Do not feed the monster

[Emotions26]

I am struggling to understand this website and find my way around

I have replied to some people

I think that two champions replied to my first two posts

I do not know where they are now

I have supported several posts of others

I have replied to one person I think today

I am resonating with several posts in different areas but cannot remember where they are

I am literally lost within this website as well as within myself

I am working very hard at keeping the dreaded "D" at bay which I have battled with too many times.

I have had this since young apparently

I have had large gaps of time where I am mostly symptom free I think

The monster is the dreaded "d"

It is also a relative whom I have had to relinquish her hold over me.

I have only learnt about this stuff recently so struggle talking about it.

So I think of do not feed the monster as in do not think of her. Or do not feel guilty or upset or worry or a thousand other things

Also do not feed the dreaded "d" as it lurks waiting

I will not find this piece again

[Emotions26]

Hello memememememem

Great minds think alike. I was laying in bed earlier this morning thinking about my next play on names and was mememememememememememememe Yours is far more interesting.

Well I think that we just need to go out together.  I am very happy to go to everything that you suggested. Eight ball is the only one that I know how to play at a basic level. I can shoot 3 into  a pocket in a row and an onlooker might think that I know what I am doing. Sheer luck. I then continue to play and the white ball is potted sadly even the black. Other times I just seem to chase the balls around the table. The game lasts quite a while much to the chagrin of those waiting to use the table. Live and let live. We are all entitled to play.

Swimming love love love. I used to love swimming under water in the pool when younger. Swim underneath all of those who took up space splashing. I love the ocean but do not feel swimming out past my height. I am not a surfer. Love watching the surfing and magnificent waves. Leave it to the surfers.

Photography is interesting and was a hobby of my father's. He was a member of a photography club in  the city where he worked and would take photographs in his lunch hour. He had many interesting hobbies. He also loved literature and copied many old verses of english literature. I have the hardback folder of his work. He learnt to speak basic german and to touch type 30 words per minute at home with no teacher. He would play games of chess against himself. All of this before computers. He loved gardening and walking. He played golf. He loved animals. I am very similar to my beautiful dad. I look more like him than my mum and have many of his character traits. He too was different. There are many differences as well as we are all unique aren't we. Thank goodness.

I love walking and observing. Love nature which is my calming world. Observing and listening. Love studying people in the crowds more than watching a game of sport.

You already know that I love language and am pushing myself to attend a meeting of the writing group. They are making huge changes to get more members. Not keen on that. Will go regardless. ONe never knows.

I used to enjoy eating out at different places trying different recipes. These days most places have everything deepfried or overwhelmed with flavours and sauces. Grumble grumble.

I love cooking when in the mood. Experimenting not following recipes.

I love museums and art galleries. I love churches, cathedrals, grave yards. I love castles, old manors, history , history, history.

We could have fun couldn't we.

Well the real world has just woken me up and is calling me as the morning is slipping by.

I think that you are incredible meme. I love your holding onto the purring for comfort and memories of your loved one. That is special.

Your persistence and determination in living life to the fullest in your way is so encouraging and a reminder to those of us who fall under the grips of the "monster" that there is so much in life that we still can have. We must never stop looking and discovering the joy of what really is life. We do have to stop and rest, find our breath, breathe, rest, reassure ourselves, then get up, move. This I do constantly. I did yesterday and actually surprised myself how I managed to get out of a very dark opening to a chasm into a state of me.

Discovery.

Thank you for being in my world.

ps

I had treated myself to some linen sheets and pillowcases when they were on special. Washed and dry on the line ready to be brought in. Higher up watering my plants that are still thriving and some not so healthy. Down to the washing line to bring the washing in. I had managed to water the sheets as well! A bit like when I have  a shower and water myself. I almost drown everything with my hand held shower nozzle!

Took sheets in and laid across top of settee where sun pouring in through the windows. Carefully setting them out to benefit from the warmth of the sun. Started cooking dinner. Wandered into the living room and lo and behold guess who was staring at me with  an I am very pleased with myself look on his face. He has not been up on the settee which has a cover on especially for him for weeks. I have tried to coax him moving cushions making a special  more than  enough room for him to no avail. Who is boss I wonder?

Hope you have even a little bit of fun today

Big hug back

Em

[mmMekitty]

Hello Em,

We could indeed have some fun going out to new places. You'd probably get me to be more adventurous than I'd usually be.

I thank you for your kind words, complimentary to me as they are, but the truth is I haven't lived my life to the best & fullest as I might have. I've spent decades 'existing', drifting about like a cork on the water, without direction or ambition, or any belief in myself that I could achieve anything or be any good to anyone, including myself.

Over the last 15-20 years I actually feel I could possibly, just maybe, like myself & manage to actively do anything for myself, to care about & for myself.

Getting on in my years, just having lived for several decades, I feel I can cope better, when something happens to upset me, I deal with it better - experience teaches us more than we realise. Time may not cactually heal, but it can help us deal.

