Tears

[Neil_1]

Dear all (or dear anyone who reads this ... no bugga it, dear all ... why should I discriminate against anyone);

This is a simple post.

I want so much to cry.  I need to cry.  But I cannot cry.

Could anyone tell me, "Why can't I cry?"

Neil

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares  

I'm so glad that you received that post ... I did it straight away, as soon as I saw that you were concerned for posting what you did, and I wanted to get any of those thoughts out of your head.  But there must be quite a bit of traffic needing to get through and mine was on the runway, still taxi-ing over night, waiting for a holding period in the traffic for it to take off.  Anyway, i'm so pleased that you've read it.  Now Maresy, please turn your computer off, go and fluff up your pillows - perhaps put on one of those day time talk back shows or the sound track of an Enya album and drift off to sleep.  You need sleep Maresy.

Now, here's another little piece that I've drafted to you this morning so i'll include this on the same post:

Thank you for yet another wonderful response from you.  I really don’t know how you … actually, yes I do.  I was going to say, I don’t know how you do it when you’re battling so very hard yourself.  You’re in a much worse place than me though and yet you still pour out your compassion and support to not only me (which I so appreciate) but to others who are struggling. 

Back to what I was trying to say … I battle within my own mind, but I’m still able to post here … I think I do it to push my demons back for a while so I can address other people’s issues and try to provide some positiveness for them.  

 I’m beginning to realise that no matter what I do for me, I’ve got to accept that this is my life.   So I’m kind of moving on and knowing that this dog is with me, I’ll just push him back into his kennel while I post away on here. 

It’s a kind of solution, I guess.  Not a long term one, but it’s better than what I’ve been able to come up with after so many years of trying.  

Kind regards  

Neil  

Ps:  Mares, keep thinking of your children;  keep thinking of hubby and even us … nothing bad is going to happen to you, nothing bad is going to happen to you … keep saying that over and over.

[Mares73]

Neil my dear-you hit the nail on the head in your last post above to me- it is so so much about acceptance that we live with an illness that will require us to monitor it, take our treatment & manage our lives around the fact we have an illness. Just as others with ongoing illnesses such as diabetics do. The main difference being you can tell anyone you have diabetes & they will probably offer empathy etc. but our illness is still not recognised & accepted in society in general & I think if you told an aquantince or colleague you had depression they probably wouldn't know what to say & they may begin to treat you differently.  So that doesn't help us much. But I've only recently came to accept that yes I do live with a serious illness & ill need to monitor it & manage it through several forms of treatment. I'm tired of the fight -the fight with the illness-the fight to believe this is something I will overcome & destroy through pure intention. Sadly it won't work that way-it's not a fight I can win  but it's something I can learn to live with & in doing so I will feel more confident that it can be managed at times with medication, support etc. And then there will be times it feels beyond my control & in that situation ill need a different approach. During this latest episode I've thought about writing down a crisis plan where I list the different types/severity/triggers & forms my depression can take. And then list next to each type/triffor/forms I can identify-the things that I can identify as helping me through the day or week such as reading, being on Internet, watching crime shows etc. And for the worst type of depression like the type I'm experiencing now-write things like ph BB, write on here, have a talk to my mum about if this ever happens again-can she let me stay with her so I'm safe etc. And I could also add to it things like what to do if I ever get those worst possible thoughts & also discuss my husbands role ie how he could of dealt with it differently & the most serious one-if I ever had to go to hospital-research the private hospitals so we know the best option given i have private health cover-and if a crisis occurred I'd want to know best option so I don't have to end up in the local public hospital. Just some thoughts I had after I decided to accept my illness & develop a plan to help manage & live with it-as opposed to what I've always done-which is avoid the issue completely until its completely overtaken me & then I'm in a worse crisis. I've got to stop avoiding it & learn to live with it. Gosh Neil sorry-your post got me seriously thinking. as I could really relate to it. Anyway how are you today? And while we are on the subject-do you have support in any ongoing way? I hope you are not getting any lower. Pls let me know how you truly are? Lve Mares x

[Neil_1]

Hi Mares,

That’s a damn excellent response you just posted.  You’ve really researched your own mind and feelings so well.  And then you’ve listed it all down in a proper order and ways to deal with things as they come up.  I’m feeling really happy and pleased that you were able to do this. 

And even a greater achievement as I know you’re in an absolutely awful place but just the nature of your post – something shone (is that such a word) through to me that you have looked so soberly at this illness of yours and all the trappings that it brings and then to propose different methods of dealing with it.

How am I?  I’m pretty much the same.  No better … but no worse.  No tears.  No laughter – definitely none of that.  I’m on a treadmill – as I suspect so many of us are. 

What supports do I have?  I’m not sure … I may not have any apart from my kids, my partner and my meds.  Ok ok, not true, I have friends, but I won’t use them.

