Can someone please help me???

[fuschia]

Why is it if I CAN get myself out of bed in the morning and go to work (without calling in sick, that I can manage to JUST get through the day at work (and do a very good job), then the last hour of work get super anxious and do the drive home wanting to stop into a bottle shop and drink on the way home (which I would never do) and get home and be so anxious.

I'm on medicatiom, I've done the therapy, I no longer have the nasty partner, I now have a nice job, but I just keep wanting to drink but it no longer settles the nerves. When I do it takes me 3 days to get over it including the process of suicide

I just want to go somewhere where I can be cared for and helped but I can't go during the week because I can't leave my boss but I could go on the weekends. Does anyone know where there is someplace I can go on the weekends and get some help. The thing is I go through stages and feel like I'm crazy then I feel an overwhelming feeling like I need to be normal and feel guilty for letting people down. All the mean while I'm not sure I can keep on living like this. I'm not sure I can trust myself anymore. I need some help and advise please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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[Light9]

I totally relate to that feeling Geoff - of knowing you can drink socially because you haven't cut it out altogether, works for me too.

And I'm pleased to say I have been very good, back to drinking socially.  Because that was my new rule, I made some social occasions haha, but only drank twice in 9 days and didn't think twice about it, all good.

Yeah Sia is amazing hey, I've been listening to all her stuff.

So my partner's Dad is now palliative care (with emphysema) and my partner is feeling very stressed with kids on school holidays, a renovation project we have going and some business stuff...I get it....BUT I was the main bread winner for the last 3 years while he did very little at all, certainly didn't work much, he employs someone to do most of it...he just pottered around our property or hung at friends houses drinking etc.

SO....he lost the plot again...and I'm starting to really lose respect for him.  What makes the entire thing even worse is I have been very unwell for the last 4 days with gastro and he put me through hell when I was so sick.  He drank 2 ciders at lunch with a friend, then a bottle of red then a 6 pack of ciders and then started banging onto me about my singing too much the other night when I was happy in the bath.  I always go very quiet and usually get into bed and get under the covers and say very little, I even try hugging and rubbing his back etc but he has a screw loose.  He started doing his usual awful thing and it goes on....and on....and on, there is no letting up FOR HOURS.

I am still sick and just had my first bowl of soup so my tummy is just wrong right now so I have to go...but he is ALL I have.  A lady crashed into me writing my car off, my family are dysfunctional beyond words, I felt so over life last night....and Fuschia, do you know which words kept ringing in my head constantly  "coz I'm just holding on for tonight" from Chandelier.

It's very scarey stuff, all I have to do is make one phone call now and he's in jail.

Hope you guys are well, I gotta go now.

Light

[fuschia]

SMASHED.

The movie smashed.

Please watch this when you get a chance.

I just did and it was a snippet of what my life was like whilst I was drinking. I'm now 2/3rds the way through my 3 month course of medications to stop the cravings for drinking. Apart from week 2's slip up that landed me in hospital (2 weeks after the assault) I've hung in there.

It's taking time but I'm starting to give myself slight credit for abstaining instead of giving all the credit to the meds.

Smashed: Showed me how you can turn your life around. And, how getting out of toxic relationships is so vitally important. It now means by doing so the only friends I have are work collegues.

I had some great times drinking and having fun, until it became a big problem and almost killed me inside and out.

Light: Are you in a toxic relationship????

I have been in the past and tried to fix them but learnt the hard way that they have to do it themselves. Just like I wanted someone to scoop me up and fix me, I've since realized I have to do the work, with the help of meds, pyscology and physciatry.

I wonder if anyone out there knows of group meeting for alcoholics that are not AA. I'm not stupid, I know there will be time when I will get that wave of wanting a binge and I may not be able to ride it and may fall off- I'm guessing when these tablets are finished. I feel I would benefit from sponsor or talking to others in a group environment who have experienced binge drinking

Light you sing that song Chandelier at the top of your lungs and believe in yourself and DONT LET ANYONE DRAG YOU DOWN!!!!

It's taking me a while, as I get bored sometimes when I would usually be drinking, but I think I CAN still enjoy life and have fun without being "Smashed"!!

I guess it all just takes time.

Light are you being physically abused by your partner? Sorry I did not understand..

Sorry its taken me a while to get back on but Ive had the flu and now bronchitis and asthma but just wanted to share my enlightenment I just had after watching the movie SMASHED.

Please all be safe. Depression, anxiety and alcoholism can put us in such vulnerable, scary and dangerous positions for that I am grateful I am still alive. God know how but I am.

Light please keep in touch.

If anyone can recommend and groups for me I would be very appreciative.

[fuschia]

Geoff,

June 12 you made a comment you stopped taking the tablets that stop the cravings for alcohol but you didn't want to tell me why at the time. I' ready to hear now and am keen to know what your experience was. I've got a little over a month to go on them and I have not heard of any side effects but am interested in your opinion.

[geoff]

dear Fuschia, boy, I have missed a lot of comments from you and Light as it can be hard to catch up to all the posts.

