Do not feed the monster

[Emotions26]

I am struggling to understand this website and find my way around

I have replied to some people

I think that two champions replied to my first two posts

I do not know where they are now

I have supported several posts of others

I have replied to one person I think today

I am resonating with several posts in different areas but cannot remember where they are

I am literally lost within this website as well as within myself

I am working very hard at keeping the dreaded "D" at bay which I have battled with too many times.

I have had this since young apparently

I have had large gaps of time where I am mostly symptom free I think

The monster is the dreaded "d"

It is also a relative whom I have had to relinquish her hold over me.

I have only learnt about this stuff recently so struggle talking about it.

So I think of do not feed the monster as in do not think of her. Or do not feel guilty or upset or worry or a thousand other things

Also do not feed the dreaded "d" as it lurks waiting

I will not find this piece again

[Emotions26]

Hello Eagle Ray

Many apologies for not replying sooner.

Yes the dreaded d as well as prolonged trauma that keeps on rearing it's monstrous head without warning.

This is harder to deal with than the d. Then again when the dreaded d consumes I feel nothing.

Trauma which I now loathe the sound of the word, is to me just a word that encompasses every unpleasant emotion one does not want to experience, multiplied.

It is not that I have not grieved, I have. I have just experienced loss after loss without time to breathe whilst in the grieving moment.

Weary and draining, exhausting.

I think that I confused you with one of my replies.

I am not actually dissociated within my mind as a diagnosis.

I use the word dissociating as a way of describing how it feels. I have dissociated as in desensitised, degeneralised and I forget the other one on and off throughout my life so I have been told by my therapist.

Another way would be for me to say that I feel fragmented.

What you are experiencing is huge and I admire your courage in examining how you are feeling and impacted.

No need to apologise about the programme. For me I struggled to listen to the speakers.

I have probably mentioned this so many times but I also have heightened sensory perception in all senses.

I am complex and different which I now accept.

The rest of the world needs to catch up and I am not going to hold my breath.

I have been lately exploring my fear which is part of the trauma umbrella fuelling anxiety.

I am working on new visuals and strategies which are helping in the moment.

This will pass I know and I will have to find a new strategy.

My mind knows me too well and works out when I am applying a familiar strategy. So I have to keep one step ahead.

Weird; not to me; for others reading perhaps.

I do hope that you find some comfort within contending with such an active mind. 

Mine is not silent for long. 

Then again I would not be as curious as I am if I was not who I am.

I like the sound of who you are; not diminishing the intensity of what you experience.

I hope that you feel less alone with your finding new ways to improve your day to day existence.

Take care and thank you again for your kind words

Sophia

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sophia,

No need to apologise re: reply. I totally understand those impacts of depression and trauma. I understand what you are saying, that you feel fragmented but are not diagnosed with a dissociative condition. Trauma is truly such a fragmenting experience isn't it.

I have heightened sensory perception too. I've needed to wear a hat and sunglasses indoors when I've lived with others at times when I couldn't manage the overhead light at night. On my own now I can choose to have a lamp on instead. I think others think I'm weird that I wear sunglasses in cloudy weather. I'm also diagnosed with hyperacusis, though that's improved over time. I think trauma can sensitise our nervous systems.

Good on you for the courage of exploring your fear. I have read that curiosity shuts down the trauma circuits in the brain, at least temporarily, like both can't be active at once. So hopefully the curiosity of you being in exploration mode will help. I have found with myself that even just acknowledging that fears exist often helps to somewhat de-escalate them, whereas repressing them tends to keep them fed and active, if that makes any sense?

I hope the new visuals and strategies provide some reprieve, even if temporary. I have found some traumatic material in me has fully resolved through somatic work where a survival response was able to be completed, but other deeper layers are still there and truly hard to heal, especially the stuff from the beginning of life that is so neuro-developmentally embedded - work in progress.

I like that you are curious - that is a major asset and as hard as everything is I'm sure that will be helping you on your journey. While active minds may seem to create trouble at times, they are also highly adaptive, and that can be a real, creative benefit.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm in significant pain and not able to type more so if I'm absent for a bit I'm just dealing with the pain. While the pain can make things feel very lonely, I'm trying to reconnect with the parts of myself and maintain a sense of connection.

I wish you the very best and thank you for sharing the camaraderie on our respective journeys.

Take great care and kind hugs if you would like them,

ER

[Emotions26]

Hello Eagle Ray who writes such caring responses to me,

The extremity of your heightened sensory perception causing a need to wear hat and sunglasses possibly heightened your other senses. One often feeds into another.

I do remember you mentioning somatic therapy before. Alas this was attempted with me but my response was not considered safe and I was advised not to pursue anything of that kind at all including hypnotherapy. 

I am a walking high wired electricity inducing piece of work that might even create static!

Yes I agree wholeheartedly about curiosity being an asset. I mostly love my over active brain questioning, researching, responding discovering and much more all at once.  Draining and sleep depriving yes.