Kind regards

Neil

[Mares73]

Neil my dear-you have friends here & I'm going to be harsh & say why don't you ask our support given you provide so much to others? I don't believe your just ok as you say. I can feel your not letting it out & feeling ok to share. That really saddens me. Although I do understand & I won't push the issue. It's weird-I've always been told I'm intuitive. Am I? Only you know that & please don't answer it either -it's up to you with who you share, what you share & when. I just-dunno-I just....feel there's so much going on for you & I sense it & I want to help & I can't unless you want to share-and that's all I can do and I'm so sad about that. If I lived near you I'd wanna drop by & just hang with you. I don't know that you have enough trust in anyone to share your soul. I get that. How do I explain why I said all that-its truly because you mean so much to me-more than you know. I care deeply.  Now re my post above-I'm glad, although I don't know how I wrote it- I'm glad I somehow did. Because no way today could I have that clarity & insight. I'm very sad today. Worried my mind is going to dark places & I still haven't got any support-so this appt on Monday with my pysch is my only hope at moment & I fear she won't have a clue what to do. Anyway this is your story & I keep interrupting it. I wish I could give you a big hug Neil & maybe just maybe we could cry together. My Lve x Mares

[Mares73]

Ps -support yes.... partner, kids & meds. I can relate to that totally. Remember me & your many friends here. If I was allowed to have contact. I'd do anything I could to help you during this time. I am very close to you & your an example of a close, best buddy. Times like this I do wish we could meetup & all be together. I have no friends as close to me as you & others on here.  You are safe here to let go. I think you'll understand my msg. I want to jump into your life & help fix it. But I can't so I mean it from bottom of my heart-despite the limits in communication-you are admired & cared for immensely by people on this site. And hey I haven't given up on how we could meetup if you & others wanted to-maybe during the roadshow. You are precious Neil, Xxx Maresy xxx

[Neil_1]

Hi Maresy

Yet again I’m blown away with the power and strength of support through your messages to me.  I struggle to write replies as it’s hard to respond to such wonderful words of encouragement, support and care.

I'm kicking on … Friday is progressing through – and now I’ve got to make a list of the things that I still need to do today.

 I’ve also had to bite the bullet (so to speak) and have made an appointment with my physio for tomorrow arve … these appointments are only made when I’m in acute pain and right now I’ve got that in my lower back. 

Of all things, not from lifting weights, but from delivering newspapers … yes, I’m a paper boy … there’s a free newspaper that needs to be delivered to the people and I’ve joined up this year to (a) earn some extra money to help pay back some of the money that I wasted on the pokies … all that money will be going back to my two children – I know it’s hardly anything, but I’m also using part of my pay being put aside as well and (b) I get paid to keep fit – you walk the streets for 90-100 mins on a Tuesday late arve and yeah, you get some money for it. 

Trouble is, my lower back is getting cranky with me as there’s a lot of bending down to get the paper, fold and feed it into the letter boxes.  And now it’s got to the point that I really need to get it seen to.  😞

Kind regards

Neil

[JessF]

Neil I'm wondering if there's any way you can get back into sport, or do your injuries make that too difficult? I know what its like to put your life and passion into something and the big hole thats left when it is gone. It sounds like your cricket was such a big part of your life, not just for personal achievements but also the wonderful relationships you must have had with your teammates.

[Mares73]

Hey my friend, how are you? Havnt heard today. I've spent most of the day replying to people-I needed to occupy my thoughts so I thought I'd spend the day hoping something of use might help someone. What are you doing this weekend? I'm nervous about the possible complete lack of help from my Pysch on Monday. If she doesn't change something I don't know what to do next. I havnt left the house all week not even to the backyard or letterbox so I'm not very good & I'm having awful thoughts of myself. Back to you-is your mood still low or lower than a few days ago-I know it hasn't improved but I hope it's not deteriating. I havnt asked you I don't think-is your partner supportive & understanding? It helps if she is. .I know what it's like to crave comfort  & reassurance & how harder it is if your coping alone or it's just not possible to get it when you need it. I'm not much help at the moment am I? I feel like crying now I'm  writing to you. I wish you were on here. And that's  so selfish of me. It's you I should be focussed on. Remember how precious you are, umm you can't do that can you? How about I reverse it & say your precious to me. Catchup soon x Mares

[Neil_1]

Hi Jess

You know it's a very good question.  And it's one that I've been contemplating even for a little while ... should I try to make a comeback to play for my old club again?  Obviously I wouldn't be able to recreate the pace that I once bowled at ... but it's something worth thinking about.  A bodybuilding cricketer ... now that'd be a sight.

You know the other thing about the cricket ... is my Dad was so incredibly passionate about it.  He never played, but he was there every weekend with his son's who played and followed their careers with immense pride.

And when I moved away, we would talk on the phone during summer when I was still playing ... he'd always ring up on Saturday night or first thing on a Sunday morning to find out how I went.  Without fail.

Memories that I cherish ... and I can't get them back ... and I really really miss those phone calls.  We'd talk for ages about cricket and also our other two loves, Aussie Rules footy and also horse racing ... so you see, we'd be constantly on the phone all year round;  cricket in the summer, aussie rules in the winter and all year round, horse racing.  Again, I miss it so much because it was so much a part of my life.

I'm trying to recreate a little bit of that with my daughter ... and you know, I think she knows how much it used to mean to me as I guess I speak about it so often.  I'll say, 'gee see this horse, that one would have been one Dad would have liked' (my daughter absolutely loves all animals and really loves horses) and then in the winter, she'll watch the occasional game with me, likewise, she'll watch some of the cricket - and I'll go off talking to her about different aspects and then stop and realise that she's probably not getting one bit of what I'm saying.

But she's an absolutely wonderful girl ... and she knows when I'm down, she'll be there for me.

Jess, I just miss my dad so much.

Neil

[Jo3]

Oh Neil my friend

You had me in tears reading your post.  I don't know why, well maybe I do .... i think it's the close relationship you had with your dad and the close relationship you have now with your daughter.  How precious and beautiful that is.

Sounds like you and your daughter have a great connection; and i bet she is daddy's little girl!!

Neil, i know how hard it is not having your dad around anymore; 

Pls take care Neil, I am thinking of you and wishing you well

Jo xx