Dealing with end of life as I knew it. Massive changes in my life.

[Doors24]

Hello,

The last seven months have been nothing but massive upheaval and changes. I already suffered from anxiety and depression. These changes have made everything worse and I feel so isolated.

 I went through and currently am still experiencing a medical trauma starting seven months ago. But life still went on whilst I was having to deal with that.

 I lost my amazing dog due to illness and old age whilst I was having treatment and there was nothing I could physically, mentally or emotionally do for her. I was too unwell to help her. She wasn’t alone. As a family dog. But 15 years and she is just gone and the house is so quiet. She was quite a large dog,so her presence is so noticeably absent in just space alone. And that was only two weeks ago.

Then just two weeks later, my family member who has lived with me down my end of the house, moved out. We have spent our childhood together and almost 15 years of our adult lives co-habitating in this space together. Indirectly, we became part of each other’s daily routine by just sounds alone. Even if we didn’t speak directly to each other, we could hear each other living our lives in our rooms. I’d hear their alarms go off in the morning. I could hear them working from home during the day on phone calls and walking up and down the hallway to get coffees or something to eat. At night I could hear them laughing at the tv, taking a shower in the bathroom or even using the toilet spray in the toilet. (The walls are thin in this house). I have become so used to those daily sounds being in my life. I could go to sleep at night comforted by the sounds coming out of the room next door. I felt and have always felt safe living with this sibling being in the next room. And in the space of just 16 hours on the one day, they packed up all their belongings and emptied that room. That morning they lived here. By that night they no longer live here. And they aren’t coming back to live here again. They have called their new place their home verbally.

And whilst I am genuinely happy for that sibling to have finally found their own space and independence. It is just another loss too quickly after the last. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to see all these spaces empty or once belong to someone else, but now know that they don’t. It is so incredibly sad and overwhelming and I can’t process it fast enough and my depression is getting worse.

I feel so isolated. I can’t talk about anything I am feeling with the family members left in this house. I have tried and tried. They are emotionally unavailable and are legitimately unable to have real connection type of conversations. The person I was connected to the most in this house,is the one who moved out.

 I just don’t know what to do. I have to walk past their empty door everytime I leave my own room. The silence is so prominent. The grief is so raw. I dream about my dog at night. My house used to be full of life and happiness and now it is full of unhappy people and no connection to one another. We can’t have a discussion together. We are all feeling like there is a dark shadow over our house and waiting for the next thing to happen. I am all alone. Being unwell, I can’t leave this space either. 

 I just need someone to talk to or be heard or have a human connection with. I am not dealing with this well. Any changes are hard for me to process and just this year alone, there has been too many massive changes in short succession.

Thank you for taking the time to read this or respond.

Doors 24

[indigo22]

Hi Doors24,

Welcome to the forums, I see you have responded to a post that I have also responded to, given what you are going through, it shows me what a caring person you are.

I can relate to a lot of what you have spoken about, not the same circumstances but similar emotional effect.

You have been dealing with one thing after another and it does take a toll on one's wellbeing. You need to give yourself time to come to terms with your health issues, your loss of your beloved animal and the departure of your trusted sibling, they are all a form of grieving.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and the only sibling I was bonded with, died when I was 14. I absolutely understand that your sibling being gone and living elsewhere is a situation that will take time to adjust to.

I lost my beloved cat after 16 years more than a year ago and I live alone so the house was unbearably quiet and the loss of her presence was palpable, so I get it and I am so sorry for your loss, they can leave a empty space in our hearts when we lose them. I recently took in 2 senior cat that needed to be rehomed and that has helped me feel connected again as I tend to isolate a lot.

I also had some health issues for most of last year and I have been dealing with depression since I was in my teens so that really dragged me down physically and emotionally. I am on the improve and starting to feel better a little at a time which has given me a boost emotionally, so I get that one as well.

I am here most days so if you want to chat (or vent) please feel free to add to this thread anytime and I will be here to support you through this rough time.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo 💜

[Guest_04124766]

Hi Doors 24,

I am not a psychiatrist or related to medical field.

I am sorry to hear about your dog and what you are going through in general. Passing away of a beloved pet hits harder than people who don't have one can imagine. It's natural to feel bereaved. 

The back-to-back setbacks you experienced have naturally increased your existing anxiety and depression. Just want to assure you that you are not alone and it’s not the end of the road.

You mentioned about being unwell and unable to leave the place. Do you have a physical disability that prevents you from stepping outside the house or you are talking about moving out? Also, how old are you?

The reason I am asking this question is to see if there are ways to overcome the current situation you are in. It may be possible that you have inadequate serotonin receptors in your brain. If you aren't already aware of it, they are “happiness hormone” which can form new connections and elevate your mental health. Serotonin production can be increased by using various techniques such as CBT, lifestyle alterations, etc.

Without being judgemental, I got the feeling after reading your post, that you greatly rely on others (people, pets, etc.) to derive happiness. I am not sure if you have tried being happy just with yourself. Small things like eating healthy food (avoid all processed foods especially sugars) and doing regular exercise (including strength training to grow muscle mass) goes well beyond just physical fitness. Lack of sunlight will also affect your serotonin level (as well as Vitamin D and bone health).

