Do not feed the monster

[Emotions26]

I am struggling to understand this website and find my way around

I have replied to some people

I think that two champions replied to my first two posts

I do not know where they are now

I have supported several posts of others

I have replied to one person I think today

I am resonating with several posts in different areas but cannot remember where they are

I am literally lost within this website as well as within myself

I am working very hard at keeping the dreaded "D" at bay which I have battled with too many times.

I have had this since young apparently

I have had large gaps of time where I am mostly symptom free I think

The monster is the dreaded "d"

It is also a relative whom I have had to relinquish her hold over me.

I have only learnt about this stuff recently so struggle talking about it.

So I think of do not feed the monster as in do not think of her. Or do not feel guilty or upset or worry or a thousand other things

Also do not feed the dreaded "d" as it lurks waiting

I will not find this piece again

[Emotions26]

ps

therising

I forgot to mention I think this is part of "the perfectionist me" that I am still struggling to come to terms with it having so much control over me.

Perhaps that might explain my ramblings more. Perhaps not.

Ems

[quirkywords]

The rising I like the email idea informing us of a new aspect of ourselves. 
I don’t know if a warning would help then I would worry until email arrived then I would be worried till I met new aspect of myself .

That’s me the future is unpredictable enough without forewarning. I maybe the only person who feel this way. .

[Emotions26]

Hello the rising,

Thank you again for taking the time to not only read my words; also think about what I wrote at length and reply in kind.

I seriously was not expecting a response at all.

Hidden over here all on my own in my do not feed the monster mode. Talking away to the new perfectionist spokesperson.

I resonate with your analogy there. I do not remember you telling me about this before and like yourself you might have done and “I” might have forgotten. Quite on the cards.

Yes it can be very challenging having conversations with a newly found deeper concept of me only to then receive a critique on how this new me must do better. Or even is this new me really me or am I confused again?

Yes exhausting; particularly the night time sessions when the head hits the pillow waiting for that feeling of bliss to take me off to slumberland.  Not so the mind thinks hmm I have full attention now and the memory, emotional, thought provoking, senses, sensitivity begins another play.

I have worked so very hard and really have overcome so much. Astonishing the depth of self I have discovered. Then just as I am savouring the smile of warmth about self,  perfectionist self spins off on another tangent and the old patterned thinking returns to try to dig it’s heels in and retake the reigns.

I am slowly climbing back up to clean the dust off of those cogs and start again. This time from a new place.

This is what helps me most knowing that the past is always memory no matter how horrid it can feel. The past meets the now and I am safe to breathe.

Thank you also for truly feeling for me.  I think that I read your response to another in my early days of not knowing what or where I was. I sense again that you are familiar with depth.

I hide over here for fear that I am too deep for most as I truly am in real life.

I have not been sleeping well at all and drag myself out of bed at all hours because one has to get up. This then follows through with retiring to bed later that evening.

The sleep cycle disturbed.

Last night absolutely no sleep at all.  Phone call to a helpline where I encountered a lovely spiritual lady and my black humour evolved. We laughed and I felt so at ease with her. There was a very special moment after the call when I tried to close my eyes. I experienced something that I never have before.  I did not sleep but I held the experience close and allowed myself to soak in the warmth and savour such energy , light, never felt before.  No sleep.  Vocal cat that would not settle. Bounding and skidding off of my bed and then inevitable scratching carpet. Eventually up to feed him at 6.00am back to bed no rest so up.

Here I am now in some stunned state of in between sleep and waking I imagine. Hopefully tonight.

Perhaps one day I can help you in some way.

Ems

[therising]

Hi Quirky

I completely get it, the stress or dread factor regarding the forewarning. Email or memo, either way, it can be like 'No, please, not another one. This is just too hard at times. Please, give me some super happy natures to easily adapt to for a change'. It's rarely ever that way though. 

