren't my whole life because I had other things as well.

Neil_1 · ‎05-02-2014

Dear Strangebrew

I could have sworn I’ve written something incredibly similar to this.

I don’t know if this helps you one bit, but you are not on your own. There’s 10 or 11 items listed, and I don’t tick every one of them, but I tick a large percentage of them.

This is quite possibly my worst post ever on this site, cause I simply cannot respond anything of a positive nature to you. This saddens me. I just wanted to say that I understand your post.

Kind regards

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎05-02-2014

Hi Strangebrew,

Like the people above me, I too can tick so many things on that list. While I'm not in that space at the moment, I know what it is like to be in that space. It isn't pretty. I don't know what we push through when we live in that mindset, but it sure ain't glitter.
It's heavy, dirty and feels all encompassing.

From your post it sounds like you have done the rounds in the mental health system. It doesn't sound like you've had a good time of it. May I ask if you have a GP or psych you are seeing at the moment? Also, have they given you some meds to take? Have you been taking them? I don't mean to pester you with questions but I'd like to get an idea of where you are.

I know it how hard it is to do something like post as you have. I know that it feels when I do, like a little of the weight was lifted of my shoulders. A little less sludge to push through, even if it is only small. You should give yourself a pat on the back for doing just that. I certainly hope that you can post to us again, but if it is beyond your limits at the moment, then I hope you can at least put up with my rambling and read what I am trying to say.

You are not alone. There are many of us who have seen,smelt and felt the sludge that surrounds you at the moment. I personally have been in it so deep, it felt like effort just to breathe. I kept making a hole to breathe because tomorrow it might only be neck deep. Just one more day I kept telling myself. Just one more day. I can't guarantee I won't fall back in that place, in fact I can almost guarantee the opposite, but I still just keep telling myself one more day. When things get really bad, I just say one more hour. The storm has got to ease at some point and we just have to keep fighting to see that day.

I hope you can keep fighting and post back to us. We'll be right here, to offer a helping hand if you would like to take it.

Take Care,

GA

HighwayToHell · ‎05-02-2014

I'll be here too, Strangebrew along with a lot of other people. You are not, and whilst you stay with us online from time to time, never will be, alone ever again.

We have all been to very dark places and every single one of us feels your pain. If it gets too much, please, please pick up the phone and call the number for Beyond Blue, or Lifeline or if you have to call 000. But do not, repeat, do not suffer alone any more.

We need you we really do. You and others like you - who bravely post their deepest fears and feeling on this forum - are the only reason there is help here for people like me.

iamsotired · ‎05-02-2014

Hi

I hear you

we hear you

I log in each night, because for some perverse reason I get some comfort in knowing that I am not alone through this nightmare.

Nor are you

I, we are here to listen to you

understand your experiences through our own.

Hang in there, for as someone said you, us we are all gifts to this earth, we all need each other.

I know for one I NEED the people who respond to my feeble posts.

So as hard as it is PLEASE keep posting so we can share and support each other

Jo3 · ‎05-02-2014

Hi Strangebrew

I'm not in a good frame of mind tonight feeling quite low. But all i wanted to say was that we are all thinking of you. We care about each other and help each other fight through this damn depression.

I agree with all the other posts, just thinking of you.

Jo

strangebrew · ‎06-02-2014

Thank you all for your kind responses. Some days no matter how hard I try to persevere or dispute negative thoughts in my head or control my anxiety, it just gets out of control. That was definitely one of those days. The exhaustion and toll this has taken on me, sometimes gets me so down I feel like I can’t keep going anymore. Not because I feel like there is no future in my life but because I can’t deal with the physical and emotional feelings anymore. And my experiences in the Mental Health Care system have been very frustrating and my frustration builds up and can come out in sometimes an angry or aggressive or extremely self depreciating way.

I have a GP that I am working with and have been on a Mental Health Care plan for 5 years now. There was a recent change in my medication back in November, and took me a while to fully withdraw from my previous anti-anxiety meds, and have just now started on another one. Going on another different med scares me, but I don’t know what else to do but keep trying until I find what works for me. I have also got a referral to CBT therapy so will see how that goes. But sometimes the more things I try to get a hold of my issues, the fear of failure or fear of another thing not working or sending me into a spiral, can cause additional anxiety. I have also joined a Support group for people with anxiety and depression issues so I will see how that goes.

I have spent years with this and feel like I have tried almost everything under the sun. Have been on most common anti-depressives and anti-anxiety meds, have gone through hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, brief CBT, meditation courses etc. So feeling like I keep ending up back in the same place gets frustrating and builds up sometimes to the point of ultimate despair.

On a positive note (yes I try and keep looking at positives when I have the ability to), today is my wife and I’s 13th wedding anniversary and she has been very supportive and tries to be understanding. I know its not easy on her with having to deal with my constant anxiety and panic attacks, so I am glad we are still together and there is hope in our future together and that is something to celebrate and be happy about.

HighwayToHell · ‎06-02-2014

Well Happy Anniversary to you both - in a world where roughly half of all marriages end in divorce, 13 years is a massive achievement. Congratulations.

I am so glad you are having a better day and I hope you enjoy it and have a terrific anniversary together.

Girl_Anachronism · ‎06-02-2014

Hi Strangebrew,

First off, Happy anniversary to you both. I hope that you make it a special day and make the most of it. Despite what this illness does to us, it's so much easier to bear with a strong support like your wife by your side. It by no means is never easy, but it could be worse without.

Being new to treating this illness, despite suffering for years, I haven't been through the hoops you have had to jump through. I am really inspired that despite this, you are still here and fighting. You are still trying new things like the recent support group. I can only hope that it goes well for you and offer the support of the forum base regardless. There are so many lovely people here who when it seems that the night couldn't get any darker, are there to light the way, even if only until tomorrow in the hope that things will be better.

Take Care

GA