Hence, if you are physically capable, try with altering your lifestyle. First week might be brutal but it will greatly improve your mood, self-worth and of course muscles! Set up small targets and reward yourself for achieving them (e.g. eat your favourite food, buy yourself a small gift). Don't be too hard on yourself and try not to let others' reaction affect you. I know it's easier said than done but give it a try. Let me know if you want to chat more!

[Doors24]

Dear Guest_04124766,

Thank you for your reply. I wanted to let you know that I have mental health professionals who I check in with,so I am not alone there.

 I am middle age. And whilst I don’t have a disability, I underwent major treatment at a hospital for a serious health issue. It has left me bed and room bound since Oct. The fatigue is crushing and that is why I can’t leave my home on my own. I don’t get off my street at the moment on foot. I am recovering,but it will take some time to be strong enough to do physical things or even drive again. Due to the cost of living and housing crisis, I am certainly not able to move out of home. I have to be grateful that I have a roof over my head and doors that lock. But my environment is quite toxic and controlling.

 I have been a people pleaser my whole life and it has gotten me nowhere. I have sacrificed my own happiness constantly for others and this too has gotten me nowhere. I have been left behind.

I do find happiness from my animals, but once they are gone, they won’t be anymore categorically. I dread that day.

After a traumatic event two years ago, I have lost my sense of identity and purpose and it hasn’t come back with therapy and medication.

I don’t honestly know how to be happy with just myself.

I have read your suggestions and they aren’t hard. Just cognitive functioning takes along time for me to do things. And I guess I do everything else, and put myself last.

It is all accumulative, the things all happening in a row. I understand that. I just don’t know how to handle it or work through it on a daily basis. The only kindness I get are from people who are paid to do a service for me and not the other people I am,for a better word, stuck with.

 I am always willing to chat,

So thank you,

Door24

[Doors24]

Dear Indigo,

Thank you for your response and compassion.

I am sorry for your losses too.

 I have the ability to have emotional empathy and compassion for others, but unfortunately the people around me are dysfunctional and don’t reciprocate at all. I wish I was truly embellishing. I also have the ability to look outside of myself and see others and the whole picture,not just my own. I feel I have looked after everyone else my whole life. And last year and then this year as I was having active treatment, not one of them looked after me. And still aren’t. I rely on my phone to call emergency services and not the people I live with.

 I know and recognise that time will help me come to terms with things and that I can only process so much everyday, as the brain has to preserve itself. But the emotional toll I am left to deal with makes me feel I am surviving each day as it comes and have very little to look forward to. I want to separate myself into two people and just not feel anymore. I want to turn back time to when there was happiness. I would have to turn back time a decade at least.

I  can’t have any new furry friends. I have been told it is not allowed ever again. Where I live. This has been part of my identity since I was a teenager. Now middle aged, I don’t know what to do with myself. I have another very old dog who will most likely not live past this year. I feel her time is coming to pass soon. She has changed so much, so quickly. 

With the cost of living and housing crisis, I can’t leave the place I live. When the time does come, I may not be able to support myself, so I can’t afford to pay for a furry friend either. It is just the reality of life and this country right now. Everything costs too much.

 I just feel with my mental health conditions, I am not getting a break to just take a breath before the next thing comes at me. It isn’t making life very enticing to live. I feel like with my health conditions over the years, that I have been left behind. Realistically I have never been able to do the things that everyone else has at my age. And that time is running out. That is another conversation though.

Thank you for offering your support and a chat. It is just that emotional human connection that I really crave. I know people can’t fix my problems for me. I am not naive in that way. I know the work has to come from myself. But I have to get at least my feet on the ground first.

Take care of yourself too, I am happy to keep talking.

Doors24

[indigo22]

I have been where you are Doors24, I know how hard it is to pick yourself up again after a series of blows but I know you will get there and I am really glad you found your way here.

About 14 years ago, I was ready to take my own life after having lost my best friend in an accident, and 3 members of my family to cancer in the space of 9 years with the last 2 passing 10 weeks apart. I was broken (like Humpty Dumpty) and I could not even consider the idea that I might ever feel in the least bit stable again. I was forced to move and chose a place 100s of kms away from all the memories of caring for those with cancer only to watch them deteriorate before my eyes, I like you, have given a large portion of my life to others without reciprocation. When I had been in my new location for about 12 months, I discovered I too had cancer. I was so sick of hearing that word and there was nobody left to support me through it. I am good now, no more cancer and I truly believe it was my wake up call to take better care of myself. I am only telling you all of this because I want you to know that you can get through this and life can get better, it is just going to take time and that's the hardest part to get through. But you are not alone here.

I believe if you look up 'HSP Elaine Aron' on the internet you will find a description of yourself. HSP is Highly Sensitive Person and there are many of us here on the forums. We feel things more deeply than the rest of the population and are therefore more prone to being hurt.

There are some books on mental health I would like to suggest, not sure if you enjoy reading or listening to books but I think they would help. I will leave it to you to let me know if you are interested.

You are right, life is really tough at present unless you happen to be part of the 1% group, then life is a breeze at least financially anyway.

