So upsetting...

[Albert_247]

My life has been pretty rough, I mean I was bullied all during high school from 13 to 18, I didn't like my father's difference entirely, my diagnosis mis conception happened at 19 and I've been kept on meds for the last 9 years. I'm beneath this image of having a disability when I don't agree with my diagnosis, It's too unique and unbelievable to explain to anyone so I'm treated as indenyl or lacking insight. The health issues were 22 & 25, Then I had no driving independence till 26 because I didn't have any parents to learn with, plus hated all my driving teachers. I only could drive through having Centrelink, I never could advance my life without having any sense for which suitable jobs I would want to work, I never had vacancies with so much immigration and competition with society and with fresh high school kids wanting jobs too. I never wanted to be a apprentice or go to University, even with a interest in Nutrition I'm just not the study personality. I only had help to write the resume & cover letters after going through useless job recruiters but they are not much guarantee to get anyone payed employment. I never had a new group of mateship after leaving high school and I've had no experience with girls as friends or even socially or on a intimate level. I'm complete incel unfortunately with me, but I wouldn't feel like un able to speak to them, unless their really attractive. I had a dream to become a hobbyist musician, though I just had all that with high school, my dad and my mental health drama to deal with, while not having women, work, and a regular life it all ruined my confidence to do it since 14. Don't feel like my parents are on that journey or understanding to chase dreams, they played life more passive and safe and their a whole different personality to me. Now I feel like I'm failing at life or like a ugly man child and everything always felt out of my control, or that thing's couldn't be better given the circumstance.

[white knight]

Hi Albert

We've spoken previously about these topics so it raises another topic for me- dwelling.

Humans in particularly referring to those with mental challenges, can dwell on topics, we can go around in circles and not achieve much, maybe in the long term things can sink in but before that we can take years to move on from what bothers us. You are not alone in this, I have had that problem also see-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk/td-p/43088

Please read the first post of that thread.

So what concerns me is that much of what you are worrying about is not worth worrying about. For example- your education level that you feel is well below your achievement ability. I have year 10, been actively employed in the past and built my way up to run my own company. If we all got an advanced education who would clean the public toilets? do factory labouring jobs? No, advanced education is not for all, achievements can come in other ways.

You claim you are misdiagnosed. What do you think you can achieve here by mentioning that a few times when we have not got any ability here to assist you with that as we here are just like you, we have a mental health problem and we are not professional people.

In terms of money spent for running around, people drive to work and spend money on petrol and dont get paid for it. So, thats how things work.

I like how you have applied yourself here and sought answers to important questions, however, it is concerning that you seem to be "stuck" in a uncomfortable position in life and that dwelling on things, lack of ability to move forward and not backwards is hindering your progress. Perhaps therapy of a visit to your GP for the sole objectivity of finding ways to stop that dwelling could help you more than anything else.

What do you think?

TonyWK

[james1]

Hello Albert_247,

It's nice to meet you. It sounds like you are feeling very angry about the way you've been treated and lost on where to go from here. 

TonyWK has offered what I think is a fantastic way to reflect different on that secondary bit about what to do now. I'd be keen to hear what your thoughts are, so I will leave that point for the moment. I hope you don't mind.

One thing that struck me in your post was that you've been through a lot of experiences that have turned out to feel very isolating, demoralising and even damaging to your health. I understand that must cast a very bleak and grim shadow over your past, current and future life. Still, you made mention of having a positive attitude and I can see it peeking through even when you talk about becoming a Clinical Dietician.

While I understand it may feel like an impossibility, and I don't think it's my place to tell you otherwise, I hope that goal is something you can maintain and even find motivation in. I suffered from a very bad depression a number of years back and, even though it didn't feel like it at the time, the distant hopes and dreams often became reasons for me to just keep going one more day. It's funny to me now that one of my dreams was to make heaps of friends and be 'normal'. It hasn't happened, I doubt it ever will, but it's also not that important to me anymore. I guess the dream served its purpose, and I eventually found other things to care about.

Anyway, I hope to speak to you again if you like. Either way, the people on the forums are here to support you and hear what you have to say.

James

[Albert_247]

I hate being social since I'm a INFJ - T and very emotional and sensitive. Psychologically I hate always being the beta and against another persons confident bias perspectives or personality. Most people don't have humility and everyone can't disagree without being modernly offended. After being bullied in numerous ways for 11 years by school bastards I can't even forget them after 5 years of cutting ties. I hate being social with the world because there's no traditional thinking with anything anymore and people possibly have greater audacity to justify their bad behavior. It feels like being honest is more so controversial today and when you like anything of the past your made to feel old fashioned which doesn't feel nice to be told. I don't like speaking to society or any strangers off the internet because I don't know their nature and innocence and responses and I'm only familiar with interacting with my family. I've always disliked my father though and his added to a lot of internal resents and since his got tyrant dysfunctional traits and has greatly negative opinions about me and also confidently regurgitates that I'm socially inept I don't like him at all. I don't like his personality and his generation with his hostility differences. He lacks emotional intelligence and his not smarter than the construction labor trades and year 10. I have never been able to believe in myself also because I've lack financial direction and opportunities to start my life in general. 

