So upsetting...

[Albert_247]

My life has been pretty rough, I mean I was bullied all during high school from 13 to 18, I didn't like my father's difference entirely, my diagnosis mis conception happened at 19 and I've been kept on meds for the last 9 years. I'm beneath this image of having a disability when I don't agree with my diagnosis, It's too unique and unbelievable to explain to anyone so I'm treated as indenyl or lacking insight. The health issues were 22 & 25, Then I had no driving independence till 26 because I didn't have any parents to learn with, plus hated all my driving teachers. I only could drive through having Centrelink, I never could advance my life without having any sense for which suitable jobs I would want to work, I never had vacancies with so much immigration and competition with society and with fresh high school kids wanting jobs too. I never wanted to be a apprentice or go to University, even with a interest in Nutrition I'm just not the study personality. I only had help to write the resume & cover letters after going through useless job recruiters but they are not much guarantee to get anyone payed employment. I never had a new group of mateship after leaving high school and I've had no experience with girls as friends or even socially or on a intimate level. I'm complete incel unfortunately with me, but I wouldn't feel like un able to speak to them, unless their really attractive. I had a dream to become a hobbyist musician, though I just had all that with high school, my dad and my mental health drama to deal with, while not having women, work, and a regular life it all ruined my confidence to do it since 14. Don't feel like my parents are on that journey or understanding to chase dreams, they played life more passive and safe and their a whole different personality to me. Now I feel like I'm failing at life or like a ugly man child and everything always felt out of my control, or that thing's couldn't be better given the circumstance.

[Albert_247]

Hi there small wolf, Thanks for your response I really appreciate it, I have actually just made another post re explaining things a bit better. As for my dreams I wanted to be a talented blues guitarist and a gospel religious rapper that were my non conventional dreams. If I was going through the regular life I'd want to be a educated Dietician specialsing with working with diabetics and their nutrition. Though I was not the academia personality and I never had the esteem to follow my creativity for different reasons. My life just never gave me a chance to feel successful or confident, I have posted a new one named So upsetting... and it explains why I've always felt repressed to follow my interests.

[antsparks]

Hello Albert_247 as someone who bullied people in the past, let me tell you that we are just broken kids with a not so good family background. Hurt people, hurt people. I regret what I did, and I can't probably grasp the emotional damage that I have done with them. I'm sure some of them regret what they did to you.

With that said, don't worry about your number of friends, I think it is normal as you grow older that you get sick and tired of being with people who are not genuine and doesn't have your best interest. Naturally, the number of friends will become smaller and smaller and just like white knight said, it is better not worse 🙂

Don't let your past damage your future but learn from it and make it your stepping stone to be better.

[Albert_247]

Thanks antsparks, I will learn from my past with school to know the sorts I wouldn't stick with again, I also appreciate your honesty about your own prior mistakes, try to think on the grand scheme there's a lot worse things peoples do, At least you admit it was wrong and everything. I have a lot of other things to worry about now, and just think all that childish crap is just rather immaturity and such a small brief thing when confronting life. 

[Albert_247]

- I have low self esteem was bullied all during high school, even until I was 24

- I was given a wrong diagnosis Schizophrenia, that they undermine & 9 years of involuntary treatment

- Pre diabetes & without a gallbladder too, caused by the involuntary pharmaceuticals

- Receding gums some how happened too

- No direction at 28 still or payed work history also, just a few months of miserable volunteer experience

- Lack of genuine driving confidence, despite having a standard licence and a vehicle

- A virgin still and never had female friends or any social experience with women, from the brief experiences I've had I've never enjoyed talking to women 

[smallwolf]

Do you still play guitar?  

Play in a band?

Tell me a little about gospel religious rap?

I know nothing about it! 

Are these things that you can do as a hobby?

[Albert_247]

I still love guitar, It's a hobby that I will never quit, But I often procrastinate because I play video games or watch sports streaming. As far as the Gospel rap it could either be a religious themed rap, Biblical themed or trying to convey hope, but if I write lyrics I like them being PG or relatable for anyone, I just prefer meaningful music and lyrics rather then that mainstream stuff. I've accepted I am not really a people person, So I wouldn't want music as a dream job because I can only handle the people that I click with rather then having such interpersonal esteem to deal with anyone who would be a conflict or burden. I like the idea of being creative when alone in my comfort zone, not on in front of anyone.

