Depression - life

[randomxx]

Hi to all.

Some will know l've had my ups and downs for sure but l wanted to start this as a new and separate thread bc the old one wound up all about gf ex.

Just for the most that won't know though and happen to drop in, l got rid of of my place 6mths back and went caravaning 51/2 mths, just couldn't deal with another place at the time and just felt like a bloody good break and rest first.

Wasn't sure how l'd feel about it but it wasn't bad and at times really nice just being free for a bit but later 50s there were also the worries of what to do when l get back. Well back now is too my other place it's not really that l had two houses the second one is just a country block with a cabin in a tiny town that l just rent out, never lived there. Well the tenant moved out so that's where l've come back to, l need to fix it up and sell it toward my new place.

This little town this whole thing , not doing me any good at all in this stage of life. l did have to get out of my other place don't regret it it had to be done but it's just been such a huge last 10yrs or so. Divorce and all thenlater on just broken up with later new gf now ex just last yr and now all this and here l am in this place- and then l'll be somewhere else to where l'm thinking of moving to, maybe even building . lf so it'll only be small and minimalist buttt, ldk

Just feel like total bs it's all too much and it's like what in the hell am l even doing especially here right now and at this age but ldk how else l could've done things.l had to get out of my last place, l have to be here to fix up this one and it's somewhere at least to stay, it'll be  a few mths.

Been coming here 20yrs keeping this place up and all the same people are still here couples been together and still here all that time and still sitting in their homes watching tv and doing their lives together.

The total opposite lives to mine and now l;m even single and here doing this and then wherever later restarting again andddd, it's all just sooooo, words l can't use here.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hey rx,

Gosh these life decisions are challenging aren’t they. Like what path do we go down? 🤔 I think if a connection is really special it can be worth following, but it isn’t always initially clear and it can be tricky knowing what’s best. Taking the time to get to know someone I’m sure is important in at least gaining insight into future possibilities.

I’m in the suburb tonight I’m thinking about moving to. I feel it has potential but at the same time I feel I have no idea where home is for me right now. So I relate to your feeling of being betwixt and between. I would love to have a sense of home, both in terms of a place and with people. I don’t want to feel isolated anymore but want to make wise choices going forward.

Anyway, making some contact with a past friend up here tomorrow and may catch up with him. Feeling a sense of wanting to change the patterns of my life at the moment. I hope you may see some paths to follow soon.

Take care and all the best,

ER

[randomxx]

Hey er.

Yeah it sure is testing isn't it hey. l knew l'd probably have to come do the cabin later on though so yaknow, if in regret l could always get in touch with her again it's only 45mins away again now. But even that would mean going back and forth to the very place l've just left - sooooo, l have plans from here now l'll be finished here soon and she couldn't move anyway so  yaknow, l'll go with the practicalities l think ha ha.

Remember though , and l do know what you mean believe me but you do still have your home back home, nothings changed there it's still there your still there no pressure you've still got your place.  Atm your just away for a bit, try to just look at it that way or even not to look at it all and just go with things your upto for the now l'd be thinking.

Enjoy hey.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks rx,

That’s really good advice about remembering I still have a home and to stay in the present where I am at the moment and enjoy it. I don’t need to pressure myself into trying so hard to make future decisions. And also it’s being in the present moment that most likely opens up new insights and possibilities. I also really appreciate the fact I have a home at all.

I’m sitting in a public library at the moment not far from where I left my car with the mechanic. I do like the feeling of access to many things in the city. I was so sure the country was for me and I’d feel more at home there. It’s so weird I now find myself feeling more at home when visiting the city. I think for me I just simply feel less isolated in the city and that there are so many more opportunities for things to do and be involved in and people to connect with. But, who knows, perhaps I’ll eventually make the right connections in the country. I don’t have to solve it now.

Yes, it sounds like for you that the practicalities are the thing to go with at the moment. It’s like an evolving path that makes itself seen gradually over time. It does sound like you definitely want to leave that previous town behind now and move on to a new chapter. I think that can be an exciting unfolding in itself. Sometimes not being tied down for a while is a really good thing, like a bit of an adventure. There can be an upside to uncertainty.