So  sorry to read that you are in significant pain. 

Absence from here for your own health safety is a must and I will not read into this as your not wanting to respond. I know how that feels. 

I understand wholeheartedly how time away heals and allows room within ourselves to listen and hear far more than if we constantly frequent technology.

Loneliness is a double edged sword. If the feeling and then thought pops into my mind, I mostly now turn it around and question How? When I have myself and the whole universe around me.

I think that you and I think and look after ourselves in similar ways in some instances.

I believe that you are more knowledgeable in areas of theory though. I research and take what I need and form my own answers. Keeps my mind occupied for a while at least and helps distract the noise.

I loved the "sharing the camaraderie on our respective journeys" comment.  Wonderful.

Stay safe and continue to be proud of how far you have come and who you are Eagle Ray.

Reply in your time only

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Ems,

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and words.

Yes, I think you are wise not to continue with somatic therapy if you had a response that is considered unsafe. It is very particular to each individual as to what works or not. With any trauma history, so much care needs to be taken in this area. I have had some good success with somatic approaches such as Somatic Experiencing which is a gently titrated process when done correctly. However, about 5 and a half months ago I had EMDR done on me, and the consequences were catastrophic. I still haven’t fully recovered, but the worst was the first three months afterwards. 

That is a good question about loneliness that you ask Ems. I do you think it is good to remember that we have ourselves and, as you say, the whole universe around us. I definitely oriented to nature as a child, which was essentially like a person to me. It was my substitute for not having a single safe attachment in the human world. I climbed the tree in the front yard, which was like my friend and was a place of refuge. I went right to the top where the flimsiest branches were. I had no fear of being up that high. I even had a glimpse of the ocean. Up there I would sway in the breeze. It was a Tasmanian Blue Gum, way outside the usual home of its species in a WA garden.

I have discovered the voice dictation on my Mac and phone, so even with pain I am able to communicate here with not so much difficulty. I’m experiencing very sharp nerve pain and neuropathic pain where there is an overlap between localised nerve compression and amplified pain messaging from the brain. The worst affected are my arms where it has been diagnosed as carpal tunnel syndrome which is quite a common condition. But with me there is an overall neuropathic reactivity, which I know links with my trauma-related nervous system dysregulation. I’ve dealt with such pain before, so I will get through it again.

You stay safe too. I feel you should also be proud of who you are and how you have worked through things on your journey. It is clear you have made progress and are bravely continuing to work on things in therapy and also on your own. It takes endurance, resilience, patience, compassion and attunement with oneself to work through these things. Connectivity with others is so important too, actually I think it’s an essential component of healing. Thanks for sharing your journey here.

Take care and have a lovely week ahead,

Eagle Ray

[Emotions26]

Hello Eagle Ray,

I tackle one day at a time, never knowing how I will feel when I gradually wake; some nights, barely sleeping.

Very rarely I sleep in until late when I feel very drained and exhausted. I do find that this can disturb my going off to sleep not that is very effective at the best of times.

Any sleep is welcomed with open arms. I almost say thank you when I awake realising that I have had more than 2 hours sleep. We never know what we have until we lose it. Even randomly.

I need to find a sleep guru and perform some attempt at ceremonial thanks for sleep please.

EMDR producing such a catastrophic response is not a good result at all. I hope that the consultant looked after you and followed up to see how you are.

Many therapies now can have adverse reactions.

The fact that you had strong trauma to start complicated the outcome for you.

I hope that you are settling as best as you can.

Everyone's trauma, even prolongued chronic trauma is unique as is the person and experiences. This you know only too well.  Makes sense that we also respond differently, unpredictably even.

Great about the dictation. That would alleviate much stiffness and levels of pain I am sure.

Neuropathy is a very interesting area to explore isn't it. You sound as though you are well informed.

I did had a good understanding but confusion; vagueness; foggey, vacant, blank moments seem to reign randomly as part of this whole on and off release of so much! over so long a time!

A start.  There is movement.  There is change.  At least I am not in the nothing stage at present.

Thank you for acknowledging the hard work in finding me.  I think that it is impossible to understand unless taken seriously and over a considerable period of time.  It is also the longevity that builds a foundation of sorts to begin from and come back to.  Quite fascinating really,

I think that You and I could talk for ages and share some emotional moments; some warm beautiful moments in there amongst the pain.  Not delving into trauma per se but more the way we are talking about it here.

It is soothing to a certain degree in as much as I do not know you.  I sense that you have your own experiences and are closer as a consequence.

Perhaps we were meant to come together here.  Whether it be brief, whatever length does not matter. Just the connection.

yes connection with the right people for me is essential.  I agree a strong factor for healing.

Take care and may smiles spread across your face bringing warmth

Thank you Eagle Ray

[Allira]

Hi MeKitty. There is no blue heart next to my profile picture, I also am having trouble finding notifications for posts I have made or replied to..