My eye is irritating me, so I must say goodnight, happy dreams, & hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello. Mmm

It I s so very easy for those of us who have had our self esteem torn to shreds to be o ur own worst critics.

Humans generally waste time. Humans frequently take years to work out what they want.

You made it.

You are courageous and inspirational noMatter how long it took.

You have achieved much in everything that you wrote in your reply.

You still have a sense of humour.

 You still want some fun. Some people never get there.

I hope that your eye is feeling better. You do very well managing and still looking forward to more from life

Be nice to mememene.  Xx

Em

[Emotions26]

Hello Mememe,

I have not noticed your paw prints about the place in my familiar haunts.

That is not to say that you are not snuggled up safely only to found by a selected, longtime trusted few as should be the case when needed.

I am hoping that you are well in mind and body.

Please take care of yourself.

You give to so many on here. If needed remember to give to yourself.

I have to remind myself of this daily.

I am now Ems no longer Em as I discovered another Em on here. Can't confuse people any more than I already do.

Ems

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems

I appreciate that you have thought of me, wondering how I am. These last few weeks haven't been easy, with a new med making me tired, (but it does help my legs), my irritating eye, the horrible news I've seen on tele, trying to get forms filled & signed, just being busier these last few months. I'm still sorting out my support workers again, while wanting to go out to the gym & hydrotherapy, shopping & still find time for other appointments & not yet having help with decluttering my place & finding somewhere else I can safely & more comfortably live.

Maybe all that adds up to excuses, when the truth is I find it difficult to come to BB & see so many people in need of one sort or another, or maybe needing a lot of help, maybe also, I feel I don't know how to help. It gets very difficult for me. i can take an hour to think of what to say in response to one post, then have a break then want to say 'hi' to some people, then it's late, & I have meds to take, & I'm getting the firedness that feels like I'm about to crash, so that's it for one day. Next day I might be going out & when I return, I'm already tired.

My memory is definitely a factor to consider, too. I have to reread so much these days, having forgotten what I read last time. More time doing that....

Thank you, too for the opinions yu have about me. I still find it difficult to accept such praise & compliments from people. Now, I'm doing my best to not jump straight into denying or rejecting such praise & compliments. Instead, I happily say, "Thank you", because I have no reason to suspect you were not sincere in what you said. What would you have to gain by hollow flattery?

Stay thoughtful, truthful to yourself, resilient & strong.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello mmemme,

Yes, yes, yes to everything that you wrote. This is in response to thinking about how wanting to reply. Then having to reread what was written. I have my response on a word document with the internet page minimised so that they sit side by side. Still swallows up hours and hours writing three replies today.   Draining.  I do not get anything done.   I then have to talk myself out of feeling so very, very disappointed with myself.   My doctor tells me to get outside as much as I can.    He does not like me sitting at computers for long hours, understandably.    The real world is not like that for those of us that reply with thought and yes, length.

I am appalled at the lack of support you are receiving in trying to obtain support.  That is outrageous.  It is apparently very bad within the aged care system as well, I have heard.  People  waiting ages to get packages often too late.   Why are you having to follow up with your own support workers?   I am sure that they take fees for management out of your funding.   If this is distressing to discuss as well as time consuming do not feel that you have to reply.   Save your precious time for replies where you feel lighter after writing to others.

Well done in now saying thank you to compliments.  I remember how hard it was to reach that stage myself.  Decades.   Damaged self esteem takes it's toll and we have to work hard to believe in ourselves, respect ourselves as we do with others.   Saying thank you only now still seems hollow sometimes depending on what the compliment is and from whom.  I occasionally slip back into the passing the compliment on to another; not possibly applying to myself.  To achieve the thank you stage is a great leap forward. 

I would not waste my energy on hollow flattery, mmeeme.  I am the person in the room who remains silent when I sincerely cannot offer a compliment that is not the truth.  I have to be honest.  Sometimes best to remain silent.

I am working on reminding myself how much resilience and strength I have when the days flow where I feel like nothing.  So your words mean much.   Thank you.

Your words read that you know when you need to rest.  Remember to check in on yourself also.

Hugs

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello Ems

I felt like writing to myself.

I found this again under my profile.

Incredible that it is a year ago this very month that I started this piece.

Much has happened within 12 months and there have been significant changes.

Some good some not good.

The monster depression is now aware that I recognise it lurking in the shadows, randomly trying to creep up on me like a taunting child in the playground. Stay put I am not feeding you depression.

Anxiety grips it's claws into me without notice. Less frequently though.

Grounding and paying attention to all of my  senses helps me here.

My amygdala is permanently switched on.

All sensory perception in heightened mode.

I am aware and working through this.

Grief and trauma are my unfriendly, unkind hangers on these days.