[Earth Girl]

Yeah, I guess the younger generation is experiencing a lot of things more often than we did that they shouldn't have to see. Tweens are often dressing more like teenagers these days and yet women in their 30's are told not to wear mini skirts even though they are at an age where it is more appropriate for them to show more skin than someone in Primary school. Music is a lot these days and a lot of children use social media which I don't think is good for them. I think you should only be allowed to use it if you are at least a teenager (which is the rules these sites give anyway), but lots of parents even let their young children use these things and lie about their age on there so they can use it. Plus, these days there's even more pressure to "glow up" physically and it's not just teenagers worrying about it now - some really young children are getting called ugly by their peers in school. Our generation is actually quite lucky in a way given most of us didn't have to worry as much about these sort of things from such a young age.

[smallwolf]

Please note that I am not trying to tell you to make music , but that is also a talent that not too many possess. I wish that I could. And as for writing music that has meaning, that is also commendable! I am also not really into mainstream music and more preference is more extreme metal (broadly speaking) but what I really wanted to tell you is that there are artists "write" for themselves, such as Steve Vai. Someone like Buckethead wears a mask and KFC bucket on his head because of stage fright. Angus Young wore a school suit for similar reasons. There are also many metal artists that create content and don't tour. Again, I am telling you what you should do, rather there are people that have found an audience in expressing themselves.

Do you find that being creative when alone, helps you? 

(just curious) 

🙂

[Albert_247]

My life had been defined by 30 in my view, just I could never have confidence I had been bullied all during high school from 13 to 18 while also dealing with my father back when he was more toxic and financially stressed with school fees. I used to skip school because I hated the numerous kids who bullied me socially & physically and my dad would continuously talk to his friends about taking us out of that otherwise good private school, to then go to a crap public school. It was my Mum's consideration to want us to go to a better school, where as my father only cared about the expense he was paying.

After high school when I was 18 I was more younger minded and desperate for some friend's because I believed that was contributing to a normalized ideal life. So then I re kindled with two of those school idiots because one apologised to me, though he made me apologise too for saying things in self defense during those prior school years. I didn't see the narcissistic side that he was wanting to be equal or right rather then at fault with anything. These friends didn't call me by name, or respect me and they constantly gave me un wanted opinions & labels. They would bully me for having Centrelink and compare me to being rock bottom in my early twenties. They constantly ruined my psychological reflection on myself and would undermine and over speak me. They always believed they were the better intelligence. One of their mothers would call me a loser even at 19, telling me if I wasn't cutting I don't deserve my Centrelink. Especially when your firstly developing independence and supposed to make adult development and start the real world, their toxicity caused me a decade of low self esteem.

Also despite loving my brother, we otherwise get along, very close twins. He is though more geeky and insecure and would either give me the talk that were different from others or failures. He would sometimes laugh about my old pictures when I was overweight and he would send them to me on Facebook, and it just adds to un needed extra shit to deal with.

I feel my family are so convinced with their perception on me, like I am not close with my Dad and my brother thinks I'm similar when I wanted to be a mix between geek and rather creative/religious. But maybe it's a twin thing.

It's just always this belief that I've always never had the right father, friends, success, support to be differently confident. I also hate my Dad's side of the family too, they think low of me.

[Albert_247]

For myself I always know I can improve with my guitar playing and improve with my rap poems. I can memorize my lyrics and actively perform them out with myself when alone. I can figure out some rhythm and melody through my writing structure. It was just not knowing how to edit my music with software or create instrumentals.

Just a tone of reasons why I don't have confidence to try more with my creativity, I probably have given up actually on my dreams. I just feel defined now that I'm in my late twenties If my life would've been different from 12 - 28 I'd be a different esteem and world view. I was interested in video games and watching sports and having that as distractions too made me procrastinate on my music. The sad facts, the main reason I quit on my creative dreams because I was bullied all during high school and mostly was effected from 18 - 24 from my bad friends. I was a rare highly sensitive person and everything effects me either because I observe society and reflect more then others. I didn't feel confident to be creatively express when living with my Dad's different personality. I always felt under confident to be creative because it was American culture and I was Australian. Not that I wanted to be American though, because I didn't for too many reasons. 

If you look around too society has became more degenerate and bullying is getting worse and worse as generations get more modern since Gen Z, the world is too superficial and it's getting to the point where you have your dreams or face poverty and I blame California for ruining the world, just think they globally influence people for the worst impressions. Anything conservative or religious is becoming demonized. I don't like my generation politically or with their generational creativity. I've also been wrongly diagnosed with mental health and had some health issues from the medications, I've been made to take pharmaceuticals for the last 9 years

I've had a lot of suffering to prevent me from creative confidence.