Do not feed the monster

[Emotions26]

I am struggling to understand this website and find my way around

I have replied to some people

I think that two champions replied to my first two posts

I do not know where they are now

I have supported several posts of others

I have replied to one person I think today

I am resonating with several posts in different areas but cannot remember where they are

I am literally lost within this website as well as within myself

I am working very hard at keeping the dreaded "D" at bay which I have battled with too many times.

I have had this since young apparently

I have had large gaps of time where I am mostly symptom free I think

The monster is the dreaded "d"

It is also a relative whom I have had to relinquish her hold over me.

I have only learnt about this stuff recently so struggle talking about it.

So I think of do not feed the monster as in do not think of her. Or do not feel guilty or upset or worry or a thousand other things

Also do not feed the dreaded "d" as it lurks waiting

I will not find this piece again

[Emotions26]

I feel that I am best over here on my own. My vessel of giving love has completely dried out and is gathering dust.

I am working hard to deal with the latest label of prolongued chronic trauma with prolongued loss and grief.  What a mouthful!

Who dreams up these titles??   I loathe labels but know when I need to take heed an listen.  Be aware.

Trauma of course is an umbrella for the normal depression, anxiety and other gremlins.

The hardest part in all of this is the no warning of “on this day I will be overwhelmed with emotions.”    “On today's menu we have non stop tears then puff they disappear as soon as they arrive.

Of course they have done their job and left me feeling drained. So many ways to feel drained as if there are not enough.

Then there is depression that lurks waiting to slide in and consume.  Facial features freeze and eyes look lifeless

Anxiety hovers over waiting to clutch my chest and sometimes take away my breath. Speech changes sometimes taken away from me

How the world sees me and so many others is as:

• not coping
• weak
• negative
• lazy
• incapable
• have not learnt anything from all of the years of therapy
• need to distract
• need to meditate
• need to be positive!
• need to help others!
• need to stop overthinking! That one probably takes the prize!
• Toughen up
• Be strong
• Be brave
• go outside!
• you are not alone!
• so much worse going on in the world
• get a grip
• read this...........

share your story   .. too long....too depressing...too negative... then read the list above and change

therapy session time is up!  left with flood of emotions from opening up

No I am not negative   I am actually optimistic

No I do not hang onto labels and diagnoses or even self diagnose.   Sometimes phrases need to be verbalised to be able to explain what is going on within me.

No I am not thinking of doing anything to myself..  I am safe.

I do not want to be in this world any more though.

I have had trust violated and ripped out from me too often from those who greedily want my listening ears...my silence...my company...my words of comfort....Evil is everywhere. 

Keep on moving the boundaries.

The latest visual boundary was so big and solid I thought would be impossible to penetrate.

Huh.  Darkness can seep through anything.

Where has all of the light that people talk of gone? 

I am not weak.  I am very strong.  I have survived so much.   I have helped myself out of the murky mire and risen stronger.

Still seen by others as the same.

That is what being different and having too much sensitivity, love, heightened sensory perception and larger than life depth that is bottomless does.

Miserable wretch best hide here to not upset others

I cannot even respond where I want to on here as my words drip with darkness

[therising]

Hi Ems

I must start with my deepest apology, in regard to not responding to your last post in your thread here. Not sure what happened there, whether I missed it or I thought 'I'll get back to Ems' and my mind failed me in leading me to remember to do just that. I feel terrible about it. Here I am now, thinking of you and feeling so deeply for you.

I wish I was sitting beside you, so that you could say whatever you want and express exactly how and what you're feeling in you mind, your body and your soul. With you having made such a beautiful and positive difference to those who come to the forums here, I wish I had the ability to make the same difference for you. I wish I could pull the deeply challenging emotions from you along with the trauma and the memories, so that you could be free from them. I wish, with all my heart, I had this incredible ability because of beautiful people like you who can suffer so much at times.

