Relationship breakdown

[Guest_13738758]

It’s really hard finding the right words to describe all of this, basically my relationship is breaking down I’m exhausted, the communication is gone it’s either one screaming at the other but no one is listening we’re both unheard and it’s completely chaos, desperate to not damage each other it seems to be the only thing we do we are both wanting to be heard but not willing to listen and I’m scared if we continue we’ll do permanent damage to each other I dealt with a lot of abuse early on and held onto the hurt over the years and used it as fuel in every argument. It damaged him brutally but it was a by product of his entail abuse in the first place now a few years later his doing the exact same thing I did were on a crash course to heartbreak and I can’t stop it i don’t know what to do anymore 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I think I know how you're both feeling. It's like an arm wrestle. 

Maybe we were lucky my wife and I of 15 years now, that we conquered this head banging early in our marriage. We were best friends for 25 years beforehand so we didnt have this happen as friends so it was a surprise. My wife has depression and I have bipolar including depression. We, through a counsellor identified by making  a log of our disputes, that we are ok helping each other until we were both in a dperessive state. We sort the others support only to find as they were depressed were unable to give it... hence argument. Once we identified that we acknowledged it every time eg if I was down and wanted to talk it out with my wife, she'd react "but I'm not in the mood for this darling" type of response. I'd reply "lets talk about it tomorrow and drop the topic. By the next day things were so much clearer especially after a good sleep. It's essential for us to take the approach that when we are depressed we cant expect anything from our spouse, we are on our own in terms of support for good reason. 

So in cases when mental health issues are not the actual issue, a similar plan should be in place. And such plans my wife and I have implemented that doesnt include our depression. eg

• Nip it in the bud. Brief discussion/argument then contain it to say 5 minutes then STOP. https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/nip-it-in-the-bud-ideas/td-p/66816
• Use wit and questions to stop the circle of tit for tat. A sudden "are you ok" or "we are both sensitive today are you alright is work going ok". In the heat of an argument when you are being accused or challenged, asking if they are ok and showing care is an extraordinary quality. And guess what? they usually respond in kind 
• Ask "do you want a cuppa" this is really spelt out in my post and we still do this today -  https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...
• https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/anger-and-frustration/td-p/337224
• https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/forgiveness-and-forgeting-the-two-quot-f-s-quot-for...

You only need to read the first two posts of each. Reply anytime.

TonyWK

Chat about it, or implement them from only your side of things and see how they work. I hope they help you both.

"Love, arrgh yes love, proved it is there in how I dodged that flying plate, gee I love her throw..."