Can I just say to Light, what is stopping you from ringing the police, and but it be beneficial in leaving him.

The side-effect I had was that it made me go to the loo because it gave me diarrhea, and at that stage I was staying at my twin's place because it was over xmas time, and my wife said that I had to take them and stop drinking or she will leave me, and this was way before she did pack her bags.

When I got home I still had depression even though I was taking them and not drinking alcohol, so I decided the only medicine I wanted was to start drinking again, which I did.

This medication did stop the urge to drink, so by having depression and not drinking compared to depression and feeling numb by drinking I choose the latter.

I wasn't strong enough to persevere. L Geoff. x

[fuschia]

Wow Geoff, you sound like you've been through a lot. Thankfully I am not getting those side effects. You mentioned you'd rather be numb, have you explored antidepressants??

I'm 37 and have had a problem with drinking for 12 years now. I know its partly hereditary as there are alcoholics in my family but it has mostly been a way for me to self medicate my anxiety and social anxiety and depression which I have suffered from even as a child. No abuse as a child that I can remember but not so happy home environment.

I would love to hear more of your story if you ever feel comfortable Geoff. Like when you started and what you think triggered you and what triggers you when you have bad days as I need to prepare myself for when my 3 months are up. I fear if I go back to binge drinking I will most certainly end up dead fairly quickly by the decisions I make whilst intoxicated.

Light: I hope your ok. When you mentioned calling the police that sounds to me like his physically abusing you? Sorry if I'm wrong. Just want to make sure your ok.

Looking forward to hearing from you all..

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia and Geoff

Really nice to hear from you both - and thanks.  I was a bit worried that I had been put in the 'loser' bin and was maybe dragging you down too much, so it's a big relief.  

Thanks for the recommendation on the movie Smashed, will get it out for sure.   I wonder if there are threads of discussion on the tablets you are taking Fuschia?  You might get some insight from others just by googling it?  Perhaps you have already.  Also HELLO SUNDAY MORNING may be a wonderful site for you too.

I don't write the details of physical abuse because that goes against the forum rules.  I have only called the police once and I didn't press charges but they made me take out an AVO against him so I had no choice.  They said if I have to ring again he goes to jail.  

Geoff I didn't ring the police because he has 5 kids to look after and I know it would just be so hard for them to see that happen to their Dad.

He hasn't had a drink since the last one happened.  I think he knows that I can't possibly have any self respect and take it anymore and he will lose me so he is starting to get very scared.  My best friend who has been given 6 months to live wants me to move to Wales to help her fight her cancer and so I have that option....and I will take it if he does it again. 

I really do adore him and feel like he is an angel and so loving and solid so it's totally bizarre when he loses it, it's like he turns into someone completely mental.  Some people just cannot handle alcohol I am realising...and he is one of them.  

I haven't had a drink for 17 days now!  Losing weight and feeling great.

I relate to your concerns Fuschia...that worry that we could get a craving is ever present but i love to picture how my body is responding to all the healthy things I am doing now...compared to all the tiredness and toxicity that goes with booze.  That helps I find.....also my best friend drank a lot and so I don't want to get cancer like she has, she looks so slim and beautiful and healthy now...I can't believe she has been given 6 months.  

Yes, it was fun for a big chunk of my life too....but feeling healthy and slim and is a  damn good feeling too!  I CANNOT WAIT to get back into my skinny jeans and feel like a foxy moron again!!  hehe.

I hope you're both feeling strong, seems like we are all on a much better path, how wonderful it is to celebrate this point in time at least.  Keep it up guys, I'm so glad u ditched those 'friends' Fuschia, I did too! 🙂

Light

[Light9]

Hi Geoff and Fuschia

I hope you are both great, I just wanted to share something that I have found really inspiring and profound.  

My friend (who has terminal cancer) is going through every emotion under the sun- understandably), and I found this CD set of discs on a woman named Anita Moorjani called "Dying to be Me".  She describes her "NDE" Near Death Experience after having terminal lymphoma and what she saw and felt on the other side....and, most importantly, how it related to health and healing.  

There may be heaps on the net so you don't have to buy these discs, but I felt she got to the root cause of our health and healing.  

I hadn't had a drink for a month and didn't miss it at all, then my partner's dying Dad wanted us to share a beer with him and I had two and that was it, a nice little buzz and absolutely zero thirst for anymore, it's great!!!  If there is a real occasion for it I will enjoy myself, but other than that I have no cravings!!!  

These discs on Anita M I mentioned, she too describes the need for joy and balance and how it isn't all about what we put into our bodies but so so much more.  Anyway, great stuff I found.

Lots of love and strength, peace and joy for you both.

Light 🙂

[Light9]

Hope you're ok since you came off those tablets Fuschia?  Bit concerned that communication stopped suddenly after all that chat but hopefully you are just too busy or not into this thread anymore.  I am still not drinking and feel like I will never go back to that person again, it's so strange how the cravings have all disappeared, not sure why but I been praying plenty!

All the best L 🙂