Can someone please help me???

[fuschia]

Why is it if I CAN get myself out of bed in the morning and go to work (without calling in sick, that I can manage to JUST get through the day at work (and do a very good job), then the last hour of work get super anxious and do the drive home wanting to stop into a bottle shop and drink on the way home (which I would never do) and get home and be so anxious.

I'm on medicatiom, I've done the therapy, I no longer have the nasty partner, I now have a nice job, but I just keep wanting to drink but it no longer settles the nerves. When I do it takes me 3 days to get over it including the process of suicide

I just want to go somewhere where I can be cared for and helped but I can't go during the week because I can't leave my boss but I could go on the weekends. Does anyone know where there is someplace I can go on the weekends and get some help. The thing is I go through stages and feel like I'm crazy then I feel an overwhelming feeling like I need to be normal and feel guilty for letting people down. All the mean while I'm not sure I can keep on living like this. I'm not sure I can trust myself anymore. I need some help and advise please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

I knew a Dr who specialised in addictions, and she says it is possible to become a social drinker after abusing it...but only for a select few, so I guess it's all trial and error.

I'm so pleased for you that the tablets are working, I also seem to be better controlling my drinking!  Perhaps you could take medication or something similar - if you need to- when the 3 months is up?

I went to a counsellor today who is helping me work out the baby thing...at the end of the day it's up to me, counsellors really can't answer your questions...and she didn't know the full picture either, but she was so lovely and she seemed so sympathetic to what I've dealt with in my life...so I appreciated having someone to talk to.  I'm still a total hermit, but I will work on that.

The health retreat sounds amazing, and I'm glad you are able to put your desire for a baby aside too, our health really must come first as you say.

Booze is a killer...it's a slippery slope so I can imagine how it could get so much worse with any further "curve balls".

Anyway, congrats on the impending wedding!! And congrats on staying strong, that is WONDERFUL and so interesting that you have stayed away from suicidal thoughts...having something as wonderful as a wedding to plan must give you great incentive to be happy.

L 🙂

[fuschia]

OK its nearly been 6 weeks I think since I've had a binge drink except for "that night" 4 weeks ago or whenever it was. Anyone wanting to have a break from drinking I totally recommend the drug w    

[fuschia]

....cont.....my cat hit a button on the computer sorry....... I totally recommend the drug you need authority for and take for 3 months. Yes my plan is to abstain for 3 months. Never thought I could do that. But my new psychologist I have started seeing says it is possible for ex bingers/alcoholics to become social drinkers. And whilst the thought of drinking literally wants to make me vomit, I would like to have a cocktail round the pool if I wanted one.

Anyway my meds have been increased another 10mg and I must say my depression and anxiety is def getting better. I hope this new psychologist and the new meds help me make a new me, or be me, the person I want to be.

I find myself wondering what to do with all this extra time I have when I'd usually be drinking and doing silly things. about 4 weeks until I go to the "spiritual retreat" and have my 5 day stay. I hope it helps me see a spiritual self in myself.

Anyway, am I just rambling....I'm still being a hermit. So looking forward to my yoga course to start to meet some new people and I'm even thinking of venturing out and starting a hobby which is outta my comfort zone usually. Work is settling down so the 4 days a week are getting more tolerable.

I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment, Waiting for things to crash or.....possibly be better than they have ever been. I still feel like at any moment I could loose the plot and have a manic moment, its like walking on egg shells. But....I'm trying to be strong and positive and thanks god for meds but I guess I need to start to give myself some credit as well.

Light- I'm so glad you saw a counselor. Its great to vent. Are you working at all at the moment??

[geoff]

dear Fuschia and Light, great posts that the two of you are providing.

Firstly Light I hope that your colonoscopy is just a check up or is it something that is annoying you, I hope not.

It can be done Fuschia, to become a social drinker from being a binge drinker, and it can only happen to a small handful of people, which includes myself, but most people can't because once they taste it then it's too late they can't stop.

I know that those tablets are expensive and it's a wonder why the government haven't put them on the PBS, because there is a big programme on telly for people to cut down or even stop drinking alcohol, but they do the job. L Geoff. x

[Light9]

Thanks Geoff

Yes, those tablets sound amazing, why aren't they on the PBS when so many people are struggling, it's an epidemic of alcoholics I believe.  Probably need to put the prices right up too like ciggies.

Well I don't mind you asking at all, I have havd rectal bleeding on and off for years, not much and some change in bowel habits, hence the colonoscopy.  My best friend actually has stage 4 bowel cancer and has been given months to live, so it's thanks to her really that I'm doing this.  I also have a pain in my upper right abdo which concerns me at times.  better to be safe than sorry as they say, just had my first mammogram now I'm 41 and officially middle aged...oh my, when did that happen?!

Anyway, thanks again for all your encouragement Geoff, it means the world.

L 🙂

[Light9]

Six weeks Fuschia!!! Brilliant mate 🙂

I can imagine the "walking on eggsheels thing", it must feel scarey, but I'm so glad you are monitoring your feelings at every step.  It might help to have life lines number handy (on your mobile) so that if you feel sad etc you can call someone and have a good chat?  I'm guessing those tablets just make it so much easier though, who wants to throw up and feel terrible, great incentive!  Good on, it will really help with the physical cravings for those 3 months then you should lose the taste for it even more.

Guess what?!  I have been drinking less and less this week, had a few days alcohol free and been walking etc too!!!  My partner has an advertising agency and I do a little admin and design stuff that's all.  I answer the phone too.  I can't face going back to nursing, I just know I'm over it now.  Over sick people reminding me of the end of life!  I want a happier job now and I have looked into becoming a cabbie!!

It's that or a phlebotomist (takes blood) or a bus driver!  I have terrible neck and lower back pain so many things are no good.  It sucks.