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Allira,

I just thought I'd let you know that there is a problem with the notifications system at the moment. I emailed modsupport about it a few days ago and there is also a post about it in the "Forums feedback and updates section". It seemed like it had started working again the other day, but is not working again today. I think all you can do at the moment is try to remember what posts you have made, and then look at the thread to see if there are any replies.

I can't help with the blue heart thing as I'm not sure what the blue hearts mean. mmMekitty has been away from the forum for a while but she has popped in at times such as last Christmas.

I hope you are doing well and finding some helpful and supportive things here 🤗

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Ems,

Just letting you know I will reply to your lovely message later today. I can feel hunger and the need for a shower and to go to the shops in the next few hours, so I will tend to those things first and I will get back to you when I know I will write a better reply. Take care, ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Ems,

I'm really sorry to hear how difficult it is with sleep at the moment. One thing that has helped me go off to sleep has been to put on a podcast just to hear the sound of human voices. There are certain podcasts I follow, and I like the people on them and the sound of their friendly, kind voices. There is something about this that sends me off to sleep when virtually nothing else will. It tends to act quite fast and I'm often nodding off in about 15 minutes. I'm guessing this may be linked to my chronic loneliness and isolation, and just hearing voices enables me to feel comforted and able to let go into sleep. I think it also distracts me from internal thought processes and worries. Others here on the forum have mentioned sleep stories, which I know you can get off the internet. This may or may not work for you, so please disregard if it's not helpful. Having disrupted and inadequate sleep will definitely be affecting how are you feel much of the rest of the time.

I am gradually recovering from the EMDR. It is definitely not safe for all people, and there are particular risks for those with high levels of dissociation linked to past trauma, especially complex trauma. In my case, all the dissociative barriers in my brain that formed to protect me from multiple past traumas collapsed at once, leading to massive trauma flooding. It was only initially designed for single-incident PTSD. A lot of psychologists are not understanding this and failing to take precautions as is evident by the number of people I found online who went through the same type of experience as me (many have not even begun to recover more than a year since the EMDR). I have managed to work with my psychologist to repair the rupture and the damage to trust caused by the experience. She has learned a lot from it. I have another layer of trauma in my nervous system because of it, but I am doing my best to trust that my system can heal from that.

I can relate to the confusion, vagueness and foggy, vacant, blank moments that you describe. I think if you are processing traumatic material from the past, the brain copes by checking out at times and this is quite a normal response. I think when you know there is movement and change, as you identify, it does make it a little easier to ride through those times where the mind blanks out. It's just part of the process and is very understandable. I've found it so important to go gently and allow things to unfold in their own time, rather than try to control the process. I think our psyche and nervous system are always working towards balance and healing, and the process of simply allowing that is something I am gradually learning to do. For most of my life I have been striving very hard towards trying to solve things, but I am realising I don't have to strive so hard. I have found healing and recovery has been more about letting go.

It is comforting for me too, to have someone to talk to about these things. I can sense that you have been through a lot. I agree with you, that connection with the right people is essential. I am gradually learning to sense better and better who those right people are. There is something about the presence of kind, open-hearted people that has the most deeply healing effect. I had a positive interaction with someone the other day that I realised is really more powerful than any medication I can take and also gets me further than I can on my own. I think we humans are meant to co-regulate with one another. 

May you have a peaceful, beautiful weekend,

Eagle Ray

[Emotions26]

Hello Eagle Ray

An intriguing user name, if I have not said so before.

Podcasts yes I forgot about them , laugh. Not funny just acknowledging how easy it is for me to forget what has helped.

There have only been a couple that I have enjoyed.

It is good that you have found many that help you.

I am easily irritated by accents and speech of others.  Sensory nightmare that is not always my friend even though there for my protection.

Interesting some of what you have described happened to you was similar to myself yet diagnosed with different language.

I find this evident between psychotherapy and psychology.

You are achieving much from what I hope that I have read correctly.

For me I am not sure where which bit starts and another stops. So I have stopped trying to analyse myself which is not easy for me who is constantly questioning my mind.

I am finding at the moment, just being aware and reminding myself that it is now not past is enough to help on most occasions. At times I do need to make a call to lifeline if I become too overwhelmed and past a point where I can think even.  This helps settle a little the chaos until my next appointment. The issue there at times is forgetting to discuss what happened even though I thought about the very fact minutes before.

I am happy for you that you are starting to feel more comfortable in sensing who is a better fit for you to be in the company of. 

I believe that we should be proud to have come this far and even though in the eyes of others we have much to still learn, we feel it ourselves.

I say to you Eagle Ray, be proud of you as you right now.

I am weary and will leave it there for now.

Thank you again for continuing to respond to me.

I have noticed that not many use this section. I find the subject of depression appears all over the place.

It is a massive website though is it not.

I know that I still get easily lost and do not venture too far.

May your weekend bring you warmth, sunshine and richness of what life really is.

Ems