All the best,

ER

[randomxx]

Hey there er.

So hot out today not doing more now, siesta for the rest of the day. 

But yeah that's the go there's no pressure you've got time you've got your place things will come when they do. l mean my old place was still always beautiful to come home to l'd roll in from Gf's and Sydney or from long work trips, it was still always such a relief to get in the door- you've got that too .

But it is all so weird too l know, the trade offs in country city, don't worry it's a step many tousle with. l can't go back myself now Melb's just too big now for me but the area l like has much more it's far bigger than my old with more going on and people verity, it's a meet it in the middle somewhere thing butttt, at the same time, we see. l'm not committed don't wanna be atm as you say just needed a good break and free of mind for awhile soooo, nothings in stone atm.

Have a nice day hey.

rx

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray

Everything you say makes perfect sense. It can definitely be a challenge at times to let go of managing. Letting certain situations manage you allows some things to unfold naturally. When they unfold naturally, new doorways open that would never have opened otherwise. It can be similar with trying to see the way forward, it can be hard to gain a vision. Sometimes I'll just relax my mind completely and ask the question 'What is it I can't see that I need to see?' and then something will simply come too me. Wish that worked all the time, most often it does though.

Finding those on the same or a similar wavelength definitely can make a difference. Whether we're down, grounded or high, the people who are at that level with us can make things so much easier. And with that limbo state, I very much agree. It typically precedes an up shift, a sense of graduation to next level. I think it's the length of time the limbo state lasts for that can be the most challenging. A matter of days, not a problem. A matter of months or years is a whole different story.

I wish I could ease your grief and you didn't have to feel that level of pain. You go for it, give yourself permission to cry it out 'til your heart's content. Cry it out, talk it out, scream it out if you have to. You could even try dancing it out, while throwing yourself around the lounge room to intense music. Must say I've done that before myself. What began as a lot of tearful movement ended with me laughing at just how funny I am, to be dancing alone and out of control like a person possessed. It's nice to feel out of control on occasion, by choice 😊

[Eagle Ray]

Hey rx,

It’s hot here too. I’m under a tree in a park at the moment where I just woke up from a sleep.

I can understand not wanting to return somewhere as massive as Melbourne and instead looking for a middle ground between small and massive. My last two visits to Melbourne I enjoyed so much. But I spent most of my time in the CBD which is different to say living in the outer suburbs of Melbourne like some of my relatives do. Coming into Melbourne on the SkyBus it looks like a giant gothic metropolis, especially compared with Perth. It almost feels overwhelming. But once I’m in the CBD there I feel at home and enjoy it a lot more than the CBD of Perth which doesn’t seem to have the same soul and is not somewhere I enjoy being as much. I seriously considered moving to Melbourne but I really don’t know.

In WA there’s only a few large regional centres that might fall into the category of a regional city (or very large town) but I’m just not feeling it in relation to those places. Eastern Australia has far more large regional towns and cities. Here places are pretty far apart too. But there’s something about here too that does feel home to me. Like right now I’ve been resting under a beautiful Tuart Tree, a local gum tree that doesn’t grow anywhere apart from south west WA. I’ve known these trees all my life. So I have a strong sense of place here to the plants, birds, ocean etc.

Sorry, I’m rambling away. I guess I’m reflecting on what makes “home”. I think not committing for the time being makes sense as you are doing. Just feeling the way until things start to feel clearer.

You have a nice rest of your day too which will be late arvo for you now.

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hi therising,

Thank you for your kind support ☺️ With regard to letting go of managing, I seem to have entered a phase where I don’t have a choice and it’s just happening for me. I’m used to being busy trying to sort things in my mind at quite an intensive level. I’m still mulling things over, like the topic of where is home to me at the moment, but a lot of unfolding is happening that I don’t seem to have any control over at all with grief being the precipitating impetus. It’s been that full on I’ve had all these changes in my body, emotions and even spiritually. I’m finding I have to rest a lot and just allow it. Although it’s challenging at times I can feel that it feels it’s for a greater good and I am actually healing. But feeling new emotions and ways of being can be so weird that it’s hard to adjust to at first. I find I really need to rest as a way of coping and nurture myself through what feels like an awakening process.