I have managed to gradually climb out of the numbness thankfully. That was absolutely horrid.

Prolonged grief and disenfranchised grief so I have been diagnosed with are not friends.

They are not nice at all and play very unfairly.

Trauma is a whole different kettle of fish. This one does my head in.

Still thinking about some words that come even close.

Nothing springs to mind.

Definition ..........."Trauma is the emotional, psychological and physiological residue left over from heightened stress that accompanies experiences of threat, violence, and life-challenging events. Traumatic experiences overwhelm your capacity to cope."

Life is definitely one big challenge.

I have found my dark humour which is becoming even darker depending on the circumstance.

Enjoying that as I delve even deeper within.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Well the monster is back again temporarily until something works and it gets on it's bike.

All of the usual self talk and strategies are not working tonight. Not that they always work anyway.

Thought to self.

Write.

Why not write on here?

MIght help someone else if they can find it.

Found another who had not yet had a reply.

Replied, hopefully did not say too much like I usually do.

I have a pattern of replying to posts not yet answered and on most occasions I do not get replies.

In fact they do not write again.

A bit concerned about that. Have I said the wrong thing?

How can one know though? One cannot.

Dilemma with mental illness is different for each of us and none of us can possibly know what another is really thinking despite reading what they have written.

So I feel that I would want a response if I had written a new post. I wrote a reply and hopefully helps in some way.

I have made some connections on here which is good. It has been a year now.

Just feeling hard on myself which is what happens.

The perfectionist me, that I have just had confirmed by my specialist, is actually all of me not just work me!

Did not need that.

Something else to work on.

No I am not feeling sorry for myself.

I am expressing my feelings and thoughts here as a form of some release.

No I do not feel a victim.

I feel what I feel.

Enough.

Bedtime.

Ems

[therising]

Hi Ems

I think life would be somewhat easier if we got an email stating 'Next week you will be meeting with some new facet of yourself. Be prepared. This one is going to test you, it's going to require some hard work and your full attention on certain occasions. You will be assisted through further emails, so stay tuned. The facet of you that you'll be meeting with is...'. Or maybe it would be an email talking about some part that's going to resurface but this time around we'll be receiving help with it. Unfortunately (an understatement), we're left to wonder 'What the hell is wrong with me and why am I struggling so much, especially with my inner dialogue?'.

Not sure if I've mentioned before the idea of an old style wagon wheel. I have a shocking memory at times, so please forgive and feel free to skip ahead if I'm repeating myself 🙂. If the hub represents our core sense of self, there are all the spokes/facets that stem from that. All goes toward making up the whole of who we are. There can be the perfectionist and the hard worker. Other spokes may represent the intolerant upstanding part of who we are, the adventurer, the pessimist, the victim, the sage, the wonderer (that is triggered to life through a sense of wonder) and on it goes. Some have the potential to be triggered to life under certain circumstances and some can be consciously channeled at will. That 2nd one's much harder to achieve. As long as we're on this earth, new facets will regularly come to life, ones we haven't met with yet. Some will feel truly divine and some will make life feel like hell on earth. Each has it's own unique dialogue and feel to it. For example, while our brutal and depressing inner critic may painfully dictate 'You're hopeless, you're pathetic. How could you have been so stupid, so weak?', the sage in us, with it's kind and nurturing tone, may insist 'You are being way too hard on yourself. You deserve kindness and compassion. Gift these things to yourself without hesitation'.

I figure I don't have to fully believe this is how I work, all I need to do is simply imagine (if that's what works at times). The imagination is a highly undervalued resource. And while each of the spokes of self is not an actual person, we could still label each as a 'spokes person', for they are spokes or facets that speak to us in either positive or depressing ways. As long as we don't get too carried away by what we choose to imagine, there's no harm done. Btw, it must feel like hell at times, to have the perfectionist as a full time companion. While the adventurer may suggest 'That looks like a great adventure. You should go', the perfectionist/critic could dictate 'You'd never be able to make the most of that'. The cleaner in you could lead you to do a brilliant job, with the perfectionist dictating 'Not good enough!'. And while you could have offered the most heartfelt, loving and beautiful words to someone, the perfectionist could perhaps say 'You could have said it better than that'. I imagine it's an exhausting and somewhat depressing facet to be living with full time. I truly feel for you. ❤️

[Emotions26]

Hello therising,

Nice to hear from you again.

Or did I read your response to another?

A while ago now.

No matter.

I know that I like your style of thinking and replying.

Deep like me.

I find myself reading over your writing several times.

So

I cannot take in what you are saying at the moment.

That has nothing to do with you as I said, I like the way you write and want to absorb and wander off on a journey within before I answer.

I disappear within my imagination or moreso my depth frequently.

At the moment something is happening that is giving me  a feeling to not delve deeply but to rest.

I will write back to you when I am in a better place.

Thank you for writing back to me, writing to myself.

Nice

Ems