I hope you are able to get some rest this evening and hopefully a good night sleep.

You will be in my thoughts,

indigo 💜

[Doors24]

Dear Indigo22,

Thank you for keeping the conversation going.

A lot of what you disclosed to me is actually very similar to me. Dark times and hard times. If we talk more, I will be able to have the courage to open up more about these. It is good to know other people’s experiences, but it is also sad to know that other people have experienced these times too.

I agree with you. HSP sounds very like myself. I always have hope,but always end up disappointed,even if my expectations are so low now, they are actually digging though the ground. It is helpful to know that there are people here who can understand that. I may just learn something from them. I am also glad I came here. I have been to other forums and nobody talks back. Just the person from the actual website who must check all the posts.

I am not much of a reader,but listening to things is good. And it never hurts to be recommended things. I have alot of brain fog and cognitive processing problems from my recent treatment, so as long as I don’t need to focus too hard on big words or long paragraphs, I should be alright. And this should also become better with time. And I do need to find things to do with myself. So if there is something you recommend, I am all ears.

It is comforting to know that people are here who care about other people.

If there is something you would like to share with me too about how you are currently going, or feeling please don’t hesitate to talk about it whenever you want too as well. Please also know that I have heard what you shared about your personal life, I just don’t know where you are with those points in your life and don’t want to be insensitive about them or push you any further to talk about things that have impacted you so much.

I hope you have a peaceful night too.

Doors24

[ViolettaZ]

Hi Door24,

As a highly sensitive person myself, I really relate to what you’re saying. Highly sensitive people tend to notice even the smallest changes around them and often feel most comfortable with a stable routine. When something changes ,even if it seems minor, it can feel especially unsettling. HSPs are also particularly attuned to emotions, so we may feel things more deeply and take longer to process negative emotions. That’s why it’s important to give yourself some time and space to absorb and work through what you’re feeling.

The way you described the sounds of your sibling — the alarms, the footsteps, the everyday noises — really stood out to me. Those weren’t just sounds; they were safety, familiarity, and quiet companionship. Losing that all at once can feel deeply unsettling, almost like the ground beneath you has shifted overnight.

It’s okay to grieve that, even while still feeling happy for them.  Both emotions can exist together.

I’m really glad you reached out. You deserve to be heard, and you deserve kindness and connection, especially now.

Warm regards🤗

ViolettaZ

[Daydreamer70]

Hi Doors24, 

I am jumping in a bit later in this thread, ViolettaZ has had some really great advice/shared experience on HSPs and I just wanted to add in a few suggestions on good reads and activities to do that are low impact and might help bring something new into your every day.

I am a sensitive person (probably not the the extent of HSPs specifically but I feel and experience very deeply) and find that when I hit a certain thresh hold I get very overwhelmed. Activities like reading, podcasts, writing and slow movement help me tremendously. Yoga, yin yoga specifically where the movement is very little and more breathing focused feels amazing. Podcasts are my comfort space, i actually dont listen to that many self help ones because I find they stress me out sometimes. I listen to ones like Happy Hour with Lucy and Nikki, or the Inspired Unemployed which are two comedy podcasts and they honestly make me feel so much lighter afterwards. It takes me away from myself and my own mind. I know you said you dont like to read, so audio books could be a great alternative. Fantasy books are great, there is a series called A Court Of Thornes and Roses that is incredible. It has a huge fan base too so you can really go down a rabbit hole with it all. Im pretty sure the audio book exists for that too!

Cooking and baking are also great activities for when you are at home. Try one new recipe a week if you can, and I always like to have a set time each evening where I cook dinner for myself. I find a lot of recipes on instagram reels, I like to see visually how to make the dish and it is easier to follow than a written recipe.

I hope some of this helps a bit! Its always nice to have some new suggestions for homey and nourishing activities to do for yourself. Healthy forms of escapism I like to call them!

Kindest regards, 

Daydreamer. 

[Doors24]

Dear ViolettaZ,

Thank you for your reply and kindness.

What you were able to recognise, many people around me can’t. The sounds were definitely safety and companionship. They were routine and yes, I am most definitely not okay with even small changes. After so many years together, it is almost like I have to find a new identity or be a new person. And overnight too.

Since they have left I haven’t been able to be in my room without the tv on for noise. And at night I am not going to sleep until 1am, with the tv on sleep timer. The sudden change has set off my anxiety and my OCD has also kicked off on things it doesn’t usually affect. My pre bedtime OCD routine has shot out to 30-40 minutes, because I just don’t feel safe. In fact my roommate used to sometimes break me out of that cycle by opening their door or coming out of the bathroom or toilet. It used to break my zoned in focus and I could move on. So it is hard these last few nights just to get into bed.

I looked up HSP after Indigo brought it up. I think I fall into that category well. I notice too much just walking past a room at a glance and feel I pick up on small dangers or errors around me all the time. I pick up on other people’s subtle social ques. I also deal with trauma and grief differently. I definitely have a hard time understanding changes around me. Logically I understand them, but emotionally is another ballpark.

Thank you for your response. I am really feeling heard here.

Doors24