Hi everyone, I'm back.

[Guest_4643]

Hi everyone, mb20lover here. I wasn't sure where to post this.

It's been a while since I was on the forums, so I just wanted to make a post saying that I'm back. However, I'll try my best to limit my time, comments, etc on here.

I won't bother tagging anyone, and I'll try to keep this as my only open thread that I have created.

I've missed everyone I've spoken to on here, and I hope to talk to some new people. I have been using my offline supports - my Psychiatrist, GP, Parent support of course, and a Social Worker. I'm in the process of finding a Psychologist but I'm having no luck.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hello, and also I hope I haven't upset anyone on the forums or anything like that because nothing was intentional, so I deeply apologise.

An update on me, I recently turned 21, can't do much with COVID though, it's a hard year for everyone unfortunately.

I also have a milestone, an achievement, I've been seeing my Psychiatrist for a year which is the longest I've stayed with a therapist. And I also finally have a GP I feel comfortable with. I'm on different meds that seem to be working a little but I still of course have my moments, but these meds I've been on the longest for out of any of the ones I've tried.

Other than that, please don't feel pressured to comment anyone, although it would be nice to connect with some people, old or new, but like I said that's okay. I just wanted to check in.

If you've read this and made it this far, thank you. Stay safe and take care everyone, as much as possible with the unfortunate COVID circumstances.

Thinking of all the Beyond Blue Mods & Users. I've missed everyone.

- mb20lover.

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla I am sorry you get so anxous.I know anxiety makes everything harder.Thats nice you have a dog they are the best company and so loyal to their owner

[Guest_4643]

It does, and yes I agree

[Matchy69]

What would be something that would make you feel better even if it's only for a few minutes?Eating some watermelon that I grew has made me feel better.

[Guest_4643]

I'm not sure, I'm currently just looking up Boxing Day sales to see if any are still on. There's still a few.

That's nice that you grow Watermelon, it sounds like you have a nice Garden

[Matchy69]

I hope you find some bargains.I am just going to concertrate on the school stuff at the moment I have my daughter's last school fees to pay and it is $60 dearer then last year.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Mark.

Sorry to hear that, school fees are really expensive unfortunately

[Guest_4643]

This depression is so strong, i can't even describe it. I keep trying to think positive and whatnot but nothing is working. I can distract myself by doing something such as rearranging some things and the thoughts are still there. The SI & SH thoughts are so strong. I'm safe, just the thoughts. I've never done any of those anyway but I did attempt to SH a few months ago. I can't put it into words how I feel. I feel numb but I also feel the depression so intensely. I feel like I've been hit by something really huge, like a ton of bricks or something. My heart feels like it's in a million pieces like it has since I got mental health issues. I feel sorry for my body and my brain, I really do, but it's so hard. I feel like nobody understands, and wants to listen. I can't go to triage because they refuse to help me and are so rude, and I've never been to those places, I don't want to either. Maybe it's helped other people but I've heard very bad things about my local one, such as people getting abused by staff, patients, and other things. I hope I'm not triggering anybody, I just needed to vent. It's 2am as I type this. Helplines tell me to go away even before I can talk to someone. I can't join any groups or go anywhere to meet people, even before COVID. I've tried everything I can. I'm really trying my hardest and I feel like nobody can see that and no one understands. I have no one to talk to. I have my parents but they can only do so much, and yes they're supportive. People always get annoyed with me if I get clingy, depressing, whatever, but I can't help it. I just feel like I'm having a breakdown or something. I also don't feel with it, like I don't know what I'm doing and whatnot most of the time. I think my meds are part of that. I can't even see professionals until my appointments on I think the 11th or 12th, 18th, 26th or 29th, in January. And if I decide to see the recent psychologist I saw, that's not until February. I try so hard to cope on my own and not rely on people, professionals especially, but it's so hard. It's debilitating for me. I know people have things worse whether it's mental illness or not, and I feel sorry for those people of course. I feel selfish. I can say a lot but at the same time I can't think of the words. I can't describe how I'm feeling and the thoughts but it's so dark. My parents know everything and supportive, yes. I'm really scared. I'm sorry everyone. I don't know what to do

[Sophie_M]

Hi Tayla,

We're so sorry to hear that you are struggling with very difficult feelings and thoughts and that you feel misunderstood. It sounds very challenging. Please know that you deserve kindess and support like everyone else. We would strongly encourage you to keep getting the professional support you need and deserve and we hope you will be able to see a professional soon. Meanwhile, in moments of overwhelm, you can contact Lifeline 13 11 14 or you can visit https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat for online chat.

Please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero). 

[Guest_4643]

Hi Sophie.

i'm safe, i don't need to call 000, but thank you. I mentioned in my comment above that I'm safe and that even if I did call them, they'd take me to triage and I can't go there because they refuse to help me and when some ambulances came for my Mum last month (she's ok now), they were saying how bad the triage there is and I don't want to go there.

i try to use helplines but I get told to go away even if I make just in the waiting line and before I even speak. I'm not exaggerating anything, sadly it's true.

thank you for your reply however though. I thought it would be best to post it on my own thread.

i'm going to try and get some sleep now, I'll check back when I can. I'm safe.

[Matchy69]

Hi Tayla I am so sorry that you are struggling so much.I am so sorry I wish I had a magic answer for you and could make everything better but depression is so hard to fight but keep fighting as you are worth it.I just want you to know I am here for you and so are many others to support you.
Take care,
Mark.