You are absolutely right when it comes to how deeply sensitive people can be misjudged. They can be seen as delicate of weak ('You need to toughen up and stop being so sensitive' grrr😠, hate that one). They can be seen as damaged or broken. Imagine if all the insensitive people in this world could sense in more thoughtful, loving and highly conscious ways. I don't believe natural sensitives would have all that much of a problem anymore. Through the eyes of insensitive people, our incredible ability to sense is not seen as our ability but our 'fault' instead. How unfair is that?! It feels like an absolute rip off, to tell you the truth. We gotta become a bit cheeky I think and occasionally say to one of those insensitives something along the lines of 'How is it my fault I can feel you being a complete a*****le? Tell me, seriously! You know if you were less inclined to be this way I wouldn't feel it' 😂

From my experience, I've come to see depression or a depression as a deep well (depression in the ground). You can't necessarily feel yourself on the brink. You may not even feel yourself having gone in. At some point though, you can feel yourself in there. And there is absolutely nothing that compares to the absolute depths of that well. Rock bottom is mind altering and a form of torture, where (when you look up) there is not even a pinprick of light and the dark inner dialogue becomes so incredibly dark and convincing. Anyone who says to a person in the depths 'You just need to get on with life' has never been in that place. On the other hand, anyone who says 'Let me sit with you for a while, in the darkness, so that you don't have to feel what 'alone' feels like' has been there. The depths of depression can feel like the loneliest place on earth. ❤️

[quirkywords]

Ems26

thanks for your last post. I can relate to people seeing one as one rhino often negative but we see ourselves as something  different.  I too am different and have a lot os sensitivity, I see others as being lacking in sensitivity. You are strong and so supportive to many on the forum. 
Thank you for being you. 

[Emotions26]

Hello quirkywords

I have to agree with you when your say     I see others as being lacking in sensitivity

I am finding that people in general are more self absorbed as the world speeds up in all facets.

People like us are almost left by the wayside as we are not like the accepted ones

Whilst this can affect me mostly for all of difference, I reassure myself that I never need lower my values and become one of the sheep

Thank you for noticing me  

Your sensitivity touches me and to be thanked for being me warms my heart.

Take care

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello The Rising

My reply to you was quite some time ago. I had in fact forgotten that it was here myself.

Please do not fret on my behalf.

I know that you are busy supporting others

Thank you

Ems

[Emotions26]

It has been some months now since I last expressed my feelings on here; as in not replying to others; more writing about what is happening for me on here, as one form of release.

Hmm long sentence.

I can't be bothered being grammatically correct and that would defeat the whole purpose of my writing here.

In real life I spend time delving into which emotions I am feeling and where I feel them physically.

I am learning to not allow anxiety take control as major anxiety has lived within me for many years now

I have had therapy originally being referred to a psychoanalytical psychotherapist for Long term undiagnosed Clinical depression.   What a mouthful.   Labels I do not like and only refer to them if needing to explain.

Yes I like to be literally correct.

I have learnt so much about myself through therapy over a very long period.  Having breaks after lengthy periods.  

I have recently challenged my therapy yet again and between my psychotherapist and myself a decision was made to have a break of sorts.

It was quite empowering and weird at the same time.

My therapist discussed with me that it was my therapy for me to have as I wanted and discuss as always what I want.

This is still new.

The break though was incredible.

I found that despite hearing how strong I am for so long and clearly not absorbing that information I actually felt strong.

I felt very connected with myself.

Momentarily as in for a few weeks.

Then I knew that the familiar emotions started to emerge and reach heights where I knew that I needed support still.

I am now having less sessions and still adjusting to my being so open about my therapy.

Where am I at now.

I have not a clue

How do I feel about that?

Good.

I feel that I have shifted again within myself and that in itself is a good sign.

I am more in touch with me which still feels weird.

Noticing and focussing on what is going on in my body as these symptoms arise; when I am able to , is creating change both internally and externally.  Quite liberating to not feel so much fear in what is happening to oneself.

We are taught in society to treat symptoms.

We are not taught to let them happen (if safe to do so) and feel them and tell ourselves that we are safe with our own feelings. Anxiety is about fear.

Traumatic feelings being triggered is different again and when this happens I know not to focus on them, more acknowledge and use different strategies to calm myself and stay safe once the fear/flight/fight/freeze has settled. This can take some time.

Our minds and body are quite incredible.

Our brain really does look after us.

I still self isolate mostly other than medical appointments.

I came back here because I was thinking about the title of this thread.

Do not feed the monster

After all of this time I find that title encompasses so many aspects of life

I did not realise at the time how many "monsters" there are within and without and about.

Another lengthy discussion to be had another time.

Yes I talk to myself frequently.

I listen.