For a good decade and a half you could say 'I never got the memo'. Part of the reason as to why I was stuck in long term depression was based on me being a bit of a binge drinker, which came with its own issues. So every time some depressing challenge came up, I couldn't necessarily feel it, based on alcohol leading me to feel otherwise. Even after I stopped drinking in such a way, by the time I hit 35, I still wasn't getting the memo. Suddenly, one day, I woke up to it. Every depressing episode comes with a memo, something along the lines of 'Your challenge is to wake up to a new facet of self or an old one that you've long forgotten about. Your reward for working hard through this challenge involves you meeting with a part of yourself that will come to serve you'. Working through a deeply depressing level of self hatred and resentment eventually woke me up to the need to love myself and find ways of doing it. Working through depressing periods in my marriage, where I was tolerating a soul destroying lack of joy and more, woke me up to the intolerant cow in me🐄😊, which mooooooves or motivates me to not settle for depressing cr** from people. Btw, so important to settle up not settle down in a relationship. Working through depressing periods of hope without change woke me up to the need to tap into the goal setter in me. Tony (White Knight) also woke me up to how simply waiting and hoping for change just isn't enough to take us out of a period in depression at times. Just some of the many facets I've woken up to over time. 

Quirky, I have a love/hate relationship with the memos. While I love the idea that new and powerful facets will continue waking up in me throughout my life, I hate the memo (the period of entering into a depression). It never comes with an explanation, like 'This is the part that will eventually be waking up or that you'll be waking up to...' or 'This is what the course will look and feel like, so be prepared'. Nothing prepares me. I can sometimes take weeks or months to work it out, through the depressing labour pains of giving birth to some new sense of self. Finally, out it comes. Happy birthday and thank god that's over, until the next time.

[therising]

Hi Ems

The amount of times I've thought 'What the hell is wrong with me?!', I've lost track of 😁. Perhaps it was the sage in me or some other aspect that led me to realise I've practiced channeling my inner critic so often to the point where practice has made perfect. I've become so good at it. It's kinda like having it on speed dial. Damn! Wish someone would have told me that was going to happen. A bit like a muscle, exercise it more than any other muscle and it becomes the strongest muscle in the body. Hang on...I can feel myself going into a gym analogy here.

With my son going to the gym, he'd say that each muscle is worked out or strengthened under specific conditions. You're not going to strengthen your biceps on a leg curl machine. So, what would be the perfect conditions for exercising the sage? Maybe some kind of 'Meet your inner sage' or 'Meet your divine guides' or 'Meet with your more conscious mind' guided meditation? Perhaps. Whatever we wish to meet with depends whatever camp we're in. If we're more into logic, it could be the inner sage camp or the more conscious mind one. If we're more so a soulful kind of person, could be about divine guidance and such. It's whatever it is we wish to imagine. Make your wish. The thing is, we have to pick otherwise we're tapping into nothing and nothing typically makes no difference. With nothing as a battle strategy, the inner critic or perfectionist in us has all the time in the world to come to life when we put our head down on the pillow at night or when we wake up first thing in the morning with them chatting away.

Ems, depth is a truly beautiful thing. It's the thing of philosophers, poets, imagineers, deep feelers and more. Some people suffer without it. Superficiality can become depressing in this world, leaving us with a longing to meet with depth and those who thrive on it. While I thrive on a sense of depth, I also thrive of pure nonsense. Pure nonsense is a funny thing and good for the soul. For example, if I pointed out that there is a ginger cat in your imagination wearing pink and white striped pyjamas, while also sporting semi high heeled black gumboots, you'd never know it existed in your imagination until I brought your attention to it. Can you see that cat? I hope it led you to laugh 😂. Of course, it's pure nonsense but amusing nonetheless. The imagination can definitely have a funny and sometimes liberating side to it.

What a beautiful experience, shared between you and the lady you met with on the phone. The fact that it left you with an experience so incredible, sounds like she touched your soul. Soul touches are beautiful things. Never or rarely ever experiencing them can leave us wondering 'What was that?'. Btw, you help me more than you imagine. For a start, when I sometimes feel like I'm losing faith in humanity, I think of you and those like you (such as Quirky, Tony, Grandy, mmMekitty and others) and remember that the world is truly a beautiful place, filled with depth, compassion, love and more. You also act as inspiration, given how hard you work in the way of becoming who you are going to be. 💖🙂

[Emotions26]

Hello the rising,

I remember some of your words as I read them again just now. Most have joined the other matter where confusion and fog reign in this brain of mine.