I too have used dancing to music as a way of coping. It’s a great thing to do. Other cultures use dance a lot, often in a ritual context, for managing emotions and challenges. Our society has become too out of touch with those kinds of things I think, like we are too inhibited and disconnected from our primal, knowing selves. I think finding a way back to that kind of flow with our natural selves is so important. I feel like a lot of human suffering happens because of that disconnect.

I’ve just had a bunch of French-speaking backpackers hanging out with me under this tree over the last half hour or so. They are nice and friendly and very chilled. I think about their lives cruising along where they probably have only a few solid plans but a lot of open-endedness. I feel in a sort of similar place, with a few solid ideas but a lot of open-endedness too, and I think I’m ok with that.

Gee, I’m rambling today! Anyway, my current limbo state has been going on since the last week and a bit of February, as in the new unusual space I’m in. I have to accept it as I can sense there’s no going back. I’m in a new phase which I think will gradually integrate and stabilise.

Thanks always for your thoughtful and insightful input 🙏

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray

'Spiritual awakening' is such a fascinating topic. As you'd know, some people can go through a hell of a time as not just the mind recalibrates but the body as well. There can be a lot of mental and physical pain being released, certain types of energy in motion or emotion that can be felt. I hope you come to feel the lightness sooner rather than later regarding such an intense time. Your rest is well deserved and much needed ❤️

I'm glad there is so much more information out there these days regarding spiritual awakening. Without helpful resources, it can leave a person feeling alone, confused and doubting their own sanity at times. What does one do when intuition suddenly comes to life and starts chatting away (a sudden and unexpected 'voice' in their head). What would a psychologist make of 'I have this voice in my head that's telling me to do things like phone certain people I haven't seen for years, for a catch up, or telling me I have to sell the house I've lived in for decades'. My first question would not necessarily be about the 'voice', it would more so be 'Has the house been a source of sadness and upset for years?'.

When a spiritual awakening becomes a 'spiritual emergency' (another fascinating topic), things can take an intense turn. It's a shame spiritual elements or topics are seen as being so 'woo woo'. For me, if I imagine I am this soul in this body with this mind, it becomes liberating in a sense. The questions become 'What can I do with this mind that I have and this body I'm in?' or 'What are the issues with this mind and body I've been given to work with?'. This way of imagining means we are the master of this mind and this body. So, how are we going to work on mastering them, as opposed to them being the master or dictator of us? Releasing great dis-ease from them is such an important part of the path to mastery 🙂

I shall now sit for a while and focus on nothing other than sending feelings of love and healing your way 🤗❤️

[Eagle Ray]

Hi therising,

Thank you so much for sending the love and healing 🙏💖 It has very much been a spiritual awakening. I’ve been able to be open communicating with my psychologist about it who hasn’t sent me off to the psychiatric hospital 😂 She is open-minded and open-hearted. I’ve had the sense of being communicated with, and it has felt like the person I’ve been grieving but at the same time it could be a self-healing intrapsychic process. To be honest it feels like both. We were both of such similar mind that it can feel like both him talking to me but some part of me as well. It’s pretty out there. I’ve not quite experienced anything like it before. But whatever is happening it is profoundly healing. I can feel stuff that’s been stuck for years break up and release from within me. Grief that got suppressed and buried from decades ago is coming out. Things that once worried me now seem minor and inconsequential. I feel safe, comforted and supported by his presence. I was not expecting to go through something like this. It feels a positive thing in that everything feels it is working towards healing and resolution in an ongoing unfolding process. I feel held and carried in that process. It is quite emotional at times and initially I had difficulty in feeling and accepting being supported as I’m so used to full self-reliance. It’s amazing how someone’s presence can be so powerfully with you.

Anyway, I won’t keep rambling about my unusual experiences on rx’s thread, sorry rx! But thank you kindly for your support ☺️

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray

Such an incredible experience and I'm so glad your psychologist is so understanding and supportive ❤️