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Ems,

It sounds really positive having those feelings of connection with yourself and the shifts you describe, which means things are moving within you. I feel that's always a good sign.

I too have been noticing symptoms arise in the body. It is so true what you say, that we are taught to treat them but not to let them happen, yet it is the happening where we find release, even if that is a process over time. I have been listening to a YouTube channel called the Mindful Gardener where the presenter, Sam Miller, talks about the allowing of feelings and emotions. It is the allowing where the healing takes place, not through treating, controlling, striving, suppressing or trying to remove the feeling or emotion as some kind of pathology, but letting it have expression and to just be there. It's like we have been so conditioned to not allow things to just be there and we also often have an aversion to it if it feels uncomfortable/painful (which is understandable). But the allowing of the feeling to exist and be is what gives it a chance to breathe and the system to recalibrate. When there is a lot to process, that recalibration may be gradual over time, but it's like letting nature take its course at a pace that works for our system (which nature knows how to do if we let it do its thing).

I couldn't agree more with you that "Our minds and body are quite incredible. Our brain really does look after us." I have found enormous help from allowing somatic processes to unfold in the body, but I am also learning that my mind can self-heal as well (and the two, mind and body, are inextricably linked). Over the past several months I've learned I most likely have OSDD/partial DID, a dissociative disorder in which there are differentiated parts of self I experience as other people. And what amazes me is how, if I just let them, they begin to self-heal with me. We are a co-operative team with really good and caring communication. I have disparate parts too that we are also working on healing as a team, and those disparate parts have needed calm, patience, compassion and, once again, just an allowance to be there. These disparate parts can be extremely full on at times in terms of past trauma material, and I wonder if they are anything like the inner monsters you mention (as mine can be like monstrous entities), but I have gained confidence that my inner system can handle these parts and is progressively doing so over time.

Anyway, I just connected with what you wrote. I do think there is an organic process that will naturally unfold if we let it, and the more we can just let things be to do that, the more we naturally heal. It progressively restores us to the essence of ourselves that has always been untouched by whatever traumas we have been through.

Wishing you a peaceful day,

Eagle Ray

[Emotions26]

Hello now you have my attention Eagle Ray.

Firstly I must say, (before I forget - a strong likelihood) that I immediately looked up The mindful gardener by Sam Miller.

Well ! I was invited (not just me anyone doing as I did) to a zoom link dance party on Sunday afternoon at 3.30pm.  I nearly fell off of my chair with surprise. Not at all what I was expecting. This also came with a monthly cost. The zoom link party that is not my falling off of a chair which most likely would come with a different kind of cost.

I might have to look elsewhere on the expansive world of internet.

Back to my being so intrigued with your words.

You encapsulated a fair amount of what I was trying to say.  Your piece was far more eloquent and informative. Mine rambling thoughts onto a page (not paper)

I actually thought that it was safe for me to regurgitate a small part of what I had been going through not yet able to refine it into anything of any substance.  

I felt that I would be invisible here and therefore not be seen as losing the plot.

Thank you so much for stamping out that negative thinking. Yes the programmed brain.

We have met before haven't we. I just realised as I wrote these words.  Was it on a thread by quirkywords?

I can't remember the title and have no hope of finding it. I remember thoroughly enjoying the interraction with a few on there and humour abounded.

You certainly have my interest and I would love to hear more from you; acknowledging writing only what you are comfortable sharing with me.

You have quite a complex and interesting diagnosis and I was very impressed about your thoughts on such and how you communicate with yourself.

Yes I am curious now about my inner monsters.

You have given me a different slant, perspective to explore myself further.

How i love digging and delving within.

A visual representation appeared in my mind then of my past english jack russell who used to  dig in my back garden. Soil flying everywhere. She was so focussed and dug with such purpose almost frenzied.  I would give her a bone and she would race around and around with it in her mouth not eating. Dropping it occasionally as she tired. Scooping it up just as quickly and then the digging would commence. She often was so absorbed that she forgot to bury the bone itself which I would eventually take off her to avoid over exhaustion.  I then realised that the idea of giving her a special bone as a treat was not a treat at all for her. It was a journey frought with anxiety. I wonder if she caught it off of me?!

Yes you certainly connected well and your words tell me that you are a good reader absorbing not only the words but what might be the meanings behind them.  Quite rare.