Do you know I cannot remember what the exact beautiful experience was as in her words. (The lady on the helpline I mean)I do remember the warmth and surprise that she was saying what she was to me. Yes, I was told many, many years ago, during a stay in hospital, that I had touched this young man's soul. He actually got another patient to write a letter to me expressing such. He was only about 18 I think. I was older than him but age did not impact the connection. It never does with me actually. It was the very first time that I had heard that expression. That was a gift that he gave me in telling me that as he thanked me for giving him the gift of touching his soul. Sitting outside on the grassed area of the garden, talking about life. Very innocent but listening to one another deeply. 

Good news I am not a perfectionist!  I am a person who is extremely hard on myself!! Very true. I can show compassion and empathy to others but I am so self critical and judgemental of self. 

You always write so beautifully to others. I read a couple more of your replies and let them be not wanting to intrude.

I am still dealing with the varying symptoms of prolongued trauma and I just ask myself some days.

What next?

I said to my therapist. Why did you not tell me that this was underneath all of the other stuff that I spent years and years and years working through????

I hope that you are managing well in your world as you give to many. A wandering rescuer scattering starlight.

Thank you

Ems

Good luck in understanding the enigma that I have left here. Call it a challenge or brain test.

[therising]

Hi Ems

While the brain is in the habit of measuring and processing everything, from age through to what someone does for a living, I believe the soul leads us to feel beyond all that stuff. We may fully feel and be inspired by the sage-like wisdom of a 4yo or a 90yo without discrimination regarding age. The soul breaks down boundaries, whether those boundaries involve discrimination, destructive beliefs (including the ones we have about our self) and so many other things that limit us. While some aspect of the ego may dictate 'You can't write a soulful heartfelt letter to someone who's virtually a stranger', the soul may insist 'Tell that person that they have brought you to life in ways that truly matter. It's important for them to know'. I'm so glad that young man listened to that part of himself and gave you the gift of knowing how you led him to feel. I imagine he will never forget you and the impact you had on him. Amongst the many things depression has taught me, one of the most important of those is I cannot live without a soulful perspective. I have tried in the past, living without 'All that woo woo sh**' as some like to call it, and it's just too depressing for me. These days I tend to question anyone who'd much rather I be depressed than believe in that kind of stuff. When you think about it, it's pretty messed up, certain things people expect from us or demand of us. Some things are definitely worth questioning.

I believe the critic in us can have both a bright or enlightening side and a dark side. How to manage the dark side of that facet of us can be one hell of a challenge at times and it can feel like hell on earth. While some may question my level of sanity, given the fact that I talk to the critic in me (not out loud, btw😁), I find this works for me at times. Whatever works, hey. On the bright side, if my inner critic insists 'You could have done a better job of that. Next time you need to...', I may say 'Good point. Thanks for the tip'. So, next time I follow the advice of my inner critic and I do better. On the dark side, our inner critic can have absolutely nothing positive to say, nothing constructive. If anything, it can be depressing, highly destructive and somewhat soul destroying. The inner dialogue could be something along the lines of 'You're hopeless. You will never amount to anything. Consider all the times you've failed at this kind of thing. Why do you even try?'. To this I would say 'Dude, you are incredibly depressing, leading me nowhere but down. Get the hell out of my head!'. Actually, I just realised after all these years that my inner critic has a masculine vibe to it. Hmmm, interesting. I imagine a psychologist would have an absolute field day with that one 😅. It's said that our inner critic can be comprised of all the critical things that have ever been said to us and is brought to life and fueled by those who feed it. We would never feed such poisonous stuff to others, yet we consume what may be fed to us at times. A diet of inspiration, deep connection and more is far healthier.