You have no idea how relived I felt when I read your meds are working for you Fuschia, I have been waiting to hear that.  I love my anti d's and thank god for them also!  My brain went from a dark clouded fog to pretty normal again!  Amazing.

Your psych sounds like he/ she is doing a good job in helping you process everything...and the health retreat...I go a shade of green every time I read that (!)  How gorgeous, it sounds like paradise and it's so important to have things to look forward to.  You work hard and you deserve it so much.

And YES, of course it's thanks to YOU and your inner strength and wisdom that you are steering yourself in a strong and powerful position again, it's so positive and lovely I feel quite emotional for you.

I believe you are finding that perfect balance in life and the retreat is obviously a reflection of your deepest yearnings for this balance, it's the law of attraction, you even said you want to have balanced drinking and I believe you will for sure.  Anyone who can cope with as many things as you are juggling right now is capable of a lot, that's for sure.

Hope you have a fabby weekend Fuschia and Geoff

Light 🙂

[fuschia]

Hey Light and Geoff and anyone else out there whose interested.

The meds for the drinking I take only cost me a lil over $30 bit their full price is well over $100. They last for a month so I don't mind paying that when just one binge can cost me well over $100 a night!!

So I have another two months on them and still no cravings - still feels weird. But my psychologist believes I can be a social drinker but its important to keep away from it for a while and do my therapy with her.

Of course with the no drinking there have been no suicidal thoughts and my new antidepressants are definitely kicking in and I'm feeling a lot less anxious and depressed.

Light I work in the medical industry so see the worst of things, so I hope you check out all ok. Never ignore symptoms like that though I don't need to tell you this if you are a nurse lol. I hope your tests all turn out well.

Geoff do you mind if I ask you how much you manage to drink each day and is it everyday?? I guess I am wondering what is possible for the future. I'm more worries about my mentality but I'd still like to be able to enjoy the odd social drink. It's weird not having that desire at all atm.

Yes light, retreat is in about 4 weeks. I'm having second thoughts. I don't want to be away from my fiancée for that long plus I will be there with other strangers. I guess I'm a likeable person but I don't let anyone get too close to me so I hope I don't feel suffocated.

Anyway cheers to the weekend and trying to remain sane. 🙂

[Light9]

Wow, it's so great the those tablets take away the cravings completely.

Yes, I mustn't ignore my symptoms, the pain in my tummy has almost gone, it def flares up after drinking too much but is still very mild..my friend's ordeal is something I never want to go through, bowel cancer has a good survival rate if caught early enough.  So you're in the medical world too Fuschia, no wonder you're stressed haha!!  I have so much admiration for the real work horses in our industry, I have been part time for 5 years now.

I have been listening to that song "Chandelier" by Sia....the version on Ellen Degeneres show.....oh my lord, so powerful and beautiful.

It's about her partying to extremes and her own battle with alcoholism.  She sand it for President Obama too, so proud she's Australian.  Sia battles with BPD also, she's an interesting, very real/brave etc girl.

Yeah I know what you mean about the retreat...I'm not great around a bunch of strangers either, I mean I would be friendly and chatty but it can feel like hard work.

Anyway, you sound strong and great that your therapist is helping, i should probably seek out someone a little more qualified for myself.

I wrote my first and last email to my father on the weekend (a bit drunk) and poured my heart out, I was a little quite nasty, telling him the money he gave me (15k approx) was what any parent on a decent income would do and I saw it as compensation now, that he didn't really love me... then I realised afterwards how much being nasty has hurt me too...but I had a lot to say and it just sort of spewed out.  I told him all about Mum's many affairs for the last 30 years (she lied about so much but always confided in me).  I would fight her about it.  My point was that I have been loyal to all of them in different ways and they have all physically abused me and thrown me to the street, had me taken away by mental health etc...when they are all the abusers and mental cases!!!

Anyway, won't write to them ever again...I just want them to lose the false pretenses with their occasional texts.  If they can't admit to what they've all put me through I want nothing to do with any of them, end of story.

Ok, Fuschia, Geoff and anyone else needing support, I know this much, the more we talk, communicate etc...the more we get the 'pus out the wound so it can heal' so to speak, thank you Beyond Blue, what a great service.

Light 🙂

[geoff]

dear Fuschia, I do drink everyday but it's only for a couple of hours, and after that time I'd had enough, which is way different to when I was depressed, because back then I didn't care.

It's not easy to be able to do this and I'm saying that I am a genius or want to stand on top of the mountain in saying this, it just happened, or taught myself to be able to handle it.

One reason was because I knew that I could drink later on, so my desire had to be put forward, which is different than saying your not allowed to drink at all, so then the DT's begin if you get them. L Geoff .x

[fuschia]

Light, I was constantly nauseous and had very bad reflux when I was drinking every night or every 2nd night so tummy upsets could be contributing from alcohol abuse. I nearly bought a bottle of wine on my way home this afternoon. Even though I knew I'd be sick afterwards. My therapist thinks if I abstain for 3 months and treat the anxiety the triggers my binges I should be able to go back to being a social drinker and that is my aim.  

Geoff you seem to have conquered it so she mustn't have been lying when she said she's seen and heard many people CAN do it!!

Light venting and getting all that horrid, vile memories and feelings out of your system must have eventually feel like a weight being lifted off the shoulders. Good on you for being so brave!!

PS I have been listening to the new song chandelier and loving it and wondering why it was sticking in my head so much. I have not actually really listened to the lyrics and yet she's singing about what I am going through. how bizarre. I will make sure I listen to the lyrics next time I hear it on the radio. Actually, bugger it, I'm going to find it on the net and listen to it right now with my head phones on for some inspiration. I've managed to fight the alcohol magnet tonight so need a bit of warm and fuzzy feelings.