[Albert_247]

I am almost 29 with no payed work history and just only 1 year of volunteering in something that I hated. I've spent all my twenties not knowing which entry jobs I want to work and I don't like any industries. I don't want to work sales, hospitality or to work in a factory. I'm with a job recruiter and I'm only telling her retail because it seems like a cliché thing that everyone else has had but I don't know wither it's for me. I don't want to be working labor or anything in construction. I'm not interested in any apprenticeships either. I don't want to be a entrepreneur or have my own business or work from home with freelance. I can't achieve University and I'm not eligible with only having Foundation VCAL from high school and I don't have enough interest in anything other than Dietician and Nutrition. I don't even have the motivation to study a certificate IIII or IV and even if I wanted University I'd have to achieve years of certificates and diplomas first and have more tuition and extra years of studying just for the same outcome of someone younger with a ATAR that did VCE. There's no point in doing Nutrition without attaining a degree or masters. I only got my driving at age 26 after having had numerous issues finding a driving instructor that I liked and I rarely drive since I'm un employed & without direction. I don't have high assurance with my driving abilities despite having a automatic standard license. I also am un happy because I am socially heavily introverted and very quiet and under confident, I'm rather avoidant or agoraphobic with strangers since I was bullied in total for a decade by high school poor friendship's. I'm living with a vain tyrant un caring father too and I only have my mother and twin brother and no one else in the world loves me. To make it worse I am a virgin still at 29 and I've never even had a female friendship, I have stretch marks and live with pre diabetes from pharmaceuticals since I am medicated for a severe mental illness that I don't agree with having for the last 12 years. Challenging the doctors is pointless because it's just a waste of time trying. I always feel beneath people wither it's my father or his nark sister or with prior toxic friends or dealing with the average person in society that can't disagree and have humility. Also being under a psychiatrist that would only exaggerate me most likely.

[Albert_247]

I've achieved nothing in my life by age 29. My only achievements is having my driving licence and owning a vehicle since 26, while having a year volunteering despite hating that job. I was bullied all during high school from 2008 to 2013 and than during all my twenties I never was going to University for quite a few reasons. I never wanted to do a apprenticeship or work any construction labor jobs. When looking at entry jobs I never wanted to work sales, hospitality, factory and even the thought of retail seems like it's just not my personality. I'm with my third job recruiter and it's sinking in not only how far behind I am with the work force, but how challenging it is to get a job at all. I also have low esteem because my father is terrible in my opinion, despite paying the bills and keeping behind the T.V.. I've literally been playing video games since I was around 12. I don't have good confidence with society, I don't like interacting with people because the world is diverse with personality & innocence and everything else and I find it hard to adventure in a world that doesn't care about anyone but themselves. I always had this interest to be creative in some way with music but I just don't have attributes like being egotistical, confident, I don't like attention too and I'm too sensitive and I never felt encouraged to pursue dreams, It seems like my parents just believed I'm rather special. I never enjoyed living with my Dad but I'm just with no understanding with how to do anything in life and I'm alone since I am either dependent on my family or never shown anything, since I'm told I should know for myself.

[Albert_247]

I question how much difficulties I'm going to have in my life, I am socially avoidant with society and heavily introverted. I don't like society because I generalize people as being vain, superficial, too confident, bias, often judgmental & secular. I am a sensitive INFJ  personality and likely to be misconceived as being possibly autistic for the way I handle my feelings or get bothered with people. 

I am turning 30 next year and I have no direction for which jobs I am suitable for and have limited entry opportunities. I also am not going to follow through with University for numerous reasons and I don't want to work any labor jobs or do a apprenticeship either.

I'm also heavily sick and tired of having to live with my father, I have no close relationship with him and I don't like him for quite a lot of reasons. I'm tired of being timid and financially dependent on him.

I also have always wanted to leave Australia for the U.S.A. for personal reasons but that seems virtually impossible when I'm the only one that wants to and when my family are different people with their own aspirations and thinking. I would need to ideally have a international marriage and similar prospects to happily move overseas.

[Albert_247]

So I am now turning 29 in March, not long away and my only income is just Centrelink DSP. I have over $45,000 of savings, I have my driving licence and own a vehicle, But unfortunately I've never had direction for which industries or entry jobs I want to work. I am realistic it's very hard to get a job when I have no work experience or net work to help me and with nothing on my resume despite a year of Salvo's volunteering and minimal assistance with brick laying. I only finished Year 12 high school in 2013 with Foundation VCAL and I am not eligible or even the academic devoted personality for University, despite having a interest in Nutrition, Counselling & Theology. 

I often get upset because since 7 years ago I was diagnosed with pre diabetes and I'm always angry about that and having to live this way now. I'm also under psychiatry treatment for a severe diagnosis that I don't agree with and they otherwise wrongly think I am something like asperges and it's absolutely not true. I love living with my family, but I hate my father and I am financially dependent on him. I also was bullied by high school crap friends that lasted for a decade and they impacted my confidence socially and they made my suffering worse by enjoying my misfortunes. They were undermining, hypocritical, speaking on my behalf, spreading rumours and calling me un wanted names and judging the way I was living and giving me labels that I had to be told quite frequently, they also were insensitive generally. I've had no contact for the last 5 years.

I always wanted to be creative with music or comedy aspirations but I blame my father and my school relationship's to ruin my esteem to ever try, and now with the involuntary pharmaceuticals I just feel I will never have confidence.