'A wandering rescuer scattering starlight', I felt that. Such words touched my soul with their beauty. You are beauty full. I now have visions of the 2 of us skipping along, pulling stars from our baskets to scatter for all to enjoy, while insisting 'Add these to your diet'. 🌟🌟😊💕

PS. I believe that sometimes when a mental health professional opens a kind of Pandora's Box, not even they know what's in there 'til they start rummaging around. Can be full of pain, surprises, revelations and plenty of things to wonder about.

[Emotions26]

I loved your reply the rising.

Please do not think that your words are of any less value than others to whom I reply.

Work hat mode seems to click in and demand me to respond in  order of replies received. Manners.

My brain seems to wave in certain directions. Has a mind of it's own!

Today is the anniversary of my mum passing two years ago.

Loss and grief are swamping me with this prolongued and disenfranchised stuff under the label of past, chronic or whatever Trauma. This is itself is doing my head in as I loathe labels, categories, boxes and so on when it comes to human beings. This you know about me.

I feel a need to write to reflection of my dad section to help others should they experience anything similar and question as well as oh yes judge themselves.

I also needed to reply to another where I am confused even more than usual from a response.

Oh to have a clear pathway in my thinking for longer than an hour or so.

Somehow I feel that you will understand this waffling. You have a way of weaving through the mish mash and creating responses that reach my depths.

So I will be back at some time when my waving brain allows.

Meanwhile, think of me skipping along side by side arms interlocked spasmodically as we spread our starlights.

Just writing that fills me with a momentary feeling of exhilaration in between the non stop flow of tears that releases the grief. My gosh how deep the well is.

Your friend Ems

Thank you for being here for me the rising.

[Emotions26]

Thank you for supporting my last effort at writing here quirkywords.

Very much appreciated.

I wonder if some people underestimate how much receiving a notification of support can help shift the heaviness of the dreaded "d".

I had just been speaking to someone at lifeline and the call was cut off. I wonder if this is call timing as was about 25 minutes; or the person did not want to listen and engage anymore or simply optus which is playing around with other phone calls and netflix at the moment.

I logged on to reply to the rising and found your support so you helped me more than you realise.

I hope that you are managing with your inner chat.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello the rising

I am back.

The dreaded "d" is winning currently. I have been holding it at bay with my back pushing hard and my feet anchored on the wall. Need more on my team I think. Tug of war in reverse.

This week has been messy. Anniversary of mum passing. Nightmares that twin actually visited and I let her in. So vivid! Frightening so I decided best not stay in bed and got up even though I wanted to sleep.

Sleep pattern is haywire not helping.

More bad news yesterday.  Another person gone! only 55 years old. 28 year old very pregnant daughter, soon to be mum of 3 devastated along with other siblings.

I cannot get the grief that they must be experiencing out of my head.

This is this blasted "empathy" "sensitivity" stuff that I no longer want. I cannot stop responding. Pattern of a lifetime. I tell myself not to that won't change anything. I tell my mind that I actually have more than enough of prolonged stuff (pile from the past) that I am working away at. So there is a stop sign. Take note of the boundaries that I have put up everywhere. How do you mind get to just barge straight through without noticing them?

I am angry with myself, with the world, with all of the cruelty that is happening.  

I turn the anger against myself and then start the talk again.

Distract but the heaviness takes no notice. Mind has worked out all about distractions.

Nature still helps a little although it is freezing! Then end up talking out loud to nature and birds.

I have a magpie that has been following me everywhere for a few days.

Oh this sounds so woeful.

How do you turn that dark side into lightness.

I can give out starlights from my basket to others but not myself. Mad isn't it. 

It is as though there is a stubborn voice in between the critical one and my response.

I must have created another one!

I loved the Dude

In regard to the masculine side that was interesting as I get on better with males and they with me than females. I cannot stand groups of girls.  Only girls who are different. 

Now I am rambling.

All of the stuff in our head is from what we have absorbed over the years. I refer to it as patterned thinking rather than inner critic.  Must have read a different book.

Time to stop waffling.

ems