TOO much to deal with. I NEED Advice. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THIS Girl, & Everything else!!!

Ry_Wilson23992

4) On-top of everything.

- I have a Helicopter Mother. She's so restricting. When it comes to, constant messages, texting me, or ringing my phone. If she exaggerated nothing, about my personality, and makes it, in relation, to my Misdiagnosed Schizophrenia.

- My Father. Is a dead beat. He just sits behind the T.V.. I don't have a close relationship with him. He just pays that Bills. The fact his not involved. Is why his a bad parent, but it's also a very amazing thing. When his not caring to be engaged with us, because he doesn't cause problems, to some extent.

- Their not logical parents. When it comes to having realistic concern, about my future.

- BOTH my Parents, are a contributing factor. To why I can't develop. Their inconsiderate, selfish, manipulative, and they can't lose arguments. They undervalue my intelligence. They have always treated me as a Child. They have low expectations. They speak on my behalf. If I don't want to Work. They abnormalise anything. If I can't keep a routine. My father also. He always went against us. To say. If we can't have pets, because we can't look after ourselves. But then. Years later. He would say. If we want a Pet. When he was trying to reflect it on us. If we're losers, and how we have upsetting lives, with no company.

white knight

Hi, welcome

I'm having trouble finding the problem where your "girl" is in the issues. Sorry but your heading doesnt relate to the content of the post.

So I'll focus on your parents. I do relate a lot to this. A controlling parent can be a huge life distraction and sorry to assume but rarely do parent/child relations flourish when the child becomes an adult and has to rebel against the constraints of a helicopter parent. What's also an issue is that with a controlling parent they are often matched with a introverted or at least easy going or over loyal spouse. That spouse is their rock, often a permanent endorcement force. With no counter arguments happening by this "quiet" parent the extroverted parent has free reign.

In my case (I hope it helps) my mother was such a controller. The older she got the worse her symptoms became to the point that she ruined weddings, triangulated people (turned them against us) with lies and would not tolerate anyone disagreeing with her as it hurt her destructive agendas. I was 53yo when I finally had enough and cut her out of my life, of course that meant I lost half my family under her spell. My father had passed years before so losing him from mothers antics wasnt possible. In the end (she was in denial with any disorders) I concluded she had Borderline Personality Disorder and the realisation hit home when I read extracts on the www when googling "queen witch hermit waif" You might want to try. The queen treats you like an extension of her arm, the witch will chase you to the end of the earth if you disobey her, the hermit needs constant high attention and the waif get others to fight her conflicts for her.

So, what can you do about this problem? Here are my thoughts-

Establish non negotiable boundaries. eg she is not permitted to ring you at work ever! Mine did and discussed personal issues with my bosses.
You try to establish a personal relationship with your father without her input. More on that below
Your boundaries include only answering her texts when YOU feel like it. It's your phone, your time, your obligation to your own peace. You are not an extension of your mother, you are a free adult.
You dont tolerate abuse. Abuse meaning what boundaries you build. Yelling, finding out personal information eg who you are dating, belittling you for any illness and so on
Stick to the truth. Meaning if you catch her out not telling the truth confront accordingly.
Regulate your contact. Keeping distance wont be easy and questions will follow - "where were you" Answer- "my business mother, I go on a need to know basis"

I believe there's a strong possibility your dad has missed out being that good parent due to the forces that are effecting you have also effected him. Think of an activity he would like- golf (hire clubs), fishing, a drive to the beach, darts, an activity you are planning and take him along. I think you could be surprised as you share each others company. One day he might open up and express regrets. But more importantly do not allow your mothers input eg "where are you going to have lunch, where are you going, why cant I come, why are you taking him away? etc. Subtly tell her its dad and child time. End of explanation.

Yes, its not nice being called a "loser" and so on. I wonder. See my father any I had a meeting in a park when I was estranged with both parents. He said a sentence that was a straight copy from my mother like "why did you resign from that council job, it was a good job". So dad, how can you judge how good my job was? Thats the exact words mother used to say to me, I want to remind you that not only have you never been a dog ranger with a corrupt council you cant talk to me without echoing mothers words. She might as well be here". He went red in the face and realised how he's adopted her stance.

"Over criticism and control of an adult child needs a similar level of reaction and correction from that child in order to find balance and maintain peaceful relations" That means many more arguments as time goes on, its why these relationships are often terminal.

I'm more than happy if you post ongoing for further discussion.

TonyWK