I also loved how you connected such a concept with Nature which is my healing sanctuary. My peaceful retreat within myself where I am safe.

So thank you again for such a well thought out, kind response.

I also want to thank you for sharing with me some of your own inner experiences. You have experienced trauma also.

For me trust is a major issue.  I feel honoured that you trusted me to reply as you did.

I would love to hear more from you when you have the time.

No rush.

Should the feeling arise and lead you back here.

Take care as well.

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Ems,

I just worked out what you came across re: The Mindful Gardener. What I was looking at by them was their YouTube channel which is free to access by anyone, but what you ended up at was their website. Sam and a guy named Helmut seem to run a support community for people with certain conditions, but I really don't know much about them. I came across their YouTube channel by accident. Basically the theme that runs through the videos they make is what you were talking about - how our minds and bodies have inbuilt natural healing capacity, that they naturally heal in the right conditions through a process of simply allowing that to happen. One of the recent videos was about how we are our own best healer, and it kind of fitted with what you were saying about realising your own healing potential. I am taking a break myself from therapy at the moment just as you did. I am seeing what I can do, just allowing processes to unfold, and quite a lot of unfolding has happened already with a few things getting processed.

I don't think you are losing the plot at all Ems and I think you are making a huge amount of sense. Yes, we have met on other threads but I can't remember all the context. It could be one of Quirky's threads. I do remember something humorous I think. I have some memory of discussing the inner critic and humorous solutions for what we would like to do with our inner critic. I can't remember specific examples but they might have been things like sending them in a rocket into space 🤣, though I'm not sure if that was a specific example.

By mentioning my own dissociative condition, I certainly wasn't suggesting you have one. But there is a line of thinking now that we all have parts to some extent that can do their own thing at times. In my case they have just gone as far as emerging as differential identities (actual other people), but were always there as strongly dissociative states from a very early age. I really had trauma from birth, but some of the worst stuff was from about 3-8. I was watching a video earlier that explained that it's now understood that we all have dissociative parts early on, but that these parts form into a single identity around the ages of 5-9. For people with early trauma, they keep things separate in parts. This way, certain parts can hold the trauma and other parts handle various roles, allowing the fronting self to keep functioning in the world. It's actually an ingenious survival mechanism that activates on its own to protect us. If interested in learning more about dissociative conditions, I can highly recommend the YouTube channel by the CTAD Clinic (CTAD standing for Complex Trauma & Dissociation). They are a UK based clinic with many informative videos.

That is an interesting story about your dog. It's quite a good analogy for how we can dig and dig in a frenzy, but sometimes it's when we let got and just be that the things surface that are there to address and then they work themselves out naturally, in the supportive context of our compassion towards them.

Nature is so important to me too. I went out for almost 5 hours today as my nervous system is still trying to recover after a very bad experience with EMDR almost 3 months ago now. I am still decompressing from it, and nature is the place I feel most held and where my nervous system has a greater chance of recalibrating. I lay down on a couple of benches along the way. At one of them there was the sound of a temporary stream from recent rain trickling into the river with bird calls around as well. It was like one of those relaxing nature CDs, but it was the real thing.

Trust is a major issue for me too - as in super major! I would love to say more but I think I might be near max word count but happy to chat further. Thank you for your kind words. Warm wishes, ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Ems,

I was just watching some more of the Mindful Gardener channel and I didn't find it so helpful and disagreed with some of it. Apologies if you tried to watch it and it wasn't helpful. One of the presenters was saying certain things are bad that I have found helpful and I found him unsettling to listen to, whereas the other presenter I find I really connect with what she says.

I think what I am learning in everything is that it comes back to listening into yourself and what your system needs. I think that's why being in touch with yourself, as you describe above, is so important. It's so easy to give up our power to looking beyond ourselves for answers but we often already know them at some level. Perhaps we are both making that shift to hearing our own internal knowing. It's like learning to trust ourselves.

With my dissociative parts, what has been helpful is that I can see parts of myself quite clearly now that were often invisible or obscured before. I can have a clearer relationship with parts of myself, including befriending my own internal monsters. I have found that by communicating even with these more difficult parts, finding out what their feelings and needs are, I can actually begin to heal them and they begin to integrate instead of being disparate and troublesome.

I hope you are having a peaceful weekend,

ER