Can someone please help me???

[fuschia]

Why is it if I CAN get myself out of bed in the morning and go to work (without calling in sick, that I can manage to JUST get through the day at work (and do a very good job), then the last hour of work get super anxious and do the drive home wanting to stop into a bottle shop and drink on the way home (which I would never do) and get home and be so anxious.

I'm on medicatiom, I've done the therapy, I no longer have the nasty partner, I now have a nice job, but I just keep wanting to drink but it no longer settles the nerves. When I do it takes me 3 days to get over it including the process of suicide

I just want to go somewhere where I can be cared for and helped but I can't go during the week because I can't leave my boss but I could go on the weekends. Does anyone know where there is someplace I can go on the weekends and get some help. The thing is I go through stages and feel like I'm crazy then I feel an overwhelming feeling like I need to be normal and feel guilty for letting people down. All the mean while I'm not sure I can keep on living like this. I'm not sure I can trust myself anymore. I need some help and advise please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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[fuschia]

Just checking in and letting all interested I'm still alive and breathing. Bloods, swabs and tests all come back with no std's so that's a bonus. Alcohol free night no3. Got through 14 last time so I'm feeling stronger. Unfortunately last time (3 nights) ago I tried to suicide and ended up in hospital all night and have felt guilty as hell ever since. I lost another day at work. Its not looking good. I think Im going to have to go down to 3 days a week until im on my max dose of meds and feel stable enough.

Trying to get some vitamin d each day. I didn't realize just how much I stay inside. The sun feels so nice.

Light and Geoff I hope your ok.

I start physcology next week woo hoo. My pysciatrist told me last week his away for 3 weeks on holidays. Why did I slightly panic I wonder??

Anywho trying to het a bit of rand r and outing this long weekend. Been to 2 lots of markets already and it was nice to just get out and do something for myself and actually buy myself something and keep telling myself not to feel guilty for doing it.

So, 17 days in, 1 relapse over with and soldiering on to less relapses and

self harming and allowing the meds do there magic and get some sense of this all when my pyscologist apps start next week.

Take care all. xo

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

I'm so sorry to hear about your relapse and suicide attempt...however, I do get an overall sense that you are gaining strength and that makes me really happy for you.  Did you relapse with booze too?  How did that go down with those meds you are taking to make you sick if you drink?  Anyway, I'm just feeling really happy for you, you sound like you are really "on it"...very mindful etc, which is where we need to be now.

I'm also so happy to read that you have pulled back to 3 days a week, that will make a HUGE difference to you I believe, all that pressure had to be awful when you are struggling anyway, good on you for not feeling guilty!!!!  Yes, look after yourself, you have been there for everyone, it's your turn!!!!!  Yay 🙂

My step son is 9 in September.  I have told my partner that we both have to give up the booze now and he was totally on board with it (although he suggested a 6 pack just hours later!) I was proud of myself for saying "no"...and I mean it this time...and I thank you for really inspiring me Fuschia!  We have got similar lives and sound like we are both bad drunks! I can drink a fair bit...about half a carton of beer or cider before I crash usually.

So...I also truly belive it's a life and death situation and I want to rise from the ashes so to speak now, I want to make my body look and feel so healthy and awesome, will start yoga too!!

You go girl and thanks for all your support too, it is helping save my life I believe.

Light 🙂 big hug O

[Light9]

p.s I meant to add that a very therapeutic thing for me was to tell my Dad I'm not interested in his random (I'm really a caring Dad) "hi, hope you're well" texts, unless he wants to say sorry.  I'm an Aries and it said this month was about finally letting go of anything toxic from my life...feels good to have strong boundaries for once!!! Now it's time to love myself and pour beautiful healthy juices and fresh food into my body, not toxic, damaging alcohol anymore....been 2 days with none, feel strong and great!!! 🙂

[fuschia]

Light, light light I can see 'the light' is finally starting to shine on you too!! Yes, when I had my suicide attempt last week it was after a binge whilst I was on those tablets and I was very very sick with vomiting and I only had 5 cans so at least if I was testing myself, I now know I can't drink as I found myself in a pool of vomit on the floor of emergency not knowing how I got on the ground and when I vomited.

Otherwise the tablets are working so well I really don't want anything to drink anyway. I'm loving not having hangovers. It was just the 2 week anniversary of "that" night and I guess I couldn't help myself and wanted to test the boundaries but those tablets really do work!! I only self harm/attempt suicide after a binge so you can only imagine how important it is I stop drinking, at least until things are under control, that may be forever, I don't know.

This course of tablets is a 3 month course and apparently afterwards you no longer get the cravings. I started the phycology sessions today so hand in hand hopefully they reinforce the future plan which is to be much healthier, loose weight that booze has made me put on and start yoga and get stuck into it as my new obsession to replace my poisonous one!!

I truly believe if I keep drinking I will die, either by accident or a manic suicide attempt. Usually for me its up to 2 bottles of wine in a short period of time it wipes me out pretty quick and then I get these stupid ideas in my head to go out and then that's where I get hurt and so forth.

Light I thought your partner had given up alcohol all together?? I'm so very proud of you saying no to him. Every other day is a battle and I understand that. I guess that's why when I felt like I hit rock bottom I asked for the tablets to stop the cravings. They do need to ring through to get authority for them apparently because they are also used for heroine users detoxing. A warning if you go that direction, they make you very sleepy so have them as soon as you've had dinner.

So you told me 2 days ago it had been 2 days since you've had a drink, I wonder how you've gone since then?? Usually I would only last 2-3 days.

My fiancée knows not to bring alcohol in the house and he seems to be fine with it so far though he did day last sat night he felt like a drink but he knows bringing it in the house would be like setting up my noose!!

Please keep in contact as your are my inspiration and i'd like to be yours too!!

[geoff]

dear Fuschia and Light, well so much has gone on for the both of you, and I'm so sorry that I haven't kept pace with all your replies, I just get side-tracked with all the other replies.

These tablets that stop the craving for drinking alcohol also have the same affect on drugs, as it is given to people addicted to opiates as well.

If you do drink or take drugs while on these tablets there shouldn't be any buzz, or perhaps it will make you sick, which does remind me that there is also a drug that deliberately makes you sick when you drink alcohol, but this is the extreme measure and after awhile you just stop taking it.

The doctors are reluctant to dish out this medication for health reasons.

I really would like to keep up with you both as you know alcohol was my big self medication, and to answer your question Fuschia the only help I got from counselling was just support, so basically I had to do it myself, although I had started taking these tablets at some point and the reason I stopped I will tell you both later on, because I don't want to stop your treatment, dying to know I know this but at the moment it's not too important. L Geoff. x

[fuschia]

Hi Geoff,

Yes I know the drs don't give them out lightly and they can only be taken for 3 months so Im hoping that with my other meds and now physcology I hope it works for me as its my only chance I feel.

Ive taken them for 3 weeks now and as I said only once (one week ago) I had some alcohol and I did get a buzz but manic and vomited a lot so I never want to do that again as I actually look forward to taking the tablets as they relax me ( I hope they are not addictive)....I guess like everything some things work for some and not others. I'm holding a lot of hope for myself.

! drink in 3 weeks kinda feels weird but Im loving the no hangovers!!

[geoff]

dear Fuschia, I don't believe that these tablets are addictive, and can I ask you a question did you get this medication from a normal script or did your doctor have to ring up the government phone number for an authorisation number.

The one I was taking he had to get authorised and they were expensive but fortunately workcover paid for them, although the situation may have changed now. L Geoff. x

[Light9]

Hi Fuschia

You sound AMAZING!!  I'm so happy for you that the tablets have a nice calming effect (I would love that too) and they sound like they are really working.  It's great that you know it's life and death (and your man does too).  It's everything.

My man was so strong for three months (after a bad incident at home then waking up in a jail cell!), but then his eldest son turned 18 and he had a few that night at the party, then I sort of encouraged him too, so my bad..

Well....I have been in two minds as to whether to even be honest with you (to be honest) about my drinking, because I know so well that feeling of everyone else is doing it etc...why can't I?  You mentioned a movie you had seen that said something along those lines, then i got out "Wold of Wall St" and it was a major theme in that so I totally get it!  Ok, I lasted 3 days, then my man came home with a 6 pack of cider....so I went out and got a 6 pack of beers and only drank 2 last night.  Felt good for being able to stop...

I have to exercise restraint, will see how I go.  i truly believe in my heart that I finally "get" that I can't drink more than a 6 pack so hopefully it's really sunk in.

Keep up the amazing work Fuschia, I hope I don't influence you negatively.  You sound very intelligent and those pills must be great, hangovers suck badly so you are right there.  My man even stopped after his 6 pack so here's hoping we have grown up!

I went to fertility specialist yesterday and he said all my hormones are fine.  Not sure if I have the energy for a child though, yet I sometimes wonder if my complete lack of family (or relatives) is why I'm so sad.  Thank goodness for antidepressants!  And my dear beautiful man..

Ok loads of love, strength, clarity and knowing yourself Fuschia, please stay strong, you scare me with your stories, I'm glad you know you must stop the booze.

L 🙂

[Light9]

Hi Geoff

Just wanted to say thanks for your candid thoughts on booze.  I am trying to cut down now (will never touch red wine again either!) 

I love that pic of you and your little doggy, I'm obsessed with my dog (mixture of things curly small mutt!) and he gives me so much pleasure, sometimes wonder if I even need a baby when I'm already pretty frayed at the edges.  So confused as to whether to keep trying or not.

I have a colonoscopy in 2 weeks for some concerns so maybe best to just look after myself now..

Anyway, thanks again for your support and hope you are travelling well and the depression gremlins aren't plaguing you at all.  There is a bus that runs in this area and it says "BE HAPPY" on the front.  I love it because everytime I see it it reminds me that it's a choice to  choose to be happy.

Thanks again Geoff

Light 🙂

[fuschia]

OK so I'm still hanging in there. Geoff those tablets are the one's that my Dr had to call and get the authority for. On the box they say their full price is over $100 but I only get charged $36  dollars for some reason which is easily a nights binge.

I don't know where the cravings have gone. Even if I had a drink in front of me after my last relapse whilst on the meds and getting so sick, I'm too scared!!

I think the tablets actually give me the feeling I want from drinking alcohol, that lovely sedation where everything is all calm and I'm free as a bird. So that's why I keep taking them every night I guess.

It's been decided through work I will stay on 4 days but the boss is going on holidays for 2 weeks and has said so long as I answer the phone I can basically take it easy (for me that means I can just catch up the 2 weeks i'm behind but at least it will be a lot less stressful).

I have been given a week off late July and booked myself into an affordable retreat that's all about health eating, juices, tai chi, toga, exercise, group talks, amongst other things and is aimed at people who are feeling stressed. (Or in my case detoxing from alcohol, suicide attempts, and dealing with depression and anxiety).

It's funny since I have not had a drink I have not had one thought of self harm of suicide (never had thoughts when sober) so it just goes to show how far alcohol got to me in the end.

I'm still wondering what's going to happen when the 3 months is up (which is the max amount of time you stay on these tablets) and if I will cope. Actually I'm bloody freaking out about it actually.

Light I'm glad you can stop at 6. I once was like that, but unfortunately those days are over and I just want to keep going until I fall to the ground and pass out.

Light I think you need to sort out your health honestly. Can I be honest with you, I crave having a baby all the time because I want to be wanted and I want to care for something and I'm not as close to my family. Thank goodness one of the girls at work fell pregnant so now I get gooey over her baby, and bought her some booties at some markets the other night. Her sperm donor does not want to be in the picture (it was a casual relationship) so I tell her its "our" baby now lol.

My wedding is next year and I want to be able to be a social drinker by then. I don't want to miss out on a cocktail by the pool. But is it possible to go from life threatening binge